I’ve never been a gigantic fan of Kevin Smith, but I’ll admit I did like his two Clerks movies (yeah both of them). I’ll also admit I was totally surprised that he made an excellent thriller, Red State. Yep those were all good movies, but as a whole I’m really not a big fan of much else he’s done. With that being said, after he made Red State I was fully convinced he just might have found his niche by way of horror movies and was pretty excited to check out ‘Tusk’. That movie, in my opinion, was truly a painful watch. It just plain sucked in every way. It was a wasted attempt at making what could have been a unique horror movie.
Tusk was a complete 180 from ‘Red State’ that had me a bit confused about what I thought was his new found talent dabbling in the horror genre. Well things got even worse last night when I decided to give his latest movie “Yoga Hosers” a shot on Netflix. It’s streaming there if you’re looking to waste your time & lose a few brain cells while you’re at it. ‘Yoga Hosers’ is the second installment of his “True North” horror trilogy and was meant to be an homage to movies like Critters & Gremlins. The end result is far from coming anywhere close to the magic of those movies. I can honestly say Yoga Hosers is easily one of the worst movies I’ve seen in quite some time. It’s so bad I had to stop it 3/4 of the way through. I just couldn’t take how much it sucked (and I LOVE bad movies) but there’s just nothing worse than a totally bad comedy. It’s not ammusing watching jokes fail over and over and over.
Smith seems to think he’s totally dialed in to the pre-teen / millennial comedy too but during the experience you see a cast of characters who’re just extensions of his dated sense of humor. His daughter, along with Johnny Depp and his daughter star in this wretched horror comedy that get’s more irritating with every passing minute. We’re given a horde of flat repetitive Canadian “humor”, bad cg, idiotic senseless plot and some incredibly stupid “monsters” for the main characters to face off against. Through all of this you can picture Kevin Smith behind the scenes secretly thinking he’s somehow created the next cult horror comedy classic. Far from it. This is some of the worst attempts at comedy I’ve seen in ages and it led me to the question: should Kevin Smith call it a day?
My first thought was a solid yes but after thinking about his last two movies and just how much they sucked it got me thinking the exact opposite. I mean Red State was a really good movie and seeing that Kevin Smith does indeed have one more film left in this trilogy called “Moose Jaws” I’m actually thinking that he could really change direction here and give us something truly memorable. I only say this because Smith has gotten a LOT of shit from critics and fans on how fucking bad Yoga Hosers turned out to be. It seems a bit of a long shot since most of the cast from Yoga Hosers will be again returning for the next movie. ‘Moose Jaws’ is said to be an homage to Jaws but with a giant pissed off moose. I say let’s give it one more try Kevin, shift the tone of Moose Jaws and give us something intense and scary. Hold off on the humor and make these terrible characters from the last two movies iconic. I’ll give you one more try Mr. Smith but after this trilogy it just might be time to call it a day. For good….
I finally got around to checking out Kevin Smith’s horror podcast inspired movie “Tusk”. I have been looking forward to seeing it for a while now, but unfortunately this one doesn’t live up to the hype. Nope, what we have here is Kevin Smith’s “wacky” idea of a movie inspired by one of his “wacky” podcast episodes. I guess I really wonder why he’d waste the time to make such a shitty movie? Did the idea really sound that awesome on his podcast? I know it’s supposed to be like the Kevin Smith version of Human Centipede but this movie really didn’t need to be made. It was boring, it’s plot was generic, it’s characters were not likable in the least and it wasn’t funny or for that matter scary. Hell Johnny Depp couldn’t even save this one, in fact Depp’s character made the movie even worse!! Spoilers Ahead be WARNED!
So we have a hotshot podcaster played by Justin Long and his wisecracking nerd hipster buddy Haley Joel Osment who are supposed internet celebrities with their “clever” named website “The Not See Party”. Get it?!! Duh…They interview strange people and post viral videos that star these odd people basically making fools of themselves. So justin Long’s character goes on a trip to Canada and ends up randomly meeting an odd old man from a flyer he finds hanging on a wall in a dive bar. He goes to the creepy home of the man and listens to him blabber on about his unbelievable (stupid) stories at sea and his totally idiotic story of a walrus saving his life on a desert island. Then Justin Long realizes his tea has been drugged and passes out. This is where things are supposed to get “intense” when we realize the old man is obsessed with that walrus that saved his dumb life! Yep like Human Centipede he decides to transform Long into a big ol’ walrus. Shocking right? Hardly!
On top of that we get some kinda lame side story with a “Kevin Smith-y” type love triangle going on that I honestly could’t care less about as all the characters in the movie are pretty uninteresting & annoying. Then we get an another pointless, irritating character showing up, Johnny Depp in heavy make up flashing some truly cringeworthy acting. The rest of the flick is just one big dumb pile of crap. We get an uneven story with bunch of idiotic scenes of Justin Long “arping” around in a big walrus suit, eating fish, and fighting his captor in a walrus battle. All of this shit is supposed to be clever and funny but it’s really just well…boring. I feel like I lost some brain cells watching this one and the surprise ending is just as dumb as you might expect. It tries hard to make some witty sense of this big stupid pile of horse shit of a film.
I have a love/hate relationship with Kevin Smith he has made a few ok films but for the most part I just don’t think he’s all that funny. This was most definitely his worst movie, which I’d call a gigantic waste of time for all those involved and all those who’ve watched. Please Mr. Smith don’t make anymore podcast inspired movies. I am now officially not excited to see Kevin Smith’s Krampus flick…
I’ve been picking up a ton of VHS while out on the town doing while doing vintage shopping for my business here in Portland Oregon, that means that I’m watching a ton of awesome old flicks that have been somehow lost in the shuffle for years, at least for me! So the other night I decided to put on an interesting looking one called “If Looks Could Kill” way back from 1991, starring none other than fan fave from 21 Jumpstreet (the original series yo!) Richard “Booker” Grieco! Ol’ Grieco was destined for stardom when he exploded onto Jumpstreet & briefly rivaled Johnny Depp as the series heart throb. So Grieco quickly got some offers to make some movies-some bad and some good in a bad way. This particular film is pretty awesome, directed by William Dear hot off the success of the brilliant “Harry and The Hendersons”.
What we get here is a great obnoxious teen comedy (which I’m a big fan of, well, since I myself was a teen!) with a heavy dose of James Bond & equal parts Indiana Jones! What’s not to love there?! Dear clearly had a budget for this box office flop and it shows as it rarely skimps on cool set pieces and rather impressive action sequences. The flick was panned by critics, but like me, Roger Ebert got it and awarded the film 3 out of 4 stars. The plot’s simple, Grieco is a high school student flunking out of his french class while too busy boozin’ it up and slackin’ off. Now before I continue I have to ad that Grieco is clearly no teenager, nope- he’s got a serious dark ass five o’clock shadow the entire movie and the body of an olympic athlete, truth be told that in 1991 he was nearly 2y years old, though to me he looks more like 37!
Anyway because he flunks French he’s forced to…get this….go France for summer school!! Boo hoo what a life huh? Fail and get a free trip to France? Yeah right!! So that’s where things get crazy, as he’s quickly mistaken for a secret agent bearing the same name as his and begins an adventure of his own! Mistaken identity never felt so good. He’s almost tempted to reveal that he’s simply a high school student until the British Gov’t gives him a Ferrari to roll around in, so then at that point he decides it’s totally like worth playing along! Duh!
This begins a zany chain of events that involves Grieco playing his teenage luck with deadly sexy secret agent ladies, explosive chewing gum, wall walkin’ suction cup LA Gear sneakers, killer scorpions and a dastardly villain with a robotic Terminator style hand. It’s pure camp gold and a entertains with quite an impressive finale with Grieco trapped in an Indiana Jones style deadly villain castle hide out! So if you’re looking for a fun flick to watch with friends and a few beers check this one out-it should have made ol’ Grieco a star like Depp! Oh well!!
So I’m just not that pumped on the whole Ben Affleck Batman scenario. I get that he probably just landed his dream job and that they want Batman and Superman to appear in a movie together but I think we could shoot higher! Let’s think about another more exciting movie sequel, a live action “Dark Knight Returns” starring Michael Keaton once again as Batman!!
I was watching Keaton in a movie recently and it dawned on me that he’s the perfect age to play Batman again, in the role from the legendary Frank Miller story. Seriously. I think this is something that they need to make happen. It would make for quite a treat to all Batman fans and maybe, just maybe we could get Tim Burton to direct. I really don’t trust Burton with anything these days, I suppose he’d need to somehow insert Johnny Depp into the equation, hell maybe he could play Robin?! That’d be if we changed the sex of Robin for the movie but hey it could work if that’s what burton really needed to make himself happy! But if we could get Burton to go back to his roots with this one it’d be quite an experience!
So what about the Joker you ask? Well…no brainer, Jack Nicholson of course as an old Joker would be absolutely fantastic! Because guess what? The Joker didn’t die in the original Burton movie! Nope! Because we’ve seen it happen in the comics many times, we all know he never truly dies nor do any valuable characters. However they better jump on this idea quick as we’ve heard rumors of Nicholson possibly retiring. How great would this be as his last hurrah?! The movie could show a recap of what happened throughout the years between them, with Keaton’s Batman and we could stick to the same visual style of the first movies.
To me that sounds like a good time. Far far better than Ben Affleck jumping into the next Superman flick. I mean the first Superman was sufficient but it really didn’t captivate audiences in the way they’d anticipated. But that means that we would hypothetically need a Superman for this Burton version, so who’d fit the bill? I wouldn’t be opposed to Cavill returning, though this universe may be to Burton-esque for him, I’d be ok more so with Brandon Routh returning to the role as he has that Christopher Reeve vibe and ultimately his Superman would have fit pretty good into the 1989 Batman’s universe quite nicely. So there you have it Hollywood! Make this shit happen! This would truly be an exciting venture I’d pay to see more than once!
What do YOU think?
So I finally got around to seeing the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie “On Stranger Tides”, the fourth installment to the ridiculously popular Disney franchise. I know what you’re thinkin’, does this movie really need any more hype? Probably not, but I waited on seeing this one a little longer than I’d originally planned because of all the awful reviews I have seen that the critics gave. I was initially going to see it opening weekend as I really do like the previous films. The first one was awesome while the second and the third were just pure popcorn. So what gives with this new film? Well to be honest it didn’t really seem different than the previous films as far as quality goes. I have to say as far as sequels go it was at least as good as the second and third films if not maybe even dare I say…..a bit better?!
There were a few things I liked better this time around than in the previous Pirates, one being the absence of Bloom and Knightley! Thank god that those two characters were axed from the fourth film! Them returning in the previous sequels was simply just too much extra bland, boring baggage-I mean we all spent a LOT of screen time on their lame sub plot snooze fest romance story in the first three films…it was nice to have a story that really revolved around pirates.
Also it felt a bit more like the first flick as the story and effects were much more simple, stream lined and focused. The last two movies crammed way too much shit down your throat. From tired sub plots, to cg infested imagery and characters, the last two movies at the end of the day felt like a big sloppy mess. Don’t get me wrong they were a fun mess-kinda like eating a sloppy joe that’s just too big.
This installment much like the first kept the supernatural elements much more subdued. You basically get mermaids, the fountain of youth, high adventure and a lot of pirates. It seems though that the critics really love to dissect movies like this. Why?! Does anyone take these films seriously? They all have sub par acting and outrageous story lines. They are pure popcorn flicks at best and they are probably the best of the cheezy summer blockbusters. Let’s all not forget either that they’re based on a damn ride at Disney World for cryin’ out loud! So to set the record straight I think this newest film was a real fun time at the movies, better than what I was expecting and a welcome chapter in the saga of Sparrow and the Pirates of the Caribbean…..I’ll be back on deck for a fifth!
So I guess it could be said that the Pirates of the Carribean movies were somewhat of a guilty pleasure for me. Really I was pretty dang impressed with all three of them-least impressed with the third film. But hey I own them all on dvd. So now we finally get to see what the fourth film, which will be starting a new trilogy will be like. I must say it looks pretty damn fun. Alot of people too are complaining that Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley aren’t in this one-however that’s one of the BEST selling points for this new installment! I personally couldn’t care less about the two of them and am so glad that we don’t have to deal with their “tender love” once again in this next movie. This one look like it’s really about the pirates this time-and personally I can’t wait to get back on board…
Well as you may or may not already know Tim Burton is attempting to tackle Alice In Wonderland and guess what? It stars Johnny Depp. Thankfully Burton has decided NOT to cast him as Alice though I am sure that he was considering it at some point! I am really wondering if he is going to be able to pull this one off. I hope to god it’s nothing like his absolutely wretched remake of “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” or his completely lame version of the sci-fi classic “Planet Of The Apes”. We’ll see where he takes this one but so far the still look pretty breathtaking …