Category: bad movies

Did Netflix’s ‘Iron Fist’ Really Deserve All The Hate?!

Ok so I’m eight episodes in on Netflix’s ‘Iron Fist’ and I’m honestly not quite sure what all the crazy hatin’ on it is all about. I liked all the Marvel Netflix stuff so far, Daredevil being the best, then Luke Cage and so far I’m feeling like Iron Fist and Jessica Jones are pretty much on the same level. I remember being a bit bored during ALL of the ‘Marvel Netflix’ shows at some point or another, they are ALL about 3-5 episodes too long. I think keeping them around an 8 episode affair would easily be the best structure for these shows. 

Iron Fist does move a bit on the slow side from the start, but like the previous Marvel series they all take waaaaay too long to get to the real meat n’ potatoes of it all. The fight scenes range here from good to sloppy, nothing mind blowing but they feel in line with what we have seen thus far from Marvel for the most part. Check out the “nunchucks” scene below, it’s clear Finn jones is definitely no Bruce Lee!  It would have been really cool if they had really took the opportunity to amp of the kung fu to something truly mind blowing. Not sure why they didn’t go that route but if they had this show could have been spectacular. As far as crazy martial arts / action I think Daredevil has succeeded most and remains the best of the bunch. Overall though as much as I do enjoy watching the Marvel Netflix stuff I think all of it ends up a tad on the bland side of things still. The street level realism is personally getting a bit boring in my opinion. They’re better executed than the movies and have definitely had better villains than the theatrical stuff but still there’s something missing. In my opinion ‘Logan’ has set a new standard for the live action superhero stuff.

That being said Iron Fist I think is actually an OK series. I was really prepared for something truly horrendous but I’ve actually had a fairly fun time with the series so far. the amount of shit this show has gotten has reached laughable levels online, like the other Marvel Netflix stuff was The Shawshank Redemption or some shit. The writing is indeed not award worthy but I’ve kinda enjoyed it for that. It’s a bit ridiculous at times with characters their odd “motivations”, Danny Rand is certainly quite a bit different in the way he acts and deals with things. But kinda I dig that aspect of the show. Rand is pretty naive and seems quite often a bit clueless. I’m guessing that it’s because he spent the last 15 years training in the mystical city of K’un-Lun with monks in another dimension. He’s basically new to the real world, as he went missing when he was tween. He’s a bit bratty, he’s got a crazy kinda weird unpredictable temper and though he’s supposed to be “enlightened” he’s a bit of a spoiled privileged poser. Hey those people really do exist, I’ve met a few in my time.

He throws tantrums and really hasn’t much of a clue what to do with his business and his insane inherited wealth. I like his ‘flaws’, he kinda acts a bit like a clueless rich white teenager who’s got a good heart but is a bit of a dipshit. Rand’s got some realism to him, that maybe wasn’t the show’s intention but I’m kinda glad he’s not a carbon copy of Matt Murdock. This could all be due some bad writing but in this case it kinda actually works in the series favor. I also thought Colleen Wing was pretty cool too, she steals the show from Danny Rand quite often and is just as much of main character here. I wouldn’t be surprised if she ends up getting her own series with Misty Knight, ‘Daughters of the Dragon’ anyone?

There’s a lot I would have done differently here with this show. It should have a TON more crazy kung fu action, it shouldn’t have been 13 episodes and it most definitely should have had the costume dammit!!! That alone would have set this apart from the last two series, we need way more of a superhero presence in these shows, this one was one I was certain was going to deliver on that front. I could easily see this character come up with a bit of a cheezy flashy classic inspired Iron Fist costume and it making perfect sense. Danny Rand should be the one kinda clueless dude who sports a questionable “superhero” costume.

Marvel should play off of that aspect of the character and let Iron Fist go over the top. They hopefully up the ante’ ten fold with his kung fu escapades when we see him next. That being said we definitely DON’T need anymore rich white superheroes. Or anymore weatlhy superheroes for that matter. Let Rand be the last of em’. I’m glad they chose to go with a character based more on his comic book counterpart, I think it was a good choice and it raised some good controversial conversations that perhaps needed to happen in the ever changing spectrum of modern pop culture. Again we also see some pretty piss poor villains, why can’t Marvel get this shit right? This “street level realism” is getting a bit old, bring out some crazy costumed villains already. Even the movies suffer from this, The shows are the perfect place to build excellent villains, they have the time to develop them and I’m not quite sure what Marvel is afraid of. They did a good job with the Kingpin, tried their best with the Purple Man but still they were too afraid to make the guy actually purple!

 I also don’t see the show as ‘racist’ after viewing it thus far and I think that whole aspect of things was way blown out of proportion by critics. Iron Fist is proof if anything that Marvel needs a new formula, if they go for a season two with Iron Fist I’ve got a feeling it’ll be quite different with all the flaws everyone has been pointing out. Let’s hope the Defenders brings something truly unique to the table…

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1960’s Superhero Box Office Bombs: Who The Hell Is Argoman?!

Are you reeeaaally feeling the urge to check out some superhero movies while waiting for ‘Logan’ to hit the theaters on March 3rd? Well for all you superhero diehards have I got a suggestion for you! I am willing to bet you’ve likely never heard of Argoman?! If not don’t worry, your cred is most definitely NOT at stake because the fact is 1967 wasn’t exactly the biggest and best year for the silver screen stud of a superhero. Argoman surely gave success a run for his money though way back when as this Italian superhero attempted to take the spotlight away from Superman.

He looks something like Cyclops from the X-men with a cape and yellow spandex. Argoman is pretty damn arrogant too and spends most of his time on an island where he uses his special powers to bring beautiful women there (right into his lap) to try an woo, make his leather clad S&M reject enemies fight each other and basically do any damn thing he pleases. What a guy huh? Oh Argoman…

Yep he’s a rich 1960’s playboy who’s got everything at his disposal even radioactive cigarettes. Yes you heard that right, anyway I don’t wanna waste too much time explaining the ridiculousness of this flick but if you’re looking for something to pass the time and or severely numb the brain check this crazy ass shit out! Luckily the whole movie is on Youtube for your total and complete entertainment!! 

 

Movie Review: ‘Mosquito’ the Proper Sequel to ‘The Texas Chainsaw Massacre’!

I finally hooked myself up with a copy of ‘Mosquito’ from 1994 and was quite pleased to find it was worth the effort tracking down. I’d been curious about this movie for a long time, I actually have owned a ‘region 2’ dvd for years but never could get it to play on any player. So recently I found a proper American copy of the movie, which boasts a couple interesting people in major roles. Ron Asheton (R.I.P.), legendary guitarist for The Stooges as a heroic but bumbling park ranger & Gunnar Hansen (R.I.P.), the original Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre as a tuff guy military dude. What a random combo huh?  That alone was enough to peak my interest.

Being that this movie was released in 1994 I was always a bit skeptical on whether this one would rely on some horrendously shoddy amateur CGI for it’s pesky monster insects. Boy was I wrong, Mosquito ended up being a comically inspiring practical effects creature feature that could have easily been released in 1984. It feels like it’s an 80’s flick in every way imaginable. We get some nifty fx here done by way of puppetry, animatronics, cartoons and full on stop motion animation. Talk about utiltilizing all aspects of the fx spectrum, Mosquito goes the distance or at least tries it’s hardest with the budget it had. That’s not to say the special effects are amazing, quite the contrary, however the movie has some serious charm for the effort it goes to try an make this as epic as possible. This is clearly because the film’s director Gary Jones has been an fx who’s worked on films like Evil Dead II & Army of Darkness. There’s also cool RV crash and a real exploding house too. So yeah they were trying to cover their bases here on the action.

The plot is your basic ‘ufo crashes near a small town and pesky monsters attack the locals’ and that’s a good thing because it’s trying it’s best to be on par with movies like Critters or The Blob. It’s pretty heavy on comedy but at the same time really tries it’s damnedest to be fully bad ass. I really dig Gunnar Hansen in this movie too, he’s a total asset and they make sure to give you exactly what you want from him. A wise choice to give Gunnar his trusty signature chainsaw to do battle with the blood sucking beasts. There’s a line where he comes busting out with his chainsaw and says something like “Man, I haven’t handled one of these babies in 20 years”.

As Hansen never reprised his Leatherface role in a sequel you might be able to say perhaps the man behind the mask made good and helped fight off some killer mosquitos 20 years later! Hey maybe this is cannon in the Texas Chainsaw universe?! The further adventures of Leatherface…Anyway This is a super fun, totally cheezy 90’s monster movie if you are looking for a good party movie ‘Mosquito’ delivers the goods and then some!  

The Suckling: The Weirdest Revenge Film Ever!

Damn! I recently found a rare copy of The Suckling (AKA Sewage Baby) from 1990 on vhs and it easily goes down as one of the most controversial schlock horror films of all time. This little weirdo of a movie give us a truly unsettling plot of revenge you’re likely not going to find anywhere else. So what makes this movie any different than any other horror movie? Well the dicey plot is surely going to offend a large number of folks, especially in 2017.

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It goes something like this, a young couple considering having an abortion, heads off to an inner city brothel to contemplate this tough decision. Because of course that’s a great place to ponder things like this! Of course things don’t go quite as planned as the loser boyfriend who’s eagerly pressuring his girlfriend to go through with it arranges for her to meet with the head Mistress “Big Mama” to run through the details of the procedure. Well Mama has other plans as she drugs the young woman and orders one of her “employees” to help her go through with it without the woman’s consent. Totally normal stuff there huh?! Well they then proceed to flush the fetus down the toilet and we follow it’s journey as it arrives in the sewer, leading us to a pretty memorable horror movie moment. Pretty goddamn weird huh? I’ve gotta say though, nothing gets too gruesome here thus far as the movie’s clearly spent ALL of it’s money on the monster and that’s a good thing. So no real worries about being grossed out by realism.

 

To make matter even worse, we then see the fetus is sitting in a pile of toxic waste that’s seeping into the ground from above and quickly begins to mutate into full grown pissed off monster who’s hell bent on revenge from the the people who’ve sent him to his doom. I mean talk about a political statement huh? This one’s definitely NOT for everyone and the filmmaker likely had some strong feelings in the topic? Or maybe they just simply thought it’d be a good setup for a creature feature? Looking at it as a revenge flick, it’s actually got a pretty inventive plot no matter what side of the argument you stand on.

Things get nasty pretty quickly inside the brothel and soon the monster is trapping the people inside with a nasty membrane that begins to grow around any exits the house has. Pretty much everyone in this movie is either a moron or a total asshole, so seeing them get picked off is never all heartbreaking. We got a ton of bad acting, combined with some attempts at decent action scenes & surprisingly solid monster effects that utilize some cool animatronics along with an impressive man in suit monster. That’s the interesting thing here, the creature actually is pretty cool and stands strong alongside some of the best b-movie monsters of the 80’s & early 90’s. I’ve gotta give them props for that.

Yep, the movie’s whole budget likely went into the monster effects & the funniest thing about it all is that on the back of the vhs they say this “THE SUCKLING has been compared to Alien for its claustrophobic intensity and Die Hard for its non-stop action.” Sounds kinda like the best movie ever huh? Well I’m not quite sure who decided to compare it to those because inventive as it all is it really never quite hits the mark of either of those films. Instead though what you get is an enjoyable offensive schlocky monster movie that’s exceeds just with the pure outrageousness of it storyline. This one is definitely not for everyone but if you’re a fan of odd-ball vintage cinema you’re likely to wanna track this little flick down and be fully ready to go full on mystery Science Theater 3000 on it!

Yoga Hosers: Should Kevin Smith Just Give Up?!

I’ve never been a gigantic fan of  Kevin Smith, but I’ll admit I did like his two Clerks movies (yeah both of them). I’ll also admit I was totally surprised that he made an excellent thriller, Red State. Yep those were all good movies, but as a whole I’m really not a big fan of much else he’s done. With that being said, after he made Red State I was fully convinced he just might have found his niche by way of horror movies and was pretty excited to check out ‘Tusk’. That movie, in my opinion, was truly a painful watch. It just plain sucked in every way. It was a wasted attempt at making what could have been a unique horror movie.

Tusk was a complete 180 from ‘Red State’ that had me a bit confused about what I thought was his new found talent dabbling in the horror genre. Well things got even worse last night when I decided to give his latest movie “Yoga Hosers” a shot on Netflix. It’s streaming there if you’re looking to waste your time & lose a few brain cells while you’re at it. ‘Yoga Hosers’ is the second installment of his “True North” horror trilogy and was meant to be an homage to movies like Critters & Gremlins. The end result is far from coming anywhere close to the magic of those movies. I can honestly say Yoga Hosers is easily one of the worst movies I’ve seen in quite some time. It’s so bad I had to stop it 3/4 of the way through. I just couldn’t take how much it sucked (and I LOVE bad movies) but there’s just nothing worse than a totally bad comedy. It’s not ammusing watching jokes fail over and over and over.

Smith seems to think he’s totally dialed in to the pre-teen / millennial comedy too but during the experience you see a cast of characters who’re just extensions of his dated sense of humor. His daughter, along with Johnny Depp and his daughter star in this wretched horror comedy that get’s more irritating with every passing minute. We’re given a horde of flat repetitive Canadian “humor”, bad cg, idiotic senseless plot and some incredibly stupid “monsters” for the main characters to face off against. Through all of this you can picture Kevin Smith behind the scenes secretly thinking he’s somehow created the next cult horror comedy classic. Far from it. This is some of the worst attempts at comedy I’ve seen in ages and it led me to the question: should Kevin Smith call it a day?

My first thought was a solid yes but after thinking about his last two movies and just how much they sucked it got me thinking the exact opposite. I mean Red State was a really good movie and seeing that Kevin Smith does indeed have one more film left in this trilogy called “Moose Jaws” I’m actually thinking that he could really change direction here and give us something truly memorable. I only say this because Smith has gotten a LOT of shit from critics and fans on how fucking bad Yoga Hosers turned out to be. It seems a bit of a long shot since most of the cast from Yoga Hosers will be again returning for the next movie. ‘Moose Jaws’ is said to be an homage to Jaws but with a giant pissed off moose. I say let’s give it one more try Kevin, shift the tone of Moose Jaws and give us something intense and scary. Hold off on the humor and make these terrible characters from the last two movies iconic. I’ll give you one more try Mr. Smith but after this trilogy it just might be time to call it a day. For good….

        

Best of VHS Box Art: Curtains and the Fear of Baby Dolls!!

Do you remember some of the movies that really scared you as a kid? Well for me ‘Curtains’ from 1983 was one of those that I remember only seeing one scene from on an episode of ‘At The Movies’ with Siskel and Ebert way back when. In fact this particular scene today is still pretty damn creepy, the whole movie however…..um…well let’s just say you can probably skip this one. When I was a little kid I was super frightened of old vintage baby dolls, I mean they’re legitimately creepy right? Well my mom had a few that she kept sitting in her room all on an old rocking chair and I’ll admit I really was scared shitless of em’! My older brother would often play pranks on me with them, putting them in my bed at night or having one jump around the corner at me at any given moment. It was after we saw this clip form the movie Curtains that really inspired him to take it to the next level of freaking me out. Ahhh..the good ol’ days of being a kid.

 

Well it just so happens that they decided to put the creepy ass baby doll (who’s really not in the movie much more than a minute) from the movie on the cover so that I can always be reminded of those freaky ass baby dolls of my youth. I’ll admit also this is a great VHS cover and it’s still likely to give me bad dreams. More recently I decided to face my fears and watch the movie for real and found that the movie itself is merely a third rate 80’s snooze of a slasher flick, however it does have that ONE scene that still to this day terrifies me! Of course Youtube has it all and here’s that exact fucking scene!!! Ahhhhh!!!!!

 

 

 

Best of VHS Box Art: The Spookies!!!

Here’s an incredible piece of artwork from an awesome 80’s horror movie called The Spookies. I’ve always loved this cover and remember it from waaaaay back when I was a kid in the video store. I only recently saw the movie and it was a damn fun time. I come to find out that the movie was actually supposed to be called “Twisted Souls” and had financial problems causing  post production on the movie to come to a halt in 1984. A year later the movie was pieced together with a different director filming additional story lines to finalize the movie in a somewhat cohesive manner with the existing footage. If you get a chance to check out The Spookies it’s worth it, especially if you were a fan of the video for Michael Jackson’s Thriller video. It feels like these guys must have been big fans for sure!