Friday the 13th Meets The Karate Kid: 1985’s The New Kids!

This last Friday night I had myself a little movie night by myself, real exciting beginning to a weekend huh? Well that’s the life of a dork sometimes I guess. But honestly it could have been a total bust as I have learned many times as I am constantly taking chances on movies trying to find the hidden gems of yesteryear. Usually I end up with some total crap ass movies-the kind that aren’t even good in a bad way, but this time little did I know I was in for a treat!

Well my double feature started out pretty good with 1994’s Brainscan, starring Edward Furlong. This one turned out to be a pretty fun little movie where Furlong orders a new state of the art interactive “video game” from Fangoria magazine and it ends up subliminally turning him into a vicious killer. It also introduces one of the lameest movie monster villains I’ve seen in quite some time, the amazingly not scary at all “Trickster”.

This jerk off is about on par with The Wishmaster if you get my drift. Still it was a decent movie despite some really shitty 1994 CG.

The next movie however was the real deal, Sean “Friday the 13th” Cunningham’s movie “The New Kids” was a real treat all the way back from 1985.


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Chuck Norris Brings Us The Expendables 2…..For Kids?!!

What the HELL?! I was pumped about The Expendables 2 – I really enjoyed the first one and I really loved most of all that it was a throwwback to movies like Commando, Cobra and Delta Force of the 80’s. However I felt there was still something missing from the first installment-that’s where the hope for a perfect throwback action film was invested in the sequel. The sequel which now adds Ah-nold and Bruce Willis in larger roles also boasts the addition of Jean Claude Van damme and Chuck Norris to it’s ranks. It all sounded absolutley perfect until today when it was announced that the movie would be getting a PG-13 rating!!! What the hell!?? Who’s responsible for this B.S. move you ask?!

Well none other than Chuck Norris!!! Supposedly he signed on to the movie only if it would be “kid friendly”. He is opposed apparently to any foul language or cursing that could offend children. Well I don’t need to hear everyone cursing every five seconds, that’s not what worries me-it honestly the gore level that concerns me-I mean did you all see the last Rambo movie?! Now that was one crazy comically gory action movie-Sly delivered the goods. The Expendables was pretty damn over the top too-but with this movie Sly promised it’d be the comically violent, over the top, dumb, one liner action flick everyone was hoping for from the start. Unfortunately Norris had to go and get all Walker Texas Ranger on us all with The Expendables 2….hmmm… well now actually that could end up being pretty damn fun. We’ll see I guess but one thing I never thought was that the sequel was going to go soft on us…In the end this could be more what The Expendables 2 end up playing out as!

The New Hulk Series: Far From Incredible!

You all must know how disappointed I have been with the Incredible Hulk in the comics for the last few years, the Red Hulk, A-Bomb, The Incredible Hulks….Uggh! I just couldn’t stand it! So naturally I was pumped to have all of that bull shit wrapped up with the mess that was made of the Hulk over the years when I heard that Hulk was going to get a new writer and start over again at number one with Jason Aaron and Mark Silvestri on board. Now here we are at issue number four and I have got to say my attention is seriously faltering.

The concept seemed interesting enough, well sorta, Hulk and Banner have split into two different entities and are at odds with each other. Well too bad John Byrne already did this in his short but brilliant stint / story arc way back in the 80’s. But well we all know how original ideas are hard to come by now days…anyway what we have ended up with is a long haired bearded Hulk who lives in the crust of the earth with the mole men and a psychotic dick of man, Bruce Banner who lives on an the gamma Island of Doctor Moreau. Seriously borrowing a bit TOO much there from Moreau-it’s almost sickening. But hey what the hell right it’s the Hulk?

Well for some reason Banner is trying to turn into the Hulk again but it ain’t working and he’s become a mad man, sending his Doc Moreau clones after the real Hulk and pissing him off. So the Hulk decides to go after Banner once and for all…oh yeah the Hulk is intelligent again. How the hell is it determined these days if he’s a mindless monster, a child like brute or an intelligent bad ass? I have been confused for years about this all. Anyway Amanda Von Doom (no relation to Doctor Doom, apparently that’s a common last name?!) has gotten the Hulk to help her destroy Banner because her group of assassins takes down mad scientists exclusively. How convenient huh?

Now they head toward Gamma Banner Moreau island and get attacked by Hulk Sharks, Hulk bats, Hulk Tiger men ect. It’s a pretty weak story if you ask me…I almost prefer Abomb to this really. Then there’s a question of the art, I used to like Silvestri, but today his sketchy art reminds me more of slightly talented Rob Liefeld, I also don’t really dig the long haired handsome bearded “hunk” Hulk that is portrayed here-or for that matter the “old Hulk” they for some reason draw on the cover with his “foot ball player / meat head high top” bowl cut. To make matters worse they have got Whilce Portacio stepping in on issue #4 for some seriously crap-tas-tic artwork that’d make Liefield cringe in his Levi’s 501’s & Doc Martens. I think I just have to say it-the Hulk sucks again!!! How is that possible? Am I crazy Hulk fans?! Have I gone mad and this shit is actually brilliant?! I am hoping this story ends soon and a new writer and artist take it over….hey Mantlo, Stern, David, Jones, Byrne and Buscema rescue me from this ongoing Hulk Nightmare!!

Khan Gets Down in the Dancehall!

The time has come once again to shamelessly self promote myself! Hey somebody has got to do it – anyway I just posted my youtube slide show for the “Wrath of Khan” a song by Mister Saturday. It’s a reggae dancehall retelling of the history of Khan Noonien Singh, the greatest Star Trek foe of all time.

For a while this was the theme song for the Official Star Trek convention’s Myspace page. Remember that website? Me neither really…anyway sit back light one up, pour yourself a glass of ice cold Andorian ale and check out this track from the world first and only nerdcore dancehall artist…

The Yeti Crab : Easily My Favorite New Animal!

Just the name of this new crab species found in the depths of the Antarctic spoke to me, because if you combine the word Yeti with anything it’s bound to be super rad. But then I saw an actual picture of this new crab species just found and I was even more blown away! I mean, how awesome is this creature?! Pretty amazing too that these things were just recently discovered hanging around deep ocean vents that are shooting water out that up to 721 degrees Farenheit!!! I guess we really don’t need to look for aliens in outer space anymore because we’ve got them right here on earth. I wonder how many other strange creatures exist that we’ve yet to discover right here? I wonder what lurks beneath the earths crust-surely there are some amazing creatures down below even further-who know maybe an intellegent race? But in the meantime I am just happy that there’s now something on this planet called a Yeti Crab!!

Mutant Hunt’s Matt Riker Has Got All the Wrong Moves!!

Wow I have just finished watching “Mutant Hunt” a movie I have wanted to see since I was a kid! This movie was worth the wait, if you are a fan of superhumanly bad movies like I am-especially ones that are really trying hard to cool. Well 1987’s Mutant Hunt delivers the suck in a HUGE way! First off I have to mention that when I was a kid I used to see this one at the video store all the time, the cover was always one of my favorites, I’m sure there were a few people fooled into renting this back in the day expecting something as rad as The Terminator, what they got though may be just as enjoyable. Besides what more could you ask for? It’s got hot babes, Matt Riker’s steamy sex appeal, mutant cyborgs, 80’s punks and lots of kung fu!! Aounds like a winner huh?

Look this movie follows a story of an evil mastermind named Z who turns an army of cyborgs against the people of Manhattan, while holding their inventor prisoner. Supposedly he’s given them violent sexual urges, however not one cyborg does anything remotely riske throughout the entire flick! However Matt Riker, ace martial arts master / cyborg hunter surely gets his fair share of action!! Yes Matt Riker is the handsome stud who’s got some of the most awful karate moves I have ever seen! Don’t believe me check this SHIT out as he kicks cyborg ass in his tightie whitey’s!!

In fact pretty much everyone in this movie seems to be mentally challenged when it comes to hand to hand combat-believe me there’s a ton of it in here too thank god! Also it seems that the cyborgs wear black sunglasses because we all know that’s clearly a cyborg fashion trend of the 80’s and have arms that grow and stretch, um stretch very very very slowly that is. There’s a pretty rad cyborg though that’s got most of his face ripped open that’s pretty rad who hangs out for most of the movies final act, this must have been a lot of the movies budget along with the cool cover art. The movie’s cover also suggests the movie was “too gory for the silver screen” but that’s not the case here folks-it was merely too shitty for the silver screen! Clocking in at under 75 minutes this one’s bound to be a crowd pleaser and one that Mystery Science Theater 3000 would have had a blast with…

Conservative Undead Punks: Always a Laugh!

Today I was listening to some Misfits on my ipod while walking to work and a song came on by the 90’s version of the band fronted by Michale Graves. Now I have gotta be honest I actually like this version of the band! I have taken some shit over this over the years but you know what? I don’t care dammit! I feel that in comparison to the newest version of the Misfits with Jerry Only fronting the band it sounds damn near classic!!

Seriously Jerry Only and his new ‘Fits (Dez Cadena and some dude named Chupacabra Man or something) just released a new album called “The Devil’s Rain” and yeah it totally blows…It makes you miss Danzig in a big way-but the thing about it is that now 12 years later it’s making people miss Graves too. Anyway I digress, because hearing the Graves Misfits today made me think back to a segment to an episode of the Daily Show about him and his conservative punk views-which he also got a lot of shit for. Now I am far far from conservative, but you gotta love an undead punk who’s got a sense of humor about his views if you’ve never seen this check it out it’s pretty rad…

Christmas With Good Ol’ Skeletor!

Do any of you remember the He-man & She-ra : The Masters of the Universe Christmas special?! Yes even on Eternia they somehow find a way to celebrate Christmas! This was a great holiday cartoon that many people have forgotten about, however it is now available on dvd, Hulu and on youtube!

Ah the wonders of the modern age…anyway this is a great clip where Skeletor is bringing two captive earth children to Hordak, along the way however Skeletor begins to be taken over by the Christmas spirit-check him out as he inquires about Christmas and we begin to realize Skele ain’t such a bad dude afterall….

But folks that’s not all check out this rad little video that shows Skeletor once again being taken over by the spirit of Christmas-pretty awesome..

Well if any of you are starving for more here is the entire Christmas special in all it’s glory…

The Green Goblin Could Have Been Rad!! Shame on Raimi!

Everyone remembers how truly crap-tas-tic Sam Raimi’s Green Goblin was in the 2002 Spider-man movie right? Remember he was essentially a green Mighty Morphin Power Ranger. Let’s put it this way-if you were actually a fan of The Green Goblin, one of the greatest comic book villains EVER, you weren’t keen on his Goblin. Well as it turned out he got a second chance at bringing us the Goblin we all wanted in the wretched Spider-man 3, what did we get? James Franco on a flying snowboard!

Well people here we get a new look at what Raimi was considering for the look of the Green Goblin, this design was done by ADI and Sam is actually directing the actor in this clip. I don’t know about you but to me this IS the Green Goblin-however to Sam I guess he liked the Power Ranger idea-then again this is the guy who made Spider-man 3 so this isn’t surprising….

Freeman Looking Great as the Hobbit!

Here’s a great new pic just released today from the upcoming Hobbit movie due out next December 2012, it’s a simple picture of Martin Freeman as the Younger Bilbo Baggins and all I can really say is get me the HELL back to Middle Earth as soon a possible! It seems us ‘Rings’ fans are getting exactly what we want, with Peter Jackson completing the story and here seeing how perfect Freeman looks in the role of Bilbo…

In the meantime thought check out these live clips way back from 1990, for this live performance of the Hobbit done by The Children’s Theater Company of Minneapolis MN, Pretty damn bad ass!