John Hughes on Crack!

Wow yesterday I watched a movie that seriously perplexed me! The movie in question is 1982’s The Last American Virgin, which I thought was going to be a relatively innocent John Hughes / Revenge of the Nerds style rip off film. We I must say this movie is just downright fucked! First off I have to mention the movie has a pretty amazing 80’s soundtrack-Devo, The Cars, Blondie U2 and about a billion other 80’s new wave bands have songs in this film which almost plays like one long music video. It starts off as just a bad 80’s teen comedy-kinda like American Pie set in ’82.

The three main characters are flat out creepy, creepy dudes. The main character Gary is a obsessive weird stalker type and his other two friends Rick (who I’m convinced is a closet homosexual) and David are sex crazed freaks who in the first sequence try luring girls over to their house promising them cocaine, weed and quaaludes.

These weirdos don’t actually even have drugs-they just wanna get laid and instead give the girls sugar to trick them into letting them get into their pants! The main dude Gary relentlessly tries to seduce an overweight girl on his couch in a most unsettling manner.

Then later while hanging out in the locker room the three horny teens suddenly decide to hold a contest with all the rest of the guys in the locker room to see who has the biggest dick. They all line up with boners while while they use a measuring tape to decide the winner! Keep in mind this is an MGM classics release. Can I keep going? Well Gary is also obsessed with this weird ass girl named Karen-who his buddy Rick is trying to de-virginize constantly while Gary continues to try and fails to hook up with over and over.

He brings his two horny buddies over to a rather bizarre older women’s house who has sex with them one after another, all three of them then decide to pay a prostitute to have sex with them one after another-once again talking about who’s getting sloppy seconds. Then the next day all three of them discover they have crabs and head to the local swimming pool too “drown them”.

No we’re not watching a hot chick by the pool-we’re just trying to drown our crabs..

Now all this was fine and dandy and didn’t really seem like anything more crazy than say one of the Porkies movies but there was one plot twist that just straight up had me baffled! Don’t continue on if you wanna actually see this trashy piece of teen cinema.

Right near the last quarter of the movie Rick finally coaxes Karen to have sex with him-and Gary of course is pissed! He later finds out that Rick got Karen pregnant-and Rick the dick has suddenly then told her to get lost! Gary then being the only one she can trust, takes the sobbing girl to stay at his family’s cottage and raises money all over town for her to get an abortion-while he’s doing this they continually show scenes of Karen getting strapped down and drugged for the operation while some hoppin’ boppin’ 80’s new wave song is sound tracking it all. It seems all is well after as he nurses her back to health and finally tells her that he is in love with her-where they embrace and kiss.

Gary then spends a bunch of cash on some expensive locket with her name on it and plans on giving it to her at a party-where when he gets there find her and Rick screwing around again!!! What the FUCK???!!! The movie simply ends with Gary driving home crying…yeah then the credits role!!! I had to do a rewind to make sure what I had just seen was not a weird ass dream. Nope it really ends that morbidly-the last 4th of the movie isn’t funny at all it’s just downright depressing and weird. This flick is definately worth a watch if you like those old racy teen movies, it’s got a lot of nudity, drugs, drinking, sex and most of all some seriously depressing fucked up scenarios…enjoy my good friends, enjoy…

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8 comments

  1. Charitart

    This is one of my favorite movies for the very twisted reasons you described. It is pure ridiculousness with it’s “get the virgin laid” plot. Very daring, funny and disgusting at the same time. An over the top version of the standard John Hughes movie as you described. Then, in an almost complete change of movie, you have a totally different story going on. Journey is in the background breaking our hearts along with the main character Gary’s agonizing love for Karen. I think the closest comparison is “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” when Damone gets Stacy pregnant. The first half of this movie we have Brad masturbating to Phoebe Cates’ character in the bathroom, and Spicoli rolling out of a VW bus in a cloud of pot smoke. I think these 2 movies, in their complete hilarity are really truly deep and touch a side of being a teenager that is not so glamorous and is actually quite heartbreaking. I think “The Last American Virgin” is a little less refined and smaller budget than “Fast Times,” but non-the-less entertaining and touching. Messed up? Agreed. But definitely worth a viewing.

  2. Charitart

    I really like “Little Darlings” with Matt Dillon, Christy McNichol, and Tatum O’Neil. It is pure 70s, summercamp fun. Matt Dillon is the dirtbag, de-virginizer that all the girls want.

    “Van Nuys Boulevard” is a great movie circa 1976 that kids drive around in shaggin’ wagon vans, and try to get laid. There are some classic cars, vans, and outfits in this fine B movie. It is like a racier, 70s version of “American Graffiti.”

    “Three O’Clock High” is good too. Need to see that again. I will have to think of some more because I know there are others. I still love all the John Hughes movies, and of course “Say Anything” because I love Lloyd Dobler and of course John Cusack is just awesome and is my celebrity crush.

  3. Charitart

    Just a funny side note to “The Last American Virgin.” Like I said my girlfriends and I were sort of obsessed with this movie in high school, even though the movie came out in the early 80s. 5 of us went to Russia our Senior year in 1992. We were walking past a movie theater in St. Petersburg, and this was playing. There were huge posters all over in Russian and English for it. It was almost like it was a new release. We thought that was strange and knew the movie was not very well known.

  4. Charitart

    Ok here is another suggestion. If you like classic T&A, you have to see “H.O.T.S.” It is like the precursor to Revenge of the Nerds mixed with a tamer Debbie Does Dallas. It is from ’79 I think. Here is the trailer.

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