Category: bad movies

Leave it to Lucas to Suck it up Even More!!

I am sure everyone has heard about The Phantom Menace arriving in theaters once again soon this time in 3-D? Geez just when we were all about to forget about that mega turd bomb of a film you just knew Lucas was going to find a way to bring that shit back and try and shove the turds down our throats once again! This time he means business too! This time he really wants  you to see just how fucking god damn awful this films was-so he went and made it in 3-D…No this time you will NEVER erase it from your memory!



Apparently he’s trying to get interest in the Star Wars merchandise again, um Lucas do you really need yet another paycheck for this shit? How can you sleep at night? He also said he wants to bring it to a younger audience, attempting to infect young minds with this wretched steaming pile! Well brace yourself once again for a good long look at some of the WORST acting and the WORST big budget CG money can buy….

Roy Batty Goes Homeless!!

Looks like the buzz has officially been blown off the roof for the the newest Grindhouse flick “Hobo with a Shotgun”! This promising sleez-fest stars everybody’s favorite hitchhikin’ android Rutger Hauer! How can you go wrong really? Well interestingly enough I have thus far heard some really mixed reviews for this flick. Some claim it’s a mega cult classic while others have said it’s got all hype an no delivery-just alot of bad filming and wretchedly lame gore . Well I say-i’ll decide for myself bcause so far this DOES look like a winner-as Hauer has gotta be one of the most menacing men in movie history!

 This one started as a fake trailer in a contest to win a slot to be featured in the Canadian viewing of Tarantino & Rodriguez’s  masterpeice double feature, “Grindhouse”-which was probably the most enjoyable theatrical experience of the last decade! Anyway here’s the trailer-what do you think?

Is M. Night Shyamalan Really THAT Bad?!!

So the news is out M. Night Shyamalan has won multiple awards this year at the Razzies. The M. Night action-flick, which was razzed on by critics upon its release last year, won for Worst Director, Worst Picture, Worst Screenplay, Worst Supporting Actor and a brand new category — Worst Eye-gouging Misuse of 3-D. Wow harsh huh? There was a time when Night was considered a genius.

I have to say personally The Last Airbender was pretty mediocre-and I honestly never even got around to even finishing watching the movie. But worst movie of 2010?? No way. Yeah it did indeed suck in a hard way-but I’d say it was leaps and bounds better than anything Adam Sandler put out last year!

So what gives with Night now days? Is he really THAT bad? Continue reading →

The Last American Virgin: John Hughes on Crack!

Wow yesterday I watched a movie that seriously perplexed me! The movie in question is 1982’s The Last American Virgin, which I thought was going to be a relatively innocent John Hughes / Revenge of the Nerds style rip off film. We I must say this movie is just downright fucked! First off I have to mention the movie has a pretty amazing 80’s soundtrack-Devo, The Cars, Blondie U2 and about a billion other 80’s new wave bands have songs in this film which almost plays like one long music video. It starts off as just a bad 80’s teen comedy-kinda like American Pie set in ’82.

The three main characters are flat out creepy, creepy dudes Continue reading →

Evil Turkey Thanksgiving Invasion!

Thanksgiving is just a few days away and I’ve already rented my copy of Planes, Trains & Automobiles to watch with a belly full of turkey and a few glasses of wine down the hatch. But the hard thing about thanksgiving for me is that there just doen’t seem to be any real thanksgiving themed horror movies out there that are easily accessible to the masses. Actually it doesn’t really seem like there are any at all! Well look no further if you are craving something different this year after the big feast.

 If you get a chance check out “Thankskilling” which was released last year on dvd. It’s about a killer turkey who’s out getting his revenge on t-day! Yeah so there wasn’t much of a budget for this film, only $3500 but hey what the hell else are you gonna watch that’s really even mildy entertaining? Well check this out but just make sure your guests are ready for something truely terrible!!

Want the whole scoop on Thanks killing check this out..

Splice Sex Scene Whatta Laugh…

So I just watched Splice last night you all know the movie with Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley finally. I just wanted to take a moment to say that the movie wasn’t that good, it had some shitty ass as usual CG and it had a totally stupid plot twist of Adrien Brody getting it on with the lil’ Monster with the CG legs. I know this is old news but hey, but it WAS just released on dvd & I don’t make it to the theaters much lately as I am trying to save money (hint hint-when am I gonna get some free movie passes or something from doing this site?!).

I just wanted to say that the fact that Broder suddenly wants to fuck the little monster they have been raising was just pretty damn lame-I know, it’s supposed to be super edgy right-cuz it’s a monster and Broder is all hot stuff and is all real kinky cuz it’s a monster! Oh yeah though she’s kinda sexy right? It’s just sooooo damn edgy!!? They did have alot of hot on screen chemistry right-Broder and the monster? NO!!! blah blah blah….what a dumb movie. Sorry folks not much else I can say here-if you wanna get a real shock check out the Masters of Horror episode directed by Dario Argento called “Jenifer” and skip this turd!

PLEASE Reboot The League of Extraordinary Gentleman!!

It’s funny but sometimes there are certain movies I actually want to be remake or in this case rebooted. The movie at hand here is The League of Extraordinary Gentleman and if you have seen this steaming pile of shit of a movie from 2003 then you know exactly why I am starting the campaign right here at Universal Dork to get this rebooted and done the right way! So it would seem kinda weird huh since the movie was released a mere seven years ago right? Well think about how fast The Incredible Hulk was rebooted, now Spider-man and the Fantastic Four. So why not The League? Though the movie was pretty well cast Stephen Norrington still managed to totally fuck it up. God damn they even managed to get Sean Connery cast as Quartermain!

Did he ever even read the comic book? If so did he just decide to trash it on purpose with an unmemorable, generic pile of Hollywood bull shit dumbed down for the masses? The answer most likely is YES. It’s really no secret that the movie sucked the big one real hard so what I think is that we need a good director say like Zack Snyder to reboot this thing and make it the movie it should have been. It had, like the book, the potential to be a grand adventure  in the same vein as Indiana Jones.

It also should have retained some of the grit of the original series Continue reading →

Hasselhoff’d Nick Fury Remembered!!

Could it be that I just blocked this incredible peice of tv cinema from my memory?? Is it possible that I have never seen the David Hasselhoff “Nick Fury” movie before?? Yes. Apparently the Nick Fury movie came out in 1998 and was made for tv-perhaps my mind just refused at the time to register this? Well whatever the case I need to check this out as soon as possible!

 From this lengthy trailer it appear that this one could be a real golden turd! I mean how could this one have slipped under the radar for so many years?? Well truth be told here I kinda dig Hoff in the role-at least appearance-wise.

 Anyway I am off to ebay to find this one and hopefully it will live up to all of my expectations as bad movie GOLD….. 

THE TECHNICOLOR NIGHTMARE PT.3-BODY TROOPERS

BODY TROOPERS, AKA: CHASING THE KIDNEYSTONE (Idsoe, 1996)

A decade after Joe Dante made INNER SPACE, a Norwegian woman made a movie about a boy and his grandpa’s kidney stone. What follows is a disturbing art film about bodily functions and fluids.  Get ready for a swim! (WARNING: gross stuff ahead)

BODY TROOPERS-CHASING THE KIDNEYSTONE Poster

Simon lives with his grandpa, a widowed saxophonist, and they have a self-pitying stuffed bear that talks like a hot dog salesman. The night before grandpa’s jazz band reunion show (whom grandma sang for) he wakes up Simon with the kind of groaning that a football to the crotch or bad burrito will induce. Feeling helpless, the boy and the whiny bear bust out a chemistry set and shrink Simon to microbial size.

It all starts with grandpa’s mouth (specifically his giant lip and tongue). Simon steps over taste buds the size of basketballs, some of which talk. A lot. They even have telephones.

Bitter Bud on her flesh phone.

They are disturbed by the boy and want to know how he tastes. Bitter bud calls the Brain. Continue reading →

Step Aside Rambo Here Comes Buck Matthews!!!

I just recently acquired a copy of the 80’s action flick “Eye of the Tiger” starring our main overacting king of cinema Gary Busy!! I must say it seems that back in 1986 they were looking for the new Stallone and someone apparently thought that guy was Gary Busey. Good that they did cuz Busey is turbo charged in this action flick as an ex-Vietnam has is hard vet whose wife and kid gets killed by a crazed group of bikers hell bent on complete mayhem where ever they go.

 Yes that means when they’re pissed at you they are going to ride their motorcyles straight into your house through the windows! Hell they even smash through solid walls on their bikes! Well to make a long story short just track this down yourself to see Busey as ultra bad ass Buck Matthews as he takes care of some serious business in a way only he can…did I mention that Eye of the Tiger is actually the movie’s theme song? How can you go wrong?!