Technicolor Nightmares Pt. 1-JIMMY, THE BOY WONDER

Horror nerds often come with intact reproductive organs. Hence, sometimes they reproduce (albeit rare). I have personal experience. But becoming a parent doesn’t mean you must purge the filth from your video collections! Just as changing diapers are now daily routine, so must stealth nighttime viewings of those video nasties.

Yet, finding a happy medium between you, your child and your TV can be a challenge. That’s why there’s demented kids movies! The exaggerated costumes, candy colored sets, community-theater caliber acting and fantastical plots latent in these low budget bombs often congeal into scary, trippy cheeseballs of pain. You won’t soon forget the emptiness your soul will feel after watching them.

Many can be found on the underground label SOMETHING WEIRD VIDEO.

JIMMY, THE BOY WONDER (H.G. Lewis, 1966)

H.G. Lewis, Godfather of Gore, and more?

Herschell Gordon Lewis was an accomplished businessman, so the man who made BLOOD FEAST, 2000 MANIACS and GORE GORE GIRLS went where the money was and crossed genre lines to do so. Although his nudie cuties, teens-gone-wrong and (shutter) family films may seem like resume fodder compared to the squishy, extreme gore films he was famous for, he had a blanketing modus operandi; low initial budgets that yielded cult status and turned profits over long periods of time. He made only two family films and I’m sure Leonard Maltin would hate them. Yet, they endure with a strange charm that only Lewis could conjure.

SANTA MEETS THE MAGICAL LAND OF MOTHER GOOSE is nothing more than a filmed stage production with awful sound. If I remember correctly, the camera barely moves off the tripod.

JIMMY, THE BOY WONDER however, is laced with Lewis’ macabre sensibilities and full of hilarious jump edits, exaggerated acting, nightmarish visuals and horrifying songs.

Comfort bubble violation. Sound the alarm.

Continue reading

It’s Official Chris Evans is Cap!

Ok well, we really already kinda knew this but I just had to report for the Dork here that Chris Evans has officially been cast as Captain America. The wait is over thank god. That was getting mighty irritating! It’s kinda funny though how we end up with the guy from two of Marvel’s total shit films. Let’s face it the latest Fantastic Four films sucked big time. The Thing somehow looked better in the wretched 1994 Roger Corman flick that was never officially released. I must say too, I think I enjoyed Cormen’s Crapfest  better than the last two Fantastic Four movies. It’s actually good news that it’s getting a reboot.

So I will say though I am releived that these Captain America shenanigans are finally over, you’ve got to admit our American poster boy is quite the anti-climatic choice. Looks like Marvel really decided to save their money on Robert Downey Jr. afterall. There was a time when big names were rumored for the role- there was even talk of Will Smith playing Cap for cryin’ out loud! Well I’m not going to make anymore false judgements on this film until it comes out (ok well I probably will, but whatever-I’ll try not to!). All I have to really say is that even though Evans seems sufficient, after all the hype it’s a little disappointing and I really hope we don’t end up with “Crap-tain America” at the end of the day…

My Time has Come-Iron Maiden Here I Come!

There comes a time in your life when you really just have to suck it up and fucking rock. That time has finally come for me as I am preparing to see one of the best bands in the whole damn world for the first and possibly last time, IRON MAIDEN. Sure the tickets were quite pricey and having grown up attending punk rock shows I really haven’t been to that many arena shows in my time. I mean I saw some pretty amazing bands back in the day for six bucks or less, bands that went on to sell millions of albums even. Even living here in Portland Oregon it seems most bands are just too damn afraid to turn up their amps and many times I end up at the same old timid artsy shows-never getting 1/10th of the rock needed to survive the real world properly. But now the time has finally come to admit to myself, it’s time to man up, rock for real and see one of the best concerts of a lifetime.

I have wanted to see Maiden live for years, but some how always seemed to put it off because of pricey tickets Continue reading

Captain America Casted?!!

The word on the street is that the role of Captain America has officially been offered to Chris Evans of Fantastic Four fame as reported by The Hollywood Reporter. It seems that Marvel has not offically confirmed it as of yet but it seems more than likey that the former Human Torch will be donning the star spangled tights. This includes apparently a 3 picture deal as Cap, The Avengers Movie and other possible appearances in upcoming Marvel flicks.

 I guess honestly they could do much worse than Evans and at first glance I’d say he just might be able to pull it off. It really at this point depends on Joe Johnston though to really nail it. So hopefully this will be a sigh of relief as we can now stop wondering any further who will indeed be the First Avenger!

No Arnold In Predators…..

Well the news has now officially come out that Arnold Schwarzengger will not be appearing afterall in the upcoming Predators film. It’s too bad after all the hype that was made about him reprising his role as Dutch that it seems that he was just too busy once again being Governor of California. Dammit Arnold you need to get your priorities straight! We’re talking about the Predator here!

For some reason you were able to make a cameo in “Around the World in 80 Days” though!!! What’s up with that?? Why the hell did you do that? How about this, just resign as governor already and start making some damn movies again! I thought you were supposed to make King Conan too? Now instead we’ve got a remake with some dude with dreadlocks that weighs like a 160 pounds!

Well at the very least we get to see him in The Expendables. However it’s been seen that Arnie has really let himself go in his older age, I guess unlike Sly Stallone not everyone is getting plastic surgery and taking growth hormones. I have also heard that Arnold may run for the Senate this year?! Bad bad move Arnold you need to postpone your politcal career and get in on these cameos dammit….

Predators Trailer Debut!!

Ok so today the official trailer for Predators is out! It looks pretty bad ass to me and I now I must say I can’t wait for the real film to hit! check it out!!

“The film stars Adrien Brody as Royce, a mercenary who reluctantly leads a group of elite warriors who come to realize they’ve been brought together on an alien planet… as prey. With the notable exception of a disgraced physician, they are all cold-blooded killers – mercenaries, Yakuza, convicts, death squad members – human “predators” that are now being systematically hunted and eliminated by a new breed of alien Predators.”

Giant Monsters Everywhere!!

Ok so last night I had a little too much to drink at my weekly epic LOST party! Can you blame me? It’s the last damn season of one of the most epic sci fi shows ever! Anyway often times consuming to much alcohol leads to me either being to brain dead to blog of just too damn tired. Well today however being partially brain dead and I will admit a bit on the tired side spent some time on good ol’ You Tube watching endless videos and one that I thought was a blast to share here was Cinemassacre’s 2008  Top Ten Giant Monsters list! Who doesn’t love a giant movie monster?! If you don’t love giant movie monsters you shouldn’t even be on Universal Dork! There’s literally nothing we like better here than a good giant “man in rubber suit” monster gracing the screen. So take a few moments of your time and check out this cool vid-you’ll never guess who takes the number one spot!

Just Cast Captain America & Let’s Get on With It Already Dammit!

Word on the street is that there is once again no decision on who is gonna play the role of Cap! Come on Joe Johnston, you were given the dealine of March 1st to pick someone-get your shit together already! Not only is there no frontfrunner for the part but Johnston has also decided to bring in some more candidates for the part. Now pointing to Channing Tatum from the  super studpid G.I. Joe movie and also Ryan Phillipe who starred in the equally lame Cruel Intentions. Wow exciting huh? Not so much.

I am personally biting my tongue for anything I said about Leonardo Dicaprio getting the role of Cap a while back!  Continue reading

Vampires SUCK!

Well the vampire craze has definately gotten out of control again! It seems as if everyone is makin’ a vampire movie these days since the success of the highly over rated crap fest “Twilight”. It really is too bad when a trend which is otherwise pretty dang cool is started by a shitty ass movie! At the least the zombie revival was kicked off by the amazing 28 Days Later. But still I’m a fan of the vampire, even though this year was supposed to be the year of the werewolf it seems to have been derailed by the Wolfman. So vampires are everywhere still and I’m not opposed to that, hell I even got into True Blood. 

Well amidst all of this blood sucking there’s still yet another vampire movie I am pretty pumped to check out. Suck is a pretty unique looking flick Continue reading

Official Sneak Peek of the PREDATORS Movie…

I just checked out the offical Predators movie website and they now have just posted a cool little featurette up about the movie with some bad ass clips and insight from Robert Rodriguez . It’s looking pretty awesome so far, much better than I expected and incredibly old school ala the original. No sign yet of Arnold, yet he is still rumoured to make a cameo near the end of the movie!

 There’s even a quick shot of what appear to be Predator hunting “dogs”. This will hold you over until the 18th when the official trailer is released! Check it out here!

Also check out the full report on the Predators trailer and Q&A with Rodriguez posted today from SXSW from one of my fav websites BloodyDisgusting.com!