Tagged: 1980s nostagia
VHS Verdict: John Stamos Gets Sexy With an Apple in NEVER TOO YOUNG TO DIE!
After all these years I never knew that Full Houses’ John Stamos was actually an underrated 1980’s action star?! The proof is in the pudding with 1986’s incredible over the top action extravaganza ‘Never Too Young To Die’. This is one of those rare movies that really left me perplexed, just how it slipped through the cracks all these years? But that makes it even more fun to view for the very first time in modern times!
So not only does this movie feature John Stamos and all of his hunky glory but also features the mega hot pop star Vanity AND hard rockin’ tongue flingin’ Gene Simmons of KISS as one of the most bizarre cinematic villains. Aside from an incredible cast of colorful characters we also get a heavy dose of wild 80’s explosive action sequences as well as a pretty unforgettable sex scene that just needs to be seen to be believed. Yeah the steamy sex scene is one of the best I’ve ever seen put to film and easily one of the funniest, involving Vanity at her hottest, Stamos at his most ridiculously stubborn and an…….apple?!
Whoever came up with the whole sequence deserves an award and just in general this movie is an absolute blast that deserves a bigger cult audience. After a highly skilled secret agent is murdered, his son, who’s a hotshot high-school gymnast, teams up with his father’s super sexy female partner to stop a psychopathic trans-cult leader who had him murdered.
Gene Simmons tears it up in the role as the vicious villain who plans a major terrorist attack on the country’s water supply. Equipped with a killer middle finger nail, his signature gross tongue and some truly over the top outfits, Simmons fully commits to the role too. He steals the show as big baddie “Velvet Von Ragnor” and even performs a “cool” little musical number in the process. I forgot he played the villain a couple other times in the 80’s, the Tom Selleck sci-fi actioner ‘Runaways’ and again in the Rutger Hauer killer thriller ‘Wanted Dead or Alive’.
‘Never to Young To Die’ is easily his wildest role and who’d have ever thought we’d see Stamos and Simmons square off in an 80’s flick?! Also included in a minor role is Robert “Freddy Kruger” Englund who was a pleasant surprise to the cast. I’d say one of the film’s highlights are the villains in general-Simmons’ cult of evil post apocalyptic punks are a pure joy to behold.
They’re so damn over the top in fashion and attitude, making the movie’s mayhem that much more awesome with every little outrageous twist and turn. Stamos also shines using his “skills” as a gymnast as a “Gymkata light” style teenage action hero who teams up with his wacky roommate, a hi-IQ inventor of weird weapons to take on the villains. Then of course there’s Vanity in maybe my favorite movie role, a bad ass assassin who Stamos has a major boner for. Filled with everything that’s totally awesome about the 1980’s ‘Too Young To Die’ is a major winner in every way. Thankfully Shout Factory put out a super sweet blu ray that’s a must for retro action fans of the era!
Eating My Words? KENOBI Finally Gets Good!
I really try not to post that much here about the new Disney Star Wars stuff because everybody and their long lost step brother seem to be having that well covered all over the Internet! So that being said, this one will be short and sweet. So far the Obi Wan Kenobi series in my opinion has been totally lackluster, The story has been pretty bland, the fight choreography feels off, and just the look of the show in general feels like something you might come across at times on the SyFy channel.
To me something of this scale really deserved to be set on the big screen. All of these Star Wars TV shows are just making the franchise feel a little too available and not incredibly special. Gone are the days of waiting for the next movie patiently I guess, Now are the days of each Star Wars series almost overlapping each other once the other ends. Kenobi’s first four episodes haven‘t felt like the “rematch of the century”,
However with the latest, episode 5 I’ve I’ve got to admit I’ve begun to change my opinion on the series at least so far. In my opinion though this took far too long to get here and fans deserve so much more than this for a true return of Vader and Kenobi. Spoilers AHEAD!
I’ve already seen people complaining about the opening scene of episode 5 with the flashbacks featuring Hayden and McGregor sparring in the “prequel era”. The biggest complaint I’m hearing from some fans is they’re upset that they didn’t use the the de-aging techniques they’ve been utilizing in previous series. I might be in the minority here but I think it was a truly wise decision & a complete breath of fresh air to see Hayden playing Anakin in a flashback without some weird rubbery de-aged face. It really made the scene more believable and allowed some REAL more compelling acting with room to breathe. It also felt more fierce, his real face added exactly what this scene needed, more depth. It was for the most part perfectly executed.
Secondly the focus more on Vader AND Kenobi was finally a real step in the right direction, this felt like the show I was hoping for.. Even if James Earl Jones is NOT actually voicing Vader, (instead they used some AI generated respeecher). I really was let down to find out my “vision” of James Earl Jones voicing Darth Vader in a cozy dark studio was actually just more weird digitized shenanigans. It’s for reasons like THIS I was so thrilled to see the real Hayden in the flashbacks! Vader nonetheless was awesome here, powerful and scary. Reva too really blossomed into a much more interesting character with her true backstory and motivations revealed. I was pretty underwhelmed thus far with her in the series, but for the most part this changed almost everything. Of course some of the writing still feels sloppy, but hey look at the damn prequels right?
Also I love that the real Grand Inquisitor is back somehow, seeing him standing next to Vader was a great view: bring on the cool villains! So yeah, I am now pretty excited to see the finale and hope we get a continued focus on mainly Vader and Kenobi, but now I’m also am really intrigued to see Reva’s next move: Way to turn it around Deborah! I’ll be back for more for sure! One last thing though, After being shaped with a lightsaber can people please start dying from that again? I mean the whole surviving being impaled by a being impaled by a laser over and over is getting a little questionable….
Movie Melt: ‘DADDY CAN’T DANCE’ is ‘The ROOM’ Meets ‘BREAKIN’!
So Daddy Can’t Dance?! Dont be so sure of that!! On this episode of the Movie Mellt podcast we cover the extremely cringe inducing but incredibly entertaining vanity project ‘Daddy Can’t Dance’ from 2006!
Believe me when I say you kinda just have to see it to believe it when I’m talkin’ ’bout ‘Daddy Can’t Dance’. Originally titled ‘White Men Can’t Dance’, this one features a former 80’s breakdancer, now middle aged, out of touch, out of shape, office man who decides to give it one more shot! He heads back on the cardboard dance floor when he enters a highly competitive, high stakes breakdancing competition to save the life of his dying daughter! Sheesh, this one’s heeeeeavy!!
Yep! Daddy jumps back on the B-boy scene and tries his best to get into shape and learn some new fresh moves that will put him on the map and land him hopefully the mantle as number one king breakdance champ! The odds are certainly stacked against him as he not only attempts to get his groove back but also thinks that he’s the funniest man to walk the planet as he gets himself into a series of highly uncomfortable situations, using his fully out of touch humor that he still thinks is everone is hip to!
If you’re a fan of ‘The Room’, Tommy Wiseau and ‘Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo’ then feast your eyes upon ‘Daddy Can’t Dance’ ASAP! On this episode we cover this cinematic oddity as well chat about tons of movie mayhem and also have a “battle of the movie band’s” competition! So If you’re into cinematic oddities, check out the LATEST episode of MOVIE MELT right HERE!
Comic Cover of the Week: Marvel’s Epic 80’s Rock Fable!
The more that I think about it and revisit these classic comic book covers, it becomes so apparent, that Bill’s Sienkiewicz is quite possibly the greatest comic book cover artist of ALL time! Here with New Mutants annual #1 from 1984, we again get to see Bill’s amazing craftsmanship on display. I’m honestly quite surprised that bands from the 80s didn’t employ him to create their album covers! They would have been truly epic andvutterly unforgettable! Here’s the Proof!
Hong Kong Horror Gems: 1985’s ‘Those Merry Souls’!
Here’s a sweet little Hong Kong horror/action/comedy hybrid from 1985 that really put a BIG smile on my face, ‘Those Merry Souls’. Yeah this all but forgotten flick has some serious star power, featuring the likes of martial arts legends like the charming Yuen Biao & the late horror icon “Mr. Vampire” himself Lam Ching Ying (RIP) together for one spooky comedic action packed romper.
Now as you can see the poster here. makes it look maybe like a full on comedy, and in many ways ‘Those Merry Souls’ plays out like one. However it also has a serious supernatural aspect and threat that slowly rears it’s head to the final genuinely creepy action packed finale. This one tells the story of two stuntmen one a wildly talented martial artist and his bumbling whiny cousin who’s obsessed with a beautiful local club singer. Oh yeah and their uncle has recently developed a rare creepy ability to astral project and has been helping people who die find their way to the other side. He helps those merry souls but during his waking life doesn’t remember a lick of it ever happening.
The two bosom buddy stuntmen spend most of their time trying to ridiculously find romance and getting into trouble while doing so, one of the best scenes takes place on a beach where Yuen Biao shines showing his kick ass martial arts skills taking on a gang beach bullies in only his skimpy little swim suit. Biao really should have been an international star, he’s got the skills and a similar raw charisma of Jackie Chan. Things do get a bit dark and scary here though and what starts off like the perfect 80’s Hong Kong buddy comedy morphs into a pretty thrilling little supernatural tale.
This happens when their uncle, while in his astral form is instructed to take the soul of his own nephew when he’s injured doing a wild stunt on a movie set. At the moment of truth though he decides to let him live & spare his soul a mistake that costs him his own life and sets forth an evil entity upon them. In a way it’s a tiny bit Final Destination and when they employ the help of their other uncle, played by Lam Ching Ying, who’s of course got some secret magic skills of his own to ward off evil, things get really interesting.
The film’s finale is joyous as the whole gang along with their girlfriends all face off the evil entity along with their taoist priest uncle in an action packed final showdown. The stakes get high and the action is off the rails bonkers in true Hong Kong fashion as the entity possesses members of the group and soon things erupt into a crazy supernatural kung fu battle.
We even get to see Lam Ching Ying and Yuen Biao go at it full force, which is treat to behold. Bottom line here, ‘Those Merry Souls’ is a damn good time balancing out the comedy, kung fu & supernatural elements in all the right ways, something I’ve noticed many Hong Kong films of this era seem to fail at in my opinion more often than succeeding.
If you’re looking to get in 80’s Hong Kong Horror I highly recommend ‘Those Merry Souls’ as the perfect party movie to share with a hungry gang of movie maniacs!
And for fans of Yuen and LamChing Ying check this out too..
‘WEIRD AL’ Weighs in the the Presidential Debate!?
Ok it’s really no secret that the Presidential debates the other night was a complete and total shit show! I’d go as far to say that it may have been the worst “debate” I’ve ever seen. Anyway apparently I’m not the only person who thought that, in this crazy election year we’ve got the legendary crazy nerd pop star Weird Al Yankovic weighing in with another bonafide cult hit! Check this out as Al gives you his thoughts on these two candidates!!
Swords, Sorcery & Bad Choreography Turbo Charge 1984’s ‘The Devil’s Sword’!
I’m not real familiar with with Indonesian cinema, but last night I watched a dvd (yeah a DVD folks!!!!) I got in the mail from Netflix that’s been in my queue for well over a year. The 1984 Swords and Sorcery fantasy martial arts adventure, ‘The Devil’s Sword’ from director Ratno Timoer. I really didn’t have any expectations, in fact I was fully prepared to turn this one off after 10 minutes, however that was most definitely not the case. Nope! Instead The Devil’s Sword immediately won me over with some impressive joyfully bad choreographed magical martial arts battles taking place in a truly stunning exotic jungle location. If you’re a fan of cheezy fantasy movies from the 1980’s then this one’s gonna be right up your damn alley. It’s also alerted me to the Indonesian action star Barry Prima, maybe I’m late to the Prima party, but a quick look on Letterboxd at his filmography revealed what appears to be an overload of action, fantasy, horror hybrid gems just waiting to be leaped into.
This one has pretty much got it all, wildly stupid martial arts, sword battles, magic, monsters, babes & hunks galore! All of it 100% ridiculous, macho man Barry Prima stars as “Mandola”, basically “Rambo the barbarian” looking remarkably similar to Sly Stallone (with a smooth fully stupid dub track that seems like it might even enhance viewing pleasures). He’s also got a radical bad ass female co star, who right out of the gates lays a smackdown on a gang o’ goons & who aids the mighty Mandola in his epic quest to destroy a wicked witch, the sultry and seductive Crocodile queen! She’s indeed quite a woman and has tons of male sex servants one of them the kidnapped husband of Mandola’s female ally! She’s also got a gang of some of the worst, most idiotic looking, crocodile/human minions that really just have to be seen to be believed. Some of these fights too go on for way, way too long but in that sort of “They Live” sorta way. I mean check this out if you think I’m full of shit!
Mandola ends up on this epic quest when some of The Crocodile Queen’s assassins injure his master’s legs and he himself is forced to saw them off! The Devil’s Sword definitely doesn’t skimp on some wild gore either, limbs and heads are chopped off, accompanied by sprays of blood. There’s also a dab of indiana Jones thrown in as Mandola explores caverns filled with hordes of bats and one supremely stupid looking giant cyclops! I guess they were lucky that Indonesia is such a beautiful place, because some of the locales add a solid a layer of legitimacy to the whole experience, suddenly I’m eyeing Indonesia as a future dream vacation.
The Devil’s Sword has really energized an interest in not only the country but also in some of the wild cinema it had to offer back in the 70’s & 80’s as well as a strong curiosity in it’s main man, Barry Prima! Check this flick out, it’s the perfect watch with a case of beer and some friends to enjoy all the unintentional wackiness strewn about the screen. There’s a dvd out there that Mondo Macabro put out years ago I think you can still snatch, or hey if you’re like me just put it on the dvd by mail list from Netflix!
Forgotten 80’s Cyborg Mayhem: Step Aside Robocop Here Comes MARIA!
So way back in 1988 Hong Kong had their own awesome version of Robocop, an ass kickin’ lady cyborg named Maria! Yes, the action/sci-fi flick ‘I Love Maria’ aka ‘Roboforce’ is easily one of the best 80’s movies I’ve seen coming from that region of the world since I started going down the rabbit hole of odd ball Hong Kong cinema a while ago. I must admit, a lot of Hong Kong films during that era are usually pretty hit or miss, many with confusing, nonsensical plots & often weird slapstick potty humor that likely loses something in the often rudimentary english translation provided. However ‘I Love Maria’ definitely hits the right beats on the humor, action & plot to make it stand out as not merely a foreign remake of Robocop but a uniquely charming little sci-fi adventure all of it’s own. The plot’s indeed pretty outrageous, but to a large degree that’s what makes it a so much damn fun. It’s also filled with some memorable characters that at the end of the day, leave you with some warm fuzzy feelings about friendship & the importance of true camaraderie. So what’s it all about you ask?
So the vicious “Hero Gang”, is a downright nasty criminal terrorist organization (I know odd name for the gang then huh?), hell bent on wreaking all out havoc upon the streets of Hong Kong with their unstoppable killer robots: Pioneers 1 and 2! While Pioneer 1’s a giant hulking armored unit, Pioneer 2’s been modeled after “Maria“, the Hero Gang’s devious second in command. When Pioneer 2 gets damaged during a secret assassination mission, it’s taken into the custody of a curious hi-tech weapons inventor employed by the police force named “Curly”. He secretly repairs & reprograms her with new coding that triggers changes to her logic center. Pioneer 2 begins to develop her own unique heroic personality and soon Curly finds himself caught in the middle of a deadly battle against The Hero Gang. Banding together with a drunken ex-gang member named “Whisky” & “T.Q.”, a bumbling news camera man, the four of them embark on a dangerous mission with the fate of Hong Kong in the palm of their hands!
‘I Love Maria’ is a must see for fans of odd 80’s sci fi, the three main human characters have some great chemistry together, one of which is cult director Tsui Hark (Detective Dee, Double Team, Once Upon a Time In China), who hams it up thoroughly as the heroic alcoholic ‘Whisky’. The special effects work is pretty stunning as well, especially when it comes to Maria battling the ‘Pioneer 1’ robot. They bash though walls, fire rocket launchers for their arms and fling eachother around like rag dolls on the streets of Hong Kong. They never skimp on spectacle here either as there’s a plethora of explosions, Hi-tech weaponry, martial arts battles, car chases & of course awesome robot beat downs to behold here. There’s also a pretty interesting duo of villains, the brother & sister leaders of The Hero Gang who also happen to be in love. Throw in “Mr. Vampire” himself, Lam Ching Ying in the mix to showcase his always amazing kung fu and you’ve got yourself a frenetic sci-fi action flick here that never lets up.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q4U3bxX3-Zg&t=42s
That all being said the real star of the show is clearly the charismatic cyborg Maria, who not only lights up the screen with her robotic butt kicking but also with her curious charm. A largely forgotten rad 1980s female action hero that more people need to discover. Hunt this one down, especially if you dig over the top, 80’s, sci-fi action stuff that really fires on all cylinders: unique characters, stunning practical fx, sets, locations and just pure cybernetic mayhem a’ plenty . Stick around all the way through the end credits as well, where you’ll some of the sweetest scenes of the movie. Someone needs to jump on releasing and cleaning up some of the amazing Hong Kong horror/sci-fi stuff out there from the 80’s & 90’s, there’s so many forgotten, rarely seen gems for fans of cult cinema in the USA. Until then this one’s actually pretty hard to find, but definitely worth the effort!
VHS Verdict: ‘Wizard’s Curse’ 1992’s Bizarre Raunchy Kung Fu Horror Flick!!
I’ve been checking out a lot of 1980’s and 90’s foreign horror movies lately and the ones from Hong Kong are most definitely the most outrageous of them all. 1992’s ‘Wizard’s Curse’ is certainly proof of that, a mix of raunchy sex comedy, horror, fantasy and action all rolled into one big weird ball.
A pair of “on the run” criminal lovers rumored to be practitioners of dark magic are hunted down by local police lead by a taoist demon hunter. Using his own unique supernatural abilities he aids the cops, managing to personally slay them both in a pretty fantastic opening sequence. Soon after, a local crazy cult leader with a super creepy sewer dungeon lair resurrects their spirits into a one shared physical body, granting them superhuman powers, a wild sex drive & leaving them thirsting for human brains-he’s created the ultimate monster-the “TERRIFIC VAMPIRE”. They set out on a mission, to track down Lam “the demon hunter” for revenge and seeking to eat the brains of a virgin born at the “spiritual hour” to gain ultimate terrific powers of everlasting evil. This sets into motion a chase as Uncle Lam (the demon hunter) battles them to protect his daughter and the life of a tuff guy wise ass virgin cop who becomes fully entangled in the case and is having a personal dilemma with his recently injured cock.
Yeah it’s a weird one. It features Ching-Ying Lam better known for his role in the iconic ‘Mr. Vampire’ movies of the 1980’s as the even tempered ass kickin’ magic dad. The bad guy & girl uniquely share one body, change sexes at random & wear a totally bad ass 80’s leather clad outfit that’d make ‘The Terminator’ SUPER jealous.
They rip though Hong Kong eating brains and murdering people with a huge glowing throbbing’ cock, that’s used most of the time like a super powered snake like battering ram. There’s some really great 80’s style fx work going here, martial arts, out of place sex jokes, genuinely creepy moments and some frenetic action sequences keep ‘Wizard’s Curse’ moving at a brisk, ridiculous, bloody, action packed pace.
Together (literally) they make a unique villain as the “Terrific Vampire” and the camera tricks utilized to make them inhabit the same monstrous body are a LOT of fun as well.
Ching-Ying Lam never disappoints with his on screen kung fu skills either, he’s one of the BEST and there’s some incredibly spastic supernatural battles to behold filled with cool acrobatics and glowing magic tricks o’ plenty to behold. However, the movie is also entirely unsure of what it wants to be as it’s littered with sex & dick jokes when you least expect it-it’s wildly unpredictable and that’s what makes it a totally great party jam.
A lot of these Hong Kong horror movies of that era go lots of different directions and while it certainly makes things interesting, it might’ve really benefitted by keeping the raunchy comedy to a bare minimum-to me though that’s sort of a big why it somehow succeeds. Watching the movie with it’s rudimentary english subtitles is part of the real fun too-Wizard’s Curse is FILLED to the brim with the most insane head scratchers-someone pleeez do a serious English dub entirely based on the subtitles provided! It’d be a real cult classic imo…
At the end of the day, I really highly recommend ‘Wizard’s Curse’, if even just for it’s sheer absurdity alone-it really goes the distance. Though released in 1992 it feels one hundred percent 80’s fueled. Lots of neon, cool clothing, real stunts and a ton of great stupid 80’s FX work make it a unique little forgotten flick that rises above the rest. It’s filled with plenty of raunchy gags revolving around stupid sexual exploits, yet somehow never ends up being overly offensive, in fact there’s a lot of heart and charm at it’s raunchy core. I liked the role of the “virgin” too being **SPOILER: the wise crackin’ hot shot cop instead of Lam’s daughter, who regularly spends her time dodging super creepy sex ploys from mega douchey sadistic men-you’ve just GOT to see the loser she narrowly dodges-the ultimate Hong Kong perv-out. Oh yeah & the finale is a total treat too as Lam is forced to team up with his hilarious ex-wife who’s also a bad ass magic practitioner as well. And of course the movie’s “final moment gag” hinges on an over the top bizarro sex joke freeze frame. If you’re looking for an utterly charming, mind melter, hybrid horror, sex comedy, rom-com action flick most DEF check this one out, it’s got a lot of weird ass shit going for it. If that’s your cup of tea, like is mine-I can attest ‘Wizard’s Curse’ will certainly not disappoint! Hey Vinegar Syndrome-snag this oddity up and give it the American cult following it truly deserves…..
Movie Review: Indie Creature Feature ‘Book of Monsters’!
Here’s a pretty neat little modern throwback horror movie I took a chance on recently that turned out be quite a bit of fun. ‘Book of Monsters‘ is a low budget British creature feature that clearly makes it’s best attempt to harken back to the gory glory days of 80’s horror flicks like ‘Evil Dead 2’ & ‘Night of the Creeps’. It takes place on the main character, Sophie’s 18th birthday, when she reluctantly decides to throw a birthday party at her house. Her and her two friends are hardly the cool kids in school and aren’t even sure anyone will actually show up. To their surprise the birthday bash attracts a whole crew of unruly teens and even a few of the school bullies. Well it doesn’t take long before some weird supernatural shit goes down due to meddling with a necronomicon type of book. A full on bloodbath occurs when some creatures emerge from another dimension, invade her house and begin to slaughter the rowdy party guests. Sophie and her pals must band together to fend off the attack and protect their classmates from monster carnage.
It’s a simple story to follow and with a short run time of 84 minutes it’s a perfect party movie (literally) to watch on a Saturday nite with a gang of old school horror fans. One of it’s strongest parts is the protagonist Sophie, who’s a totally likable heroine who struggles with self esteem, teenage sexuality and the strange events of her past which tie into the supernatural events that occur. She’s also one of the only gay horror hero’s I can really recall seeing and they present this aspect of her character in a way that doesn’t feel fully forced into the narrative. Sure we got some bigoted bullies and typical teen jerks but those were always prevalent in the 80’s teen horror movies that likely inspired this one.
Now onto the horror aspect of things, though I liked the movie, I’ve got to admit I’m a bit tired of the ‘evil book/necronomicon’ angle of things, it feels pretty played out and I kind of wish they’d have used a different reasoning for the summoning of the monsters. Hardly a complaint really as once things get going here it’s pretty fun & action packed. The monster & gore effects are pretty ambitious for the most part. For the budget they had to work with they deliver a fair share of cool practical fx work avoiding for the most part cgi entirely (if my memory serves me correctly). The monster designs are pretty good too, one looks a bit like it was ripped out of M. Knight Shyamalan’s the village, one’s like a standard slasher dude and the other is kind of like a “Natasha Henstridge” Species/cenobite type-o creature. They all do a decent amount of gory, goopy damage too & it’s all executed in a fairly cartoonish way so it could easily be digested by the light weight horror fans. Oh yeah some evil garden gnomes are thrown in as well, that with a little more budget could have been far more crowd pleasing- but still an “A” for effort. There’s lots of chainsaws and general ass kicking done by the three female leads and even though most Hollywood blockbusters are trying to currently shoehorn girl power into movies ‘Book of Monsters’ does it in a tasteful way that doesn’t feel like it’s blatantly pushing some agenda for brownie points.
If ‘Book of Monsters‘ had been released in 1987 it’d have been a bonafide cult classic, it’s a nice switch from all the shoddy CGI & digital blood of modern horror movies. It leaves the door open for a sequel and I think if it gets one with more cash behind it, there’s a possibility the second installment could very well end up as a modern day cult classic. For the meantime though I think the best crowd for ‘Book of Monsters’ are those who miss the glory days of 1980’s schlock, goofy gore & teen horror flicks!
Universal Dork 