Category: comedy

Idiotic Christmas Horror: Silent Night Deadly Night 5: The Toymaker!

Ho ho ho! The Christmas spirit is in the air again and it’s once again time to check out some crazy holiday movies! Last night I watched a pretty ridiculous one to say the least, the final installment of the ‘Silent Night Deadly Night’ franchise, part 5: ‘The Toymaker’ from 1991! Now if you’re in the mood for some totally idiotic yet entertaining holiday movie mayhem I’d say this here is definitely worth a watch this year. As with the 4th installment of the ‘Silent Night Deadly Night’ franchise, this one has got absolutely zilch to do with the original, clearly a sequel only in name and I’m quite fine with that becuz really now, how many damn movies do we need with a killer in a Santa Suit?

So “The Toymaker” goes a way different direction with a totally absurd plot directed by Martin Kitrosser & co-written by horror icon Brian Yuzna (Night of the Living Dead 3, Bride of Re-Aminator, Society), which finds a little kid whose family is “terrorized” by killer presents..ahem “toys” made by a weird ass old dude toymaker named ‘Joe Petto’ played by the one and only Mickey Rooney! How the hell they got Rooney to do this flick is a bit of a wonder. First he’s clearly got the star power here, though in 1991 he must have been in dire need of acting work and even more bizarre is that Rooney wrote a protest letter against the first Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984).  Claiming the “scum” who made it should be “run out of town” for having fucked with the sacred holiday. Oddly then six years later he joined the damn franchise!! He must have just loved the damn script so much he couldn’t resist! The world may never know..

Anyway Rooney runs his own creepy toy shop in town called “Petto’s” which is probably the WORST name you could pick for a toy store, oh and he’s got his socially awkward son working the shop too and yeah…..his name is ‘Pino’. I recognized this kid actor Brian Bremer from Pumpkinhead as well as starring in Tobe Hooper’s Spontaneous Combustion & Yuzna’s ‘Society’. So are you catching on here to the brilliance of this story here yet? Well Joe Petto makes toys that kill people and his weirdo son who lives in the dank cellar helps him out and also gets yelled at a lot by Petto after he’s been drinkin’ on the job during shop hours.

The meat of the plot here revolves around Joe Petto’s evil toy’s stalking a single mom and her child for some “unknown reason” right around Christmas. We get some pretty ridiculous bullshit going on here when the toys viciously attack and we even got Screamin’ Mad George (Predator, Nightmare on Elm St. 3) doing his best with the budget on special fx duty. Killer toy army men, toy centipede larva, heck even some killer roller blades! The movie’s filled with crazy ass plot twists too, the kind that are so stupid you can’t help but find idioticlly endearing.

The Toymaker goes for the jugular with a “shocking” finale too, that kinda just has to be seen to be believed as it’s about as stupidly awesome things come. There’s plenty to enjoy here for the holiday as the story somehow operates nicely within the Christmas season. It’s likely the second best installment of the ‘Silent Night’ franchise and the perfect holiday party flick as it’s got a lean, just over 80 minute run time that moves at a nice brisk pace. If you want a full on holiday party flick this one’s got the goods, just make sure you’ve got your sense of humor intact, plenty of weed and boozy egg nog there to wash this one down with…you’ll be needing it!

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How Did I Miss The ‘Defenders of the Earth” Cartoon From 1985?!

Wait a second here! How could it be that I’ve never heard of the cartoon ‘Defenders of the Earth’ from 1985?! Up until a few minutes ago I never even knew it existed. This cool 80’s cartoon even aired for 65 episodes and featured legendary comic characters The Phantom, Flash Gordon, Mandrake the Magician, Lothar along with their children kicking villain ass. I know, everyone probably has seen the shit out of this show except me, I grew up in Wisconsin, never had cable tv and perhaps there it just simply didn’t air around where I lived?!

Whatever the case I’m a bit stunned I missed out, as a kid in 1985 I would have loved this show. The animation looks solid too, and even as a kid I could tell when cartoons had shoddy work done on them, my first thought was that it looked like the same animators that worked on G.I. Joe. There was even a Marvel Comic book series of it too..

I guess Marvel legend Stan Lee even wrote the lyrics for the damn theme song! Damn! Is this some sort of proof of the Mandela Effect manifesting in my life? Anyway this is like a King Features version of The Avengers and I think this could make a pretty cool little movie. Anyone else miss this as a kid?!!

 

Wait now there were also action figures too?! What? Hmm….I am perplexed!!

 

 

And some Robot Chicken…

 

 

VHS Verdict 1991: ‘Cast A Deadly Spell’ – Forgotten Monster Noir!

Up until last night I’d never even heard of the HBO movie ‘Cast A Deadly Spell’ from 1991, but I was lucky enough to run across a VHS copy of this one recently. It immediately peaked my interest, the box had some quotes on it comparing it to ‘Ghostbusters’ & ‘Roger Rabbit’ with monsters instead of cartoons. Sign me up already! The movies a ton of fun and filled with some sweet totally 80’s style fx work as well as an equally impressive cast. It really perplexed me as to why I’d never even heard of this one as it’s something I would have totally dug back in ’91. Hey I think it’s better sometimes seeing a lost gem from way back in the modern era anyway…it takes me way back…

Anyway this cool movie stars Fred Ward as H.P. Lovecraft (seriously, how have I never heard of this movie?!) a private investigator, who hired to track down the legendary book, the Necronomicon. Lovecraft is one of the only people who’ve chosen not to use magic of any kind making his little quest all that much more difficult to accomplish. It’s a full on 40’s noir, placed in a time when witchcraft has been fully exposed to the general populace and things that go bump in the night are far more common than ever before. We’ve got a  bunch of neat monsters, werewolves & zombies along the way as well as an awesome scene with some pesky gremlins by way of rad old school puppetry. Hell, we even get a random unicorn that enters the equation into this unique little horror noir comedy.

There’s some cool scenes as well that up the movie’s horror factor with some impressive unexpected gore. There’s weird super powered gangsters, voodoo priests and plenty of that classic style animatronic monster mayhem to behold here. It’s also got it’s fair share of comedy though too and it in ways really is a bit like a horror version of ‘Who Framed Roger Rabbit’. Director Martin Campell went on to direct more recent stuff like the god awful ‘Green Lantern’ movie and ‘Casino Royale’. Along side Ward is also Julianne Moore, Clancy Brown & David Warner which is a pretty star studded cast for just how relatively forgotten this movie is today.

The movie spawned a sequel as well in 1994 but I haven’t heard to many good things about that one. There’s never been an official DVD release of the movie, but it certainly deserves one. The movie is available to watch on Amazon and a few other online platforms, so if you’re looking for a little lost nostalgia this one’s a cool little forgotten gem of a movie… 

Six Underrated Bad Ass Slasher Flicks You Need to See This Halloween!

So you’ve seen all the ‘Friday The 13th’ movies, every installment of the ‘Halloween’ franchise, Seen all four ‘Scream’ films and all of the Child’s Play/Chucky flicks-What the hell’s next? Well don’t fret because there are some awesome lesser known slasher flicks you may’ve never heard of that you’ve gotta check out this Halloween. Let’s face it too, as far as slasher movies go, there are A LOT of terribly shitty ones you really don’t want to waste your time watching! I’ll save you the boredom of  trudging through a bad 80’s slasher movie. If you’re looking for quality, here are 6 awesome ones you probably haven’t checked out yet, just in time for Halloween!!

1.Strange Behavior 1981 (AKA: Dead Kids)

This cool Aussie horror movie is definitely NOT your average slasher fare, which is all the more reason to check out this gem. 1981 hailed as the golden years of the slasher hurled a ton of forgettable genre movies in our direction but ‘Strange Behavior’ in my opinion remains one that’s got a lot more going for it than what appears on it surface initially. This campy mystery mixes the slasher with elements of sci-fi and 1950’s horror. It’s also got one of the most incredible teen party dance scenes in movie history! Dig it! 

 

2. The Prowler (1981)

Worth it alone for the special fx work of master Tom Savini, The Prowler is a ton of fun and also has a cool mystery within it’s gory plot. It even features a memorable slasher dressed head to toe in WWII army fatigues that’s hell bent on hunting down horny teens. This movie has a lot more character than most of it’s peers, has some awesome spooky settings as well as some excellent moments of extreme tension! The Prowler is top notch when it comes to classy ass slasher movies.

 

3.  Happy Birthday to Me (1981)

You see a trend here? 1981 everyone was competing to make the coolest slasher movie and ‘Happy Birthday To Me’ is considered by many to be one of the best the genre had to offer. This one’s beautifully filmed, filled with cool special fx and even stars Melissa Sue Anderson (Mary Ingalls on Little House on the Prairie) in the movie’s lead role! For it’s rather long run time (1 hour & 51 minutes) it never becomes dull and one of the reasons this one’s so damn charming is because of the incredibly ridiculous plot twists throughout that are played totally straight and serious- Scooby Doo and his gang would feel right at home in this one!

 

4. The Burning (1981)

Dang! 1981 AGAIN!! Here’s hands down on of the best, most entertaining slasher movies of all time. Although feeling incredibly similar to ‘Friday the 13th’ at first, this one’s a total classic that deserves far more praise. It’s filled with awesome gory, truly inventive kills, a cool disfigured monster-y slasher & most interestingly stars Jason Alexander (Seinfeld’s George Costanza) in his first movie role! A ton of fun and filled with ridiculous 80’s nostalgia, The Burning is a great time.

 

5. Tourist Trap (1979)

This one’s an interesting one for sure, for a PG rated movie it sure packs a weird creepy ass punch. It’ll make you develop a serious fear of mannequins, as a gang of traveling teenagers stops at a spooky roadside attraction that’s jam packed with em! To make matters worse there’s a masked slasher on the prowl who’s got telekinetic powers in which he uses to animate the freaky mannequins. Tourist Trap is filled with ultra trippy imagery and is a truly bizarre, utterly unique installment into the genre! 

6. Popcorn (1991)

Enter the 1990’s!! Popcorn is a truly underrated gem of a flick that brings a disfigured psycho into the theater during a horror movie marathon. It’s filled with some neat-o plot twists, cool fx and and a unique story that twists in and out of the schlocky horror movies our onscreen characters are watching. It also stars Jill Schoelen, who’s a total 80’s horror movie cutie icon and legend Dee Wallace Stone for some extra added horror cred. Oddly the movie was shot in Jamaica which is why the people in it are always listening to reggae. Check this one out it’s got a lot of charm for an early 90’s slasher flick. 

 

The Top 10 Horror Flicks Actually Starring Rock Stars!! No Cameos!

Let’s face it folks, we all love a good Rock n’ Roll horror flick, especially during the halloween season! There are a lot of good ones out there and many of them feature small cameos from rock stars BUT there’s actually not that many that actually feature them in lead or substantial roles in these “terrifying” movies. I here at Universal Dork tho, have decided to give you the top 10 rock and roll horror movies that actually star real rock stars!! So let’s not waste anytime messin’ around and get to it! Less talk more ROCK!! Here are some odd movies that famous rockers decided to risk their careers on!!!

10. Nick Knight / AKA Midnight Cop (1989)

Hey you remember ‘Jesse’s Girl’ right? Yep, easily one o’ the best pop songs of the 80’s in my opinion! Well 80’s icon Rick Springfield also had an acting career as well and when he wasn’t appearing on General Hospital he made some cheezy ass movies, one being this horror flick called ‘Nick Knight’ aka ‘Midnight Cop’! Yep Springfield stars as the hunky vampire detective on the dangerous case of his undead life, this movie was later remade into the first couple episodes of  the tv series ‘Forever Knight’! Dig this stunning vampiric Rick-o-riffic movie montage!

 

9. Halloween Resurrection (2002)

Here’s one of the worst movies of the ‘Halloween’ franchise, it took the finale of H20 and made it into some stupid sort of ridiculous “Scooby Doo” style plot twist. However this one makes the list because we get some “rockstar action” with Busta Rhymes, one of the main characters in it who goes toe to toe with Michael Myers in the finale and fuckin’ wins! I dig that at least!

 

8. Monster Dog (1984)

Here’s an totally odd little Italian flick called ‘Monster Dog’ from 1984 that stars superstar rocker Alice Cooper in the lead role!! The movie honestly ain’t that good but it’s a must watch for anyone looking to see Alice in more than a freaky cameo. Monster Dog is a subpar 80’s werewolf film, it starts off pretty cool but quickly begins to feel a lot longer than it’s short 84 minute run time. It’s got a couple decent werewolf scenes, cool poster art and a totally sweet ass Cooper track called ‘Identity Crisis’ that makes this one at least worth a view! Fuck yeah!

 

7. Slaughterhouse Rock (1988)

Another odd 80’s movie with totally classic box art and co stars pop star Toni Basil who dominated the charts in 1982 with her mega hit song ‘Hey Mickey’. This one’s worth a watch for that alone and has a cool soundtrack “featuring” Devo. This follows some teenagers trying to remove a curse, travel to Alcatraz and get some help from a cute 80’s ghost played by Basil. The trailer below actually makes the movie look pretty rad, but it’s one of those “best of” moments trailers, so if you check it out you’ll likely be a bit disappointed with how bland the movie quickly becomes. Still worth a watch for the pure cheez factor it all and a cool dance scene by Basil!

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I’ve Officially Lost My Enthusiasm For ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’!!

Has anyone been checking out the latest season of ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’? Am I the only one who’s feels like this show has seriously lost it’s original charm? It’s been a while since we’ve seen ol’ Larry David in action (six years to be exact) and now he’s finally returned to get back into all those uncomfortable situations most people have similarly experienced at some point in our lives. Well after checking out the last few episodes of this new season, which I was pumped about, it’s clear Larry and Co. have ultimately lost the brilliant situational comedy the show’s most well known for. Every damn situation he gets himself into feels incredibly forced & too dang silly to really feel relatable to anymore. Most of all this new season so far feels A LOT like a parody of itself.

Curb’ feels like it’s lost it’s originality, now putting Larry into situations that unfold in the most predictable ways possible. From miles away you can see where every awkward moment is going end up. Whether he’s opening a pickle jar or grabbing cookies in a hotel lobby with his fingers rather than the tongs, it always advances the show’s plot to another unbelievable level. It’s maybe just gotten a bit too self aware for it’s own good? For me the past seasons for the most part, felt like Larry was existing in the real world and it made all of his antics that much more relatable. You’d feel like, you’d been there before and many times Mr. David would say the shit you’d wished you could, but were too afraid of suffering the consequences.

Now no matter where he goes he’s always got people who feel like they’re programmed to cause a stink over anything and everything the dude does. Like Portlandia some of these situations just drag on far too long now and a lot of the dialogue now feels like it was written by a fan of the show trying their best to make things as uncomfortable as humanly possible as much as possible. We’ve lost the realism that directly fueled the comedy and made everything that David said and did that much more cringeworthy & consequential. 

We get it, Larry is always saying and doing the wrong thing, but in the past it felt a bit like we were watching a real guy navigate through the real world. This season follows, in my opinion, a once brilliant formula a bit too by the numbers. In the past we’d never quite know when or why the shit was gonna hit the fan. Perhaps they’ve run out of ideas or perhaps now the landscape of things even in six years have changed so drastically that Larry’s just not relevant in the way he used to be. Whatever the case I had to make a quick rant, I still find aspects of the funny don’t get me wrong, this was one of my favorite comedies of all time, I’m gonna finish the season but dang do I miss Larry’s glory days…what do you think?      

Movie Review: The Many Twists & Turns of ‘Cult of Chucky’!

I’ve been soooo pumped for ‘Cult of Chucky’ ever since the stunning after credits scene of the awesome previous installment ‘Curse of Chucky’ back in 2013. So this week I wasted no time when it was released streaming on Netflix tuesday, the question was it worth the wait for all of us Chucky-fans?!

Overall I’m gonna say it was a pretty compelling sequel, but it for me didn’t quite live up to the full on battle royale I was hoping for between Andy Barclay (yeah the actor kid, Alex Vincent, from the first two movies returns!!) and ol’ Chuck. Once I got past that aspect of the movie, the fact of the matter is that it brings some great new twists and turns to now ongoing epic story of the legendary killer Good Guy doll. I guess in my head I pictured Andy being more of the main focus of this one, finally settling the score once and for all. From the movie’s strong start we get an awesome glimpse into Andy’s world now and how he’s become somewhat of a gun toting, weapon wielding badass (still claiming though he’s all for gun control). I love the opening sequence and it alone has some great surprises that will get your heart a pumpin’.

The majority of the rest of the movie follows ‘Nica’, Charles Lee Ray’s daughter (Fiona Dourif) as she’s imprisoned in a mental institution, brainwashed, believing Chucky isn’t real and in fact she’s the one responsible for the murderous rampage of the last film. Along the way we meet some interesting characters in the psyche ward and of course Jennifer Tilly, who looks totally amazing still somehow by the way, returns to start some major mischief herself! This one’s full of crazy surprises, plot twists and some ultra impressive gory moments. It’s also got it’s fair share of comedy, some of it landing and some it not so much. Chucky looks pretty awesome too and this time around they’ve steered away from using any CG to enhance his movement or face. There are a few dodgy scenes of CG I could have done without and to be quite honest I wasn’t a big fan of the “way too shiny” look of the insane asylum but hey maybe that’s how these places actually look in 2017?

Without spoiling anything I can say there are some great scenes involving Andy and it’s really great have him back for old fans of the franchise, I mean who’d have ever thought we’d see the original actor back again in the role?! I also really love the ending of this movie, at least the new insane development it brings to the table, what the HELL happens next? We’re left with a great cliffhanger, part of me was a bit surprised when the movie ended, it seemed like the finale was really ramping up and then boom it was over, to me a bit too soon. Overall though ‘Cult of Chucky’ shows how a horror franchise can continue on without being given a flimsy forgettable Hollywood remake. It adds a bizarre new chapter to the Child’s Play story with fresh new ideas and surprises a’ plenty-what did you think?! 

OH yeah, the Netflix version doesn’t for some reason feature the after credits sequence that’s on the DVD – seek it out if you’re a big fan of the movies, it’s another great scene and return of a classic character from the franchise!!