I’ve been hearing lately that the ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ movie franchise is going to again be rebooted after the shit show of the Michael Bay era of the reptilian heroes in a half shell. So it sparked me to revisit the original 1990 movie the other night which I hadn’t seen in probably 20 years or so. I was amazed at how well that movie has aged, seeing it in theaters back in the day I’d enjoyed it but kind of dismissed it as “kid stuff” at the time as my older brother in the 1980’s collected the original indie comic series and I’d had the chance to read them as a kid. If you’re aware of the TMNT early beginnings you’ll remember that it started off as a dark, gritty & violent comic series. I was blown away back then at the sheer oddity of the characters and the equally bizarre story lines of the originals. When I decided to revisit the 1990 TMNT film I’d forgotten just how dark that original movie actually is, especially considering today’s climate of safe moviemaking. The movie is almost closer to an R-rating than it’s original rating of PG. There’s kids smoking & drinking alcohol, robbing people, the foot beating up April O’neil, Raphael beaten into a near coma by The Foot and a badly beaten and bloodied up Splinter strung to a fence. It’s actually a pretty dark and gritty movie with the addition of the comedic surfer dude Turtles to lighten things up.
So currently we’ve got these new “TMNT” flicks, a big bloated Michael Bay produced, soul-less mess of CGI, uninspired storytelling and poor character development. The current franchise just hasn’t been connecting with fans the way they’d hoped, mainly with the amount of money that the films have made. Now they’ve got plans for a brand new reboot and it’s never been more clear just what this franchise needs to do: go old school.
So first off let’s address the obvious big issue, imo the latest Michael Bay era CGI Turtles look terrible. They’re massive 8 foot tall green hulking humanoid turtles with creepy ass faces and not in a good way. Compare the newest incarnations with the very original designs. They couldn’t be more opposite. Even the Turtles of the 1990 movie do essentially look pretty much like what you’d hope for, sure they’ve been made much cuter but they stay fairly true to the original vision. So let’s face the facts, the original designs of the 80’s weren’t broken so why try and modernize them by making them the opposite of what they were intended to look like? Bring back the smaller classic versions of these characters, go simpler with their general design. It’s a lot easier to digest and most definitely not rocket science folks.
Next I’d say you could go the similar route that many movies are taking by making the next movie a direct sequel to the original or at least setting the movie in the late 80s’ or early 90’s, it’s clear people love that era of film today (Stranger Things, IT anyone?). That being said bring back the suits!! Put real actors in real costumes with modern day animatronics the Turtles could look absoluterly mind blowing. The 1990 movie Turtles STILL look great and that was with a micro budget of 13.5 million dollars for the whole damn film. What they could do now would be incredible, we all want to believe that the TMNT are actually living breathing creatures and the latest movies sadly look like fakey cgi rendered cartoon characters inserted into the “real world”.
Lets get real here and let’s keep the budget low, we don’t need a TMNT movie to be on the scale of an Avengers film, we need a smaller more personal, more heartfelt movie with high stakes like the original. Next let’s get some real martial arts, real choreography and some real stunts again. One thing that blew me away revisting the 1990 movie was the actual real on screen martial arts that were displayed, it was pretty amazing actually and I’d love to see something in that vein in a brand new Turtles movie. It’d be like nothing out there in the mainstream that’s for sure. Lastly I’d love to see a darker more serious storyline, of course an “R-rated Turtles” movie would be my first choice, one that evokes the original comics would be absolutely insane. However, I know that’ll never happen so I think at the very least going as dark as the original movie would be more than good enough. Let’s see the Turtles roaming the city streets at night, jumping from rooftop to rooftop and roaming the dank sewers. Bring on the amazing real life set pieces, puppets and crazy creatures once again, I think fans would go bonkers for a throwback style TMNT. However I doubt Hollywood has the courage to try something as unique and inspired as the original movie. What do you think?!
Who doesn’t love a transforming robot?! Have you ever met anyone who didn’t? I never have but I have met plenty of people who hate the Michael Bay Transformers movies! Leave it to Bay to screw up a simple lovable concept with the greatest of ease. So I am here to say fuck Michael Bay and his stupid Labeouf Transformers. Please people don’t try and defend the franchise because you heard Mark Wahlberg is going to star in the next one because guess what? It’s gonna SUCK big time regardless!
So instead, all of you people who like transforming robots and a helluva lot of fun, need to check out Karate Robo Zaborgar! It’s a super fun movie that won’t let you down the way Bay does. Instead fans of say The Shogun Warriors, Godzilla and those 1970’s and early 80’s Japanese robot cartoons will eat this one up! Director Noboru Iguchi who’s also responsible for films like Machine Girl and Robo Geisha brings the weird and wacky in this feature film about a man and his Transforming Robot “brother” which is basically split into two one hour episodes. The movies run time is really the only problem it had, it’s not at all boring but maybe just a tad long. For some reason it seems a lot of Asian cinema I’ve watched recently has a bit too long a run time. Maybe it’s just me though?
However the movie is jammed packed with ridiculous villains, monsters, ultra cute women (watch out for the dragon breasts!!!) kung fu fighting and one weird ass love story. I had a great time with this one, it brought to mind Jet Jaguar, Ultraman and The Power Rangers only with one weird ass situation after another. So if you are in the mood for a great unusual treat, grab some beers and your best buddies and behold this gem!
I really don’t spend too much time thinking about Michael Bay or the fact that he likes to takes everything we loved from our yesteryears as children and teenagers and turns them into a pile of dirty Depends. Really the more I think about it all the more I really really just don’t care anymore! Yeah he had a shot at making an amazing Transformers movie but did you really think anyone in mainstream Hollywood was going to make some totally cool movie version really in this day and age?
Fat chance, every now and again we get something really good these days like The Dark Knight or Hellboy II from Hollywood. But all you fanboys and gals out there need to get over it and move on already! You want to watch a good Transformers movie? Then watch the classic Transformers movie from the 80’s! Are you pissed that Bay has got his hands on the Teenage…or um, sorry excuse me, “Ninja Turtles” franchise? Well then read the original series from the mid 1980’s because you know what? They already fucked up the film when they made it in 1990, I remember back in the day I thought the movie was a watered down shitty ass kiddie version of the dark themes of the original books.
Sure today I accept it and even have a soft spot for the live action cheez of the early 90’s TMNT films complete with Vanilla Ice lets not forget. Sure Bay making a movie will suck big time of course but it’s not like it’s going to be competing against cinematic genius of the original Turtles movies!
So yeah now he’s going to make some Halloween movies. He’s already ruined Freddy, Jason & Leatherface so for him to leave out Mike Myers would be sorta just incomplete in the grand scheme in the shittiest way possible. Besides Rob Zombie already put a lame spin on the franchise when he tried to remake them!
So really at this point who cares? Personally I’m a little tired of Michael Myers anyway I mean the guy doesn’t even speak for cryin’ out loud. People now do you all really need to see him in yet another damn film anyway?! I mean we’ve got like ten films as it is!! Same really goes for Freddy, Jason, Leatherface, Chucky ect ect ect….I if want to see a good film I’ll watch the originals. I just don’t care anymore-I’m tired of schlock that they try to spoon feed us-so you know what? I just am not going even bother anymore. Personally there are a lot more exciting things going on that are new and fresh ideas-Did you all see Attack the Block last year? Or Tucker & Dale Vs. Evil? There are still NEW ideas out there being made that are great. But people don’t expect Hollywood to churn out classics anymore of your favorite childhood nostalgia-watching these major blockbuster movies is like eating shitty junk food and washing it down with some neon colored extreme Gatorade. Sooner or later you’re gonna puke and instead eat something that in the end is better for you and made with a little more care.
So I say Michael Bay, Tim Burton & all you other modern day hacks eat your heart out-go crazy-remake it all! Rob our childhoods! I probably won’t even notice that it’s happening because I have got the classics still and can’t wait for the next new fresh ideas to hit the screens or my dvd player. But the rest of you people stop going and see all this shitty cinema and then complaining! You are all the reason that he keeps on making more shit in the end….
Not sure if this is totally old news to all of you TMNT fans out there but it’s news to me, I just recently saw this awesome trailer for the fan made (Polaris & Hilarion Banks) Casey Jones movie! It looks pretty awesome actually and supposedly there is a whole film which I assume is a short film out there online for anyone to view for free. I went to the official website but I couldn’t get it to download. I will check it again later and see if I have better luck the second time. Supposedly it has Robbie Rist the original voice of Michaelangelo from the movies reprising his role and for anyone who doesn’t know he was also Cousin Oliver on the Brady Bunch!
Anyway I haven’t been able to find too much more info about this film but it looks great. I also heard finally that Michael Bay is rebooting the TMNT franchise?! Uggh please nooooo! That hack will yet ruin another one of my childhood favorites with his wretched CG ridden summer slop-buster mentality!
If we get a new Turtles film it had better be dark and gritty like the original series! In the meantime I’ll take this fan made version over any pile of steaming shit Bay tries to serve me!
What the SHIT!!!! So news is apparrently that Guillermo Del Toro has officially quit The Hobbit!! This has got to be some sort of nightmare that I just can’t seem to wake from! But I assure you that this is the sad truth as he told TheOneRing.net flat out that he’s just too damn tired of waiting to make this shit happen!! Well guess what? I’m pretty fucking tired of waiting for this shit to happen too!!! Apparently he can’t seem to commit to spending six years in New Zealand as he has been facing a boat load of delays on the project and was only signed on to be there originally for three years. It’s no wonder he split as they don’t even have a god damn Bilbo Baggins cast yet! Ok guys I have been holding back a bit on saying this but seriously….GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER ALREADY! JEEEZUS! I must say I too have been wondering what the hell these guys have been doing for the last few years myself-I mean really the damn story has already been written-GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!
Anyway this is what he had to say about it: Continue reading
So as a kid and even now as an adult I must admit I am pretty entranced by a good cartoon brawl! So I decided to start a little addition here at Universal Dork where I compile some good cartoon fights! Super heroes, Smurfs, Bugs Bunny Whatever! I just wanna see some good cartoon whoop-ass!! Here it is, the first installment of Epic Cartoon Fights!!!
So naturally I will start with one of the MOST epic battles in cartoon history Optimus Prime Vs. Megatron from the Transformers animated movie! You just know by the music it’s gonna be good! It doesn’t get much better than this but unfortunately this battle saw the end of Optimus as we knew him….
So this is pretty simple, but Universal Dork would really like your opinion. When it comes to Transformers, it is great to see the universe refreshed cause the comics and cartoon were just a staple of our youth. But I think all old schoolers agree that the movies just sucked; same situation as high cost sci-fi cartoon-based movies…great FX and cinematography, but terrible writing, plot, character development, casting, etc. (you know, all those other pesky movie making skills).
A natural byproduct of the movie, you have a refresh of characters due to artistic integrity and pending popularity an eventual toy line. So when I heard Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen was going to feature classic characters like Jetfire and Devastator…I was pretty excited. Let’s face it, how could you screw up some awesomely powerful transformers like these two? Wow, I continue to be pretty naïve in my trust of Hollywood nowadays. Read on for more information.