Netflix’s DVD B-Movie Mayhem: Amok Train!
Unlike a most people I’ve STILL got the dvd mailers from Netflix coming my way. Let’s face the facts folks most movies online on Netflix watch instantly kinda suck, it’s crazy how many movies I’ve started and never finished on that damn website! So I’ve been combing the DVD version of the site trying to find cool old b-movie movies they’ve got in their ample reserve. Surprisingly I’ve found some decent lil’ gems there, most of said movies have terrible reviews and super duper low star ratings. I’m going to chronicle those here, the first one I’m recommending is a movie from 1989 called “Amok Train” or as it’s also known “Beyond the Door III”. Keep in mind this movie actually has nothing to do with either of the two previous ‘Beyond The Doors’ but even the Amok Train’s title screen calls it ‘Beyond the Door III’ in the actual movie.
Directed by Jeff Kwitny, who only directed four movies, one was the 1988 ski horror flick “Iced” that I now need to see as well. I wasn’t expecting a god damn thing from “Amok Train” to be honest but this movie actually delivered all the glorious 80’s cheez I personally crave on all levels! From it’s start I could tell just from the odd setting alone, as it was shot in Serbia and actually features some stunning locations that it had some promise going forward. The plot follows some American college students who head off on a class trip to Yugoslavia and witness some crazy ass pagan rituals, after traveling on a creepy ferry, which were surprisingly effectively pulled off. After most of the students survive the deadly encounter from the crazed locals they frantically run off into the woods and come across a moving train that’s barreling through the countryside. Of course they are able to just barely hop aboard (most of them at least) to their “safety” and of course that’s where the rest of the flick’s craziness mostly ensues.
I totally dig the setting of “the trapped on a train with evil forces” aspect of this one. The movie moves along at relatively fast pace as well. It’s got it’s fair share of impressive but ridiculous special effects, as well as some of the most idiotic “train out of control” sequences I’ve ever seen out on film. These scenes though, for me at least, enhance this C-level cinematic experience to higher levels of fun as the train seems to have an evil mind of it’s own. It switches course to evil paths on randomly appearing moving “possessed” train tracks. There’s some pretty cool yet cheezed out shit going on here, like the fact the train’s engine suddenly begins feeding on people rather than coal and the train is on a tight schedule to get one of the “virgin” college students on a perverted play date with the devil himself.
There’s also this cool 80’s badass soldier lady that joins the gang on the train who talks a lot of tuff guy shit and a killer scarf..yeah a killer scarf! The cast who’s got a It’s got some good gore also and stars Bo Svenson for anyone who gives a shit. For a flick I had zero expectations for it made for quite a fun evening of tokin’ and boozin’ it up a bit. If you dig obscure horror stuff that’s not on anyone’s radar then seek this out especially if you’re like me and still get pumped when you see that red and white Netflix dvd envelope in your mailbox!!
VHS Verdict: Shock ‘Em Dead Will Make Your Colon Spastic!
I recently was lucky enough to catch one the best Rock n’ Roll horror flicks of the 90’s: “Shock ‘Em Dead”! To be exact this one came out in 1990 and man was it a good time. This one is the perfect party flick and a good amount of booze is recommended in conjunction to get the ultimate enjoyment out of this giant ball of cheez. Shock ‘Em Dead is one of Traci Lords’ legitimate Hollywood movies and that’s not saying much in this case! To be fair though I think she was the only woman in this movie that actually didn’t get naked! So at least she was really trying to make it a point to distance herself from her well known controversial racy porn career.
However Shock ‘Em Dead is far from a good horror movie per say, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a total riot to watch! We’ve got a movie that’d fit quite nicely next to “Rock & Roll Nightmare” for a double feature. Yep you get it all here folks hot babes, hot dudes, heavy metal & of course Satan!! The story follows Martin, a lone nerd pizza boy / terrible guitarist, who’s sick and tired of being made fun of by everyone in town. Well things get worse for Martin after he decides to try out for the local rising rockstar band “Spastic Colon” as lead guitarist.
After being humiliated for sucking so bad on guitar he’s off to make a deal with the devil with a Miss Cleo look-alike voodoo lady. Soon Martin is transformed into a super over the top glam rock god, who sizzles on a double necked B.C. Rich Warlock guitar and returns to wow Spastic Colon with his hyper doodling chops! But man you’d think if you made a deal with the devil you’d go try and join Iron Maiden or Van Halen instead?!
Anyway Martin, now going by the name Angel Martin decides he wants Spastic Colon’s manager Traci Lords (because I’m thinking he might have seen a few of her previous film work)?! Well now that Martin joined the band and is sporting a totally fucking over the top ridiculous glam rocker style with a full on spazzed out gigantic black wig it seems that indeed Traci is beginning to fall some how for this dipshit!
Not only that but as the band’s popularity seems to skyrocket, some weird deaths begin to occur at their shows all at the hands of the devilishly dark Angel Martin . This flick delivers on all cylinders, giving you a totally laughable plot, incredible late 80’s early 90’s glam rocker style, unbelievable dialog & some totally awesomely idiotic songs like Spastic Colon’s big hit “Virgin” Girl!
Did I mention you’ll also get the insanely flashy guitar noodling of Nitro’s very own Michael Angelo Batio too? Yep they hired him to double as Angel Martin’s hand’s when he’s fucking shredding on the double edge axe guitar.
There are so many awesome things about this movie that will have you laughing your ass off and if you’re ok with some pretty un PC humor this one will seriously get the party started and then if anything else you get to watch Traci Lords for an hour and a half-seek this one out, I saw it on VHS but I think it was released this year on special edition dvd!
VHS Verdict: ‘The Unholy’ Brings Those Pesky 80’s Demons to Church!
Here we have a rather rare VHS I ran across recently while doing some major thrift store shopping up in the north woods of Wisconsin! The Unholy is a pretty neat-o piece of 1980’s demon church cheeze! This is the kind of movie I really enjoy stumbling across.
The Unholy was released in 1988 and tells the story of a Father Michael (Ben Cross) who’s appointed to a church in New Orleans where two priests where murdered two years before. The movie’s pretty dang fun over all, giving you a ton weird ass 80’s goth night club types who perform violent looking mock rituals while the priest investigates the scenes in the New Orleans cult underground. If you’re intrigued by the over the top fashion and nightlife of the 1980’s you’ll dig this.
Of course Father Michael’s going to be ‘tempted’ by some rather ‘unholy’ racy, 80’s style, sexy situations by this demonic force running amuck. Yep this powerful sexy demon goes by the name “Desederious” and spends most of the time trying to seduce Father to the side of the Devil. Too bad Father Michael, despite being a priest doesn’t believe in demons or the Devil!
Well it doesn’t take long before his mind is changed once weird shit begins occurring around the church! This one does drag a bit during the middle with a bit too much jibber jabber going on that quite honestly I could give two shits about. I mean c’mon let’s get on with this shit and have a demon battle already! Well thankfully the third act of this movie is pretty satisfying as a fan of 80’s monster movies this one gets pretty good once Desederious shows her true form and Father Michael loses his sex drive pretty damn quickly!
Yep we get some pretty fun little pesky mini demon minions running around and Desederious looks pretty ridiculously awesome in her true demon form running around on all fours. I mean if I saw that fucking weird ass thing appear in a dark alley I’d most definitely run for the hills while peeing my pants!
‘The Unholy’ has a pretty decent cast, we even see Ned Beatty show up here, we get some fun as hell classic special effects and sweet 80’s fashion. if you can get through about 25 minutes of rather boring dialogue in the middle the third and final act will surely deliver the goods!! Seek this one out if you can and if you’re a true fan of C-movie 80’s horror!
‘Devil’s Due’ Amazing Street Promotion: Pissed off Demon Baby!!!
There’s a new demon baby movie coming out this Friday called “Devil’s Due”. I haven’t really thought much of the movie as it looks like it could be another fairly passable, if that even, Hollywood horror romp.
However today I’m suddenly a bit more interested in the movie now that I’ve seen this promotional video they drummed up using a bad ass animatronic demon baby to scare the living shit out of innocent bystanders! Better yet they even have a remote controlled baby stroller! Check it out:
Now if the actual movie is half as awesome as this video I’ll gladly check it out! However this little prank is going to be hard to top, especially if they resort to using a cg baby in the movie or perhaps decide to skip showing the child at all. In the meantime we have this awesome slice of promotion to enjoy! Here’s the real trailer for the movie: