Category: bad movies
Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice – A Boring, Emo Version of The Super Friends…
Well a couple nights ago I decided to check out Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice and went in with a totally open mind. I had to briefly put my thoughts out there on this one and so sorry to say I just wasn’t feeling it. At all. It started out ok but with every minute it just became more of a disjointed, confusing mess. Some movies are messy and fun, but Dawn of Justice was just a flat out bore. Ben Affleck was a sufficient Bruce Wayne and Cavill of course was decent as Supes again but wow, this movie’s story felt like it was written by an eight year old and pace was that of a stoned three legged tortoise. Filled with plot holes galore, bad “gritty” grey filtering, fake ass CG, terrible dialogue, over stylized “emotional” imagery and one absolutely absurd ass villain.
Yep this movie does have the worst Lex Luthor ever. Jesse Eisenberg was just absolutely terrible as one of the most iconic comic book villains of all time. This whiny, “I’m so totally crazy”, bratty, twenty something, Jolly Rancher eating Luthor was about as menacing as The Purple Pie Man from Strawberry Shortcake. His whole ridiculous, overplayed act took a huge dump on the legendary villain. Snyder’s clearly trying to make Luthor more relatable and cool to Millenials when he should have based the villain on an asshole like Donald Trump. I don’t care how much money this movie makes, it just totally sucks. It’s one giant, bloated set up for a slew of DC movies that are desperately trying to mimic Marvel’s recipe for success.
Unlike most of the Marvel this movies this has zero heart and it’s just no fun at all. It felt like a script lifted from an old Super Friends cartoon from the 1970’s but with Zack Snyder adding a mega douchey, “super gritty”, emo, “hip” spin on it. It also felt like it suffered from a serious case of bad editing? I guess Wonder Woman was pretty cool(she actually was the best thing about this mess), although kinda just crammed into the movie for the hell of it and Doomsday…ughh….why? Way to ruin that character too. Don’t get me started.
Ok so the movie was one time viewing for me, not in a good way, like you don’t need to see it again because of a crazy plot twist but in a way that I’d never waste two plus hours of my life again with something so damn uninspiring ever again. I’m also pretty sure I don’t really need to see another Zack Snyder movie for as long as I live….I’m officially over it.
The Scoop Behind the Greatest Spider-Man Fan Film of All Time!
Fan films are all the rage these days especially with the popularity of Youtube making it possible for anyone to get their content out there. Well back in 1992 a movie was made that’s just over 45 minutes long that many call the greatest fan film of all time: The Green Goblin’s Last Stand. The movie was made by mega fan Dan Poole who recreated the legendary Spider-Man story “The Night Gwen Stacy Died”.
He financed the film for around 400 bucks and did all the stunt work himself at times swinging above buildings on a rope with no safety net. Now That’s dedication! Also this fan film has a pretty creepy rendition of the Green Goblin, the absurd looking costume only adds the insanity of the character. However I’ve never been a fan of any of the big screen renditions of the Goblin. Anyway I discovered this cool making of video on Youtube that gives the full scoop on this now cult comic book flick. Pretty awesome stuff and considering it was 1992 it makes it all that much more badass! Check it out!
Here’s the full movie just in case you’ve never seen it! It’s a ton of fun and totally D.I.Y.!!
Arachnid Delivers Classic Monster Madness!
I stumbled upon a cool little gem of a movie a few days ago called “Arachnid” back from 2001 and was quite happy to see a cool classic style creature feature done the right way! Yeah Arachnid was made during a time when pretty much anything of the monster movie genre was rendered in super shitty digital effects.
However Arachnid somehow went against the grain at the time and pulled off some damn inspiring practical monster effects by way of animatronics, stop motion and puppetry. It also doesn’t hurt that the movie was directed by Jack Sholder (Nightmare on Elm St. 2, The Hidden, Wishmaster) either. It’s clear he loves the genre and likely pushed for the old school 80’s style monster mash with Arachnid.
The movie takes us to an exotic island that’s infested with monster spiders and even a big spider snake hybrid. It’s basically a fight for survival as a group of people become trapped on the island after their plane crashes. It’s pretty light on plot but once the movie kicks into gear it really does feel like a campy 80’s creature feature.
This one is a cool little forgotten flick that over the years I ignored largely because I figured the effects were going to be a weaker version of the questionable CG of Eight Legged Freaks, which hasn’t aged well. Arachnid though will deliver to anyone who’s a fan of the way monster movies were done back in the 70’s & 80’s! Track this one down, it’s available through Netflix on dvd too!
Five Creature Features To Look Forward To In 2017!
Being a big fan of monster movies can be tough in this day and age where it’s not that often you see a real good one hit the theaters! Well my hopes are always high that I just might see a good one each and every year and in 2017 so far it seems the pickins are a bit slim at the moment, but heck I need me some monster movies this year! Anyway I did a little poking around and found a five upcoming movies that look somewhat promising if you’re a monster maniac like me!
BOAR:
It‘s looking here like we might have a contender in the big pig genre of monster movies. Of course at number one we have “Razorback” from 1984 which is a perfect creature feature in my opinion. Let’s give this new Australian flick a chance though the trailer looks pretty awesome!
BAD BLOOD: THE MOVIE:
Video Tonfa Collected: The Good, The Bad & The Ugly of VHS!
I’m super excited to get this brand spankin’ new collected version of ‘Video Tonfa’ just released by Floating World Comics here in Portland Oregon. I’ve posted here before about indie comic artist, writer & publisher Tim Goodyear’s incredibly inventive & honest movie reviews which can be read regularly in Pork Magazine – But now movie maniacs can get a collected version of over 600 pages worth of them.
Goodyear not only reviews them in his own words but also recreated each movie’s classic and not so classic VHS covers. Any fan of cult, weirdo, horror, action and the like is bound to dig the creativity and time put into this project. Also reviewed are probably a truckload of flicks you’ve never heard of and that alone can lead you to some pretty excellent film finds if you’re willing to take the time to track em’ down for yourself!
Luckily Goodyear has put in the long hours to weed through it all for for you and give you his own take of what’s been overlooked in the vast sea of lost VHS treasures and turds. So yeah, if you’re like me and just can’t seem to get enough of the largely forgotten cinema of yesteryear then this is a book you’ll wanna reference quite often! Check it out here!
VHS Verdict: ‘Thunder Run’ Proves That in the 80’s Old Guys Kick Ass!
I dusted off a VHS copy of ‘Thunder Run’ from 1986 last night and we got to see a hotshot 67 year old action star kickin’ major ass in his souped up semi truck! Yeeehaw! Yep this one was a total blast, if you’re looking for some seriously over the top action and crazy car chase trucker mayhem then you just won the fuckin’ lottery!
Forrest Tucker is the man here, a retired truck driver named Charlie who’s asked by an old friend/ Gov’t operative to drive a load of plutonium across a barren Arizona highway to lure out some psychotic terrorists and take them out once and for all. Sounds like a fool proof plan huh?
Nope this one doesn’t give us Jean Claude Van Damme or a Chuck Norris type kicking ass, instead you get an elderly bad ass geezer who tricks out his rig with a bunch deadly secret weapons he can activate via dashboard flip switches. We’ve got some classic bad guys too, their leader, a poor man’s Michael Ironside look alike with a nasty attitude and of course naturally a nasty facial scar (because we all know evil people sport nasty facial scars) does his best to be the perfect evil 80’s villain. The best part of the flick though is when the actual dangerous drive cross country begins and Charlie discovers his grandson is hiding in the cab and is fully ready for duo tag team terrorist ass whoopin!
So once the action kicks into high gear it really just does not let up. Nope this one has crazy terrorists coming after the big rig from every direction on motorcycles, fake cop cars, weaponized Volkswagon Beetles & rival semi trucks. Charlie and his grandson get down and dirty roasting terrorists with flame throwers that they’ve installed into the sides of the semi, battering rams and some truly outrageous big rig road antics.
This is the type of flick where it don’t take much more than a scratch to blow the fuck out of car with huge amounts of fire shit flying everywhere. It’s nice to actually see real explosions again in a damn movie that’s for sure. One scene in particular where they jump the 18 wheeler (with plutonium in back mind you) over a moving train! Oh and the finale through the ridiculous laser tunnel is a total blast as well. So check this one out if you’re jonesin’ for a different type of action flick and action hero as ‘Thunder Run’ will deliver the goods on all cylinders and then some! This one’s worth hunting down!
Thor ROCKS Portland Oregon With His New Documentary and Live Show!!
This week I had the great pleasure to see the legendary Jon Mikl Thor live right here in Portland Oregon! But that wasn’t all, before he hit the stage he gave us all a screening of the new documentary “I am Thor”!!
Some of you might not even know who Thor is but if you like 80’s metal and 80’s horror flicks then there’s a good chance you’ve heard of this guy. To me, my first introduction to him was in the cult favorite flick ‘Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare’ and this one really has got to be seen to be believed. It’s one of the best cheezy 80’s flicks of all time. Don’t believe me check this shit out:
Anyway to make a long story short, Jon Mikl Thor was a successful body builder who fronted the band Thor way back in 1973. He looked like a real life version of the Marvel Comics character or heck he could easily have passed as He-Man as well!
He really never achieved the success he’d always wanted and spent most of the 70’s and 80’s touring the world. He had a short career in B-movies as well and in 1997 he decided to pick up the hammer again and rock the world as Thor one more time.
The documentary covers this and so much more and is filled the heart and determination of a man who’s willing to defy the odds for the sheer love of Rock & Roll. It follows his rise and fall as well as his quest to return to the stage years later. In many ways it’s quite similar to another excellent documentary about another Canadian metal band called Anvil. If you want a dynamic double feature I highly recommend “I Am Thor” and “Anvil: The Story of Anvil” they will inspire you to never give up on your dreams.
Thor at Dante’s, Portland Oregon
We get a lot of great info on Jon Mikl Thor as well, one interesting thing was learning that he was originally asked by Jerry Only from the Misfits to front the 90’s version of the band before eventually getting Michale Graves to replace Danzig. Man, how awesome would a Thor fronted version of The Misfits have been?!! Well to me it sounds awesome.
If you get a chance check this movie out, it’s a lot of fun and by the end of it you’ll feel like you really know the guy personally. I guess that’s one reason why I had such a good time at the show, after the movie we got to see Thor rock again with a full band. Though he doesn’t have the long hair or ultra ripped body that he used to he’s still got the pipes and at age 62 he’s got a ton of great energy. It was a real treat seeing a band playing that style of metal and while not fully familiar with all of his music (mainly because I didn’t own any of it personally yet), when I attended the show by the end of his set I couldn’t get his power metal anthems out of my head.
I knew I had to go much deeper into the music and film career of John Mikl Thor! He’s a true character who never gave up on his dreams and though his shows don’t sell out you can see how much this guy truly appreciates every person in attendance. It was a night that still has me smiling days later. It takes a very special person to make you feel that in this day and age. Long live Thor, you’re still the number one Warrior of the Universe in my opinion…
Thor on the left, my buddy Jeff in the center and me on the right!
VHS Verdict: Shock ‘Em Dead Will Make Your Colon Spastic!
I recently was lucky enough to catch one the best Rock n’ Roll horror flicks of the 90’s: “Shock ‘Em Dead”! To be exact this one came out in 1990 and man was it a good time. This one is the perfect party flick and a good amount of booze is recommended in conjunction to get the ultimate enjoyment out of this giant ball of cheez. Shock ‘Em Dead is one of Traci Lords’ legitimate Hollywood movies and that’s not saying much in this case! To be fair though I think she was the only woman in this movie that actually didn’t get naked! So at least she was really trying to make it a point to distance herself from her well known controversial racy porn career.
However Shock ‘Em Dead is far from a good horror movie per say, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a total riot to watch! We’ve got a movie that’d fit quite nicely next to “Rock & Roll Nightmare” for a double feature. Yep you get it all here folks hot babes, hot dudes, heavy metal & of course Satan!! The story follows Martin, a lone nerd pizza boy / terrible guitarist, who’s sick and tired of being made fun of by everyone in town. Well things get worse for Martin after he decides to try out for the local rising rockstar band “Spastic Colon” as lead guitarist.
After being humiliated for sucking so bad on guitar he’s off to make a deal with the devil with a Miss Cleo look-alike voodoo lady. Soon Martin is transformed into a super over the top glam rock god, who sizzles on a double necked B.C. Rich Warlock guitar and returns to wow Spastic Colon with his hyper doodling chops! But man you’d think if you made a deal with the devil you’d go try and join Iron Maiden or Van Halen instead?!
Anyway Martin, now going by the name Angel Martin decides he wants Spastic Colon’s manager Traci Lords (because I’m thinking he might have seen a few of her previous film work)?! Well now that Martin joined the band and is sporting a totally fucking over the top ridiculous glam rocker style with a full on spazzed out gigantic black wig it seems that indeed Traci is beginning to fall some how for this dipshit!
Not only that but as the band’s popularity seems to skyrocket, some weird deaths begin to occur at their shows all at the hands of the devilishly dark Angel Martin . This flick delivers on all cylinders, giving you a totally laughable plot, incredible late 80’s early 90’s glam rocker style, unbelievable dialog & some totally awesomely idiotic songs like Spastic Colon’s big hit “Virgin” Girl!
Did I mention you’ll also get the insanely flashy guitar noodling of Nitro’s very own Michael Angelo Batio too? Yep they hired him to double as Angel Martin’s hand’s when he’s fucking shredding on the double edge axe guitar.
There are so many awesome things about this movie that will have you laughing your ass off and if you’re ok with some pretty un PC humor this one will seriously get the party started and then if anything else you get to watch Traci Lords for an hour and a half-seek this one out, I saw it on VHS but I think it was released this year on special edition dvd!
Coming Soon: An Even Longer R-Rated Cut of The Bloated Hobbit Flick? No Thank You!!
Oh man so today I heard we’re going to get an R-Rated version of the super bloated Peter jackson Hobbit films? This means really that “The Battle of the Five Armies” will have an extended R-Rated cut. This will likely feature a ton more outrageous CG, B.S. subplots and hey maybe if we’re lucky some really intense scenes of highly exaggerated digital computerized blood splatter!!
By now we all know that the three Hobbit movies were pretty much a bunch of steaming dragon shit. A cash grab rather than Jackson actually making a good movie. It also solidified my opinion on Jackson and my excitement for another Peter Jackson movie is at this point nonexistent. To think too that he was once one of my favorite film makers. It’s strange how fame and money can change someone’s film making abilities isn’t it?
Well if this news make you even more depressed about the Hobbit films then I suggest (if you haven’t already) check out Tolkien Editor where you can get the scoop on “The Tolkien Edit” of the flick. This cool blogger goes on to say “So, over the weekend, I decided to condense all three installments (An Unexpected Journey, The Desolation of Smaug and The Battle of the Five Armies) into a single 4-hour feature that more closely resembled Tolkien’s original novel. Well, okay, it’s closer to 4.5 hours, but those are some long-ass credits! This new version was achieved through a series of major and minor cuts”
Sounds like a much needed change to the Hobbit movies. I really wonder if this new edit might actually work as the movie we should have gotten all along? I’m pumped to check this out as I can see a good movie somewhere in Jackson’s fat bloated mess of trilogy. I’ll give it a shot!!
Here’s the edited version of the barrel ride sequence, the bloated beyond belief original theatrical sequence gave me a major headache in the theater and still continues to piss me off to this day…but this here puts a smile on my face-check it..
Universal Dork 