Category: bad movies
Barbarians! Barbarians! Barbarians!
I was just reminded of a wretchedly epic movie from the 80’s this week called “The Barbarians” from fellow part-time dork Eljamez. I haven’t seen this movie since I was a kid and to be honest don’t remember much of it at all. I can remember seeing the vhs cover to this movie at the video store when I was a kid and then finally seeing it over at a friend’s house as we were all about Conan The Barbarian.
At the time we probably thought this movie was the raddest shit EVER. Today however I’d probably enjoy it in a much different light as you will be able to tell by the preview, it ain’t exactly an academy award nominee! However you will notice Optimus Prime is narrating! RAD!
The Technicolor Nightmare Pt. 2: SUPER XUXA VS. SATAN!!!
Anyone who braves through JIMMY, THE BOY WONDER (the subject of Technicolor Nightmare 1) can theoretically tolerate a little singing and dancing. But where JIMMY is creepy as hell, XUXA is cuter than a sugar turd on a neon birthday cake.
SUPER XUXA VS. SATAN (A. Penido, 1988)
(Or SUPER XUXA CONTRA O BAIXO ASTRAL)
Xuxa Meneghel is a bonafide Brazilian superstar whose fame derives from a series of strange family films in the eighties. Some of my male friends have characterized her as “hot”. This film is the copycat little sister to LABYRINTH.
Super Xuxa, blonde and billowing with butt cleavage in a mini jumper, slathers joy like hair mayo everywhere she goes. Continue reading
Bad Movie Night! Try It!
Well it’s that time of the year again where we have our sporadic but traditional BAD MOVIE NIGHT! Myself and fellow blogger Sheaehs are gearing up to show some real stinkers once again this Friday. It definately takes the right person to enjoy Bad Movie Night I will say. First you just have to have a sense of humor, second you gotta have some serious patience and third some wit to throw at the screen. Though it’s not neccessary you might also wanna have a six pack to make the experience more bearable if the movie is just a flat out stinkin’ flaming turd! So far we’ve had some good picks that were pretty damn enjoyable! Some features included: She, The Guyver, Dungeonmaster, My Demon Lover, Mac & Me, The Roger Corman version of the Fantastic Four and The Eliminators just to respectively name a few.
This time we’re gearing up with two movies that will hopefully have the audience’s brains melting! My selection thus far is Abraxas: Guardian of the Galaxy, starring Jesse The Body Ventura! Now I have never actually seen this movie but have wanted to for years and just recently acquired it on dvd at the local Goodwill. This movie looks pretty damn bad and I might have to do a sneak peak before hand just to make sure it really delivers the suck. This is what the 1990 movie poster looked liked:
Technicolor Nightmares Pt. 1-JIMMY, THE BOY WONDER
Horror nerds often come with intact reproductive organs. Hence, sometimes they reproduce (albeit rare). I have personal experience. But becoming a parent doesn’t mean you must purge the filth from your video collections! Just as changing diapers are now daily routine, so must stealth nighttime viewings of those video nasties.
Yet, finding a happy medium between you, your child and your TV can be a challenge. That’s why there’s demented kids movies! The exaggerated costumes, candy colored sets, community-theater caliber acting and fantastical plots latent in these low budget bombs often congeal into scary, trippy cheeseballs of pain. You won’t soon forget the emptiness your soul will feel after watching them.
Many can be found on the underground label SOMETHING WEIRD VIDEO.
JIMMY, THE BOY WONDER (H.G. Lewis, 1966)
H.G. Lewis, Godfather of Gore, and more?
Herschell Gordon Lewis was an accomplished businessman, so the man who made BLOOD FEAST, 2000 MANIACS and GORE GORE GIRLS went where the money was and crossed genre lines to do so. Although his nudie cuties, teens-gone-wrong and (shutter) family films may seem like resume fodder compared to the squishy, extreme gore films he was famous for, he had a blanketing modus operandi; low initial budgets that yielded cult status and turned profits over long periods of time. He made only two family films and I’m sure Leonard Maltin would hate them. Yet, they endure with a strange charm that only Lewis could conjure.
SANTA MEETS THE MAGICAL LAND OF MOTHER GOOSE is nothing more than a filmed stage production with awful sound. If I remember correctly, the camera barely moves off the tripod.
JIMMY, THE BOY WONDER however, is laced with Lewis’ macabre sensibilities and full of hilarious jump edits, exaggerated acting, nightmarish visuals and horrifying songs.
Comfort bubble violation. Sound the alarm.
“The Room” exceeds the hype!
I am sure many people out there have already witnessed “The Room” perhaps even several times but if not I’d go out this in your list of movies to see immediately! What is The Room? It’s the worst film ever made. At least that’s what it has been tagged as for quite sometime now. To me that’s a mighty strong claim as I have seen and enjoyed many bad movies in my time.
Even after hearing all the hype around it, reading articles in the local paper, interviews with Tommy Wiseau (the movies maker) and it recently playing in several different theaters here in PDX I still somehow figured I had already seen the worst of the worst in my time.I however was wrong.
MARILYN MANSON LANDS A PLANE; Or, TURBULENCE 3—HEAVY METAL
Prequels, like good taste, are often not required for viewing sequels. DEATH WISH 3? Perfect example. Relishing in Bronson’s unhinged scum-stomping rampages requires no getting-to-know-ya handshake. TURBULENCE 3-HEAVY METAL also requires no teaser. Just, maybe a chaser?
The premise is pure support for the subtitle pun “heavy metal”. Self-proclaimed antichrist rock star Slade Craven has decided to film his final concert en route a pastel-upholstered, pretzel-lobbing airplane (which transcends any definition of metal that I can think of). But not all is rosy in hell. Rutger (BLADE RUNNER) Hauer, with a notably larger face, plays a devil worshipping pilot and believes Slade Craven is the “fake messiah”. He and globby-eyed VJ (top model Monika Schnarre) think Craven’s party should be crashed into a church in Oklahoma. This opens the seventh gateway to hell, unleashing the true satan.
(OK, I’ve seen THE BEYOND and thought this hellgate was in Louisiana?!) Continue reading
Hasbro’s New Transformers Features A Devastator and Jetfire Wannabe!
So this is pretty simple, but Universal Dork would really like your opinion. When it comes to Transformers, it is great to see the universe refreshed cause the comics and cartoon were just a staple of our youth. But I think all old schoolers agree that the movies just sucked; same situation as high cost sci-fi cartoon-based movies…great FX and cinematography, but terrible writing, plot, character development, casting, etc. (you know, all those other pesky movie making skills).
A natural byproduct of the movie, you have a refresh of characters due to artistic integrity and pending popularity an eventual toy line. So when I heard Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen was going to feature classic characters like Jetfire and Devastator…I was pretty excited. Let’s face it, how could you screw up some awesomely powerful transformers like these two? Wow, I continue to be pretty naïve in my trust of Hollywood nowadays. Read on for more information.
new moon is turning people into zombies as I type this!!
Whoah! New Moon is making box office history! The biggest opening of all time?!! Beating out the Dark Night?! Start boarding the doors and windows because this movie is turning people into mindless zombies with horrible taste in movies!! I knew it! Wow, I must say It is a sad day in the world with news like this…
This what was reported Zap 2 It just reported:
‘New Moon’: movie Msg that will put you in a coma…
So the big deal all around the world is that New Moon, the sequel to Twilight (like anyone doesn’t know that) is opening this week. Everyone seems to be losing their damn minds over this! My question, what is wrong with everyone?!! Twilight was hands down the WORST vampire movie I have ever seen! It had all the ingredients for the the ultimate shit-fest which is quite an accomplishment really. Terrible acting, an ultra boring story, super incredibly lame vampires that didn’t even have fangs and sparkled, irritating teenagers and terrible unthreatening vampire villains who probably work at Hot Topic on their off-time. But still people seem to think that movie was somehow epic!
Has the general public ever even seen a real vampire movie?! ’30 Days of Night’ was shown in theaters right? Have people never seen Fright Night or Near Dark? I would understand if this series was just popular with teenage girls and guys that may think Robert Pattinson is the bee knees but grown men and women are pumped up for this crap-tastic vampire romance! I’ve heard they are going to have lots of werewolves in this one, I am sure they will find some new way to make werewolves suck even more than vampires!
AVP…NO! AVN…Alien versus Ninja! Yeah!
Normally I would just laugh off a movie concept like this…kind of like Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. But much the same reason I endured Mega Shark, I am just curious to see what a film makers vision for aliens and ninja is going to be like. To date, the details are few, so I am sure that it will be sometime till we see the final product. But I am sure once this goes direct to video in the US, I will have it on my Netflix queue!
More after the jump YO!
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Universal Dork 