Category: Horror Whore

THE PRIMEVILS: Charles Band REVIVES the Lost 90’s Stop-Motion Creature Feature!

I’ve been thinking lately about the way movies used to be made, full of cool special fx that weren’t an obscene bloated smorgasbord of shiny mind numbing digital fluff. I miss me some hands on practical work like stop motion animation and God dammit I think Charles Band (Full Moon/Empire) is reviving that genre of movie making with the upcoming release of THE PRIMEVILS!! Check out the magic on screen here in this latest trailer:

Newly revived from a project that’s apparently had its roots in the late 1970s but officially beginning production back in 1994, it was sadly left incomplete after director and fx wizard David Allen became ill and passed away in 1999. 

Allen was a connoisseur and master of stop motion and practical effects, working on many projects in the Charles Band Full Moon/Empire Films universe. Apparently serious work was picked back up in 2018 by one of Allen’s protégés Chris Endicott and the movie has now been completed, finishing the storyline and adding new effects to complete the original footage to make a cohesive film that honors the vision of Allen’s original idea. The stop-motion fx work here is beautiful and this whole project looks to really be something truly special at least so far visually.

I wasn’t sure what to make of this trailer (except that it looked fucking rad) when I saw it for the first time a few days ago. I actually wondered if maybe someone had really brought back to this modern world of bloated digital effects a totally brand new movie packed with new old school stop-motion animation.  I guess that essentially what its is, but even better yet we get a glimpse back to a lost 90s movie and something that looks like a breath of fresh air in 2024. I had to mention this incredible looking movie here and I just can’t wait to see it on the big screen hopefully sometime in 2024. Fingers crossed this one is as fun and fresh as the trailer makes it look! Here’s another cool clip:

1993’s Kamen Rider Zo: Kicks MAJOR Monster Butt!!

If you’re like me and are totally obsessed with monsters then I’ve  got a great recommendation for you! 1993’s ‘KAMEN RIDER ZO’  Is a short & sweet, bizarre little super hero adventure that packs a monstrous punch to the gut. Clocking in at around 50 minutes, it wastes no time getting to the action and wild special effects sequences that are jam-packed into this little nasty nugget.

I must admit, I’m a bit of a newbie to this character and the fairly extensive lore behind him. Kamen Rider (aka Masked Rider) was established in the early 1970s and has several different iterations through the years. One thing is certain the character is an iconic Japanese superhero and his costume is obviously top notch-This 1993 film too is the perfect intro to the character and so up my alley with all of the crazy monster villains. A bit for me like ‘Guyver 2’ if it had all the clunky exposition trimmed.

That all being said, I’d heard that this was a great place to start and maybe one of the most inventive visually, as well as over the top, action-packed and violent than any of the other installments. Naturally I was thrilled to find out that the director Keita Amemiya is the same person who did one of my all time favorite Japanese action monster movies: ‘Zeiram’ from 1991 and another fave being 1988’s Cyber Ninja.

Also the effects artist being responsible for the totally bonkers fx of another absolute Hong Kong favorite gem of mine ‘The Peacock King’. With this fast paced little adventure you’re going to get all the frenetic action sequences and all of the cool practical fx mayhem jammed packed into “Terminator” style chase film. A group of creatures are hunting down a little boy and it’s up to Kamen Rider to stop them.

That’s all you really need to know, as the version I watched had pretty subpar subtitles & was a bit difficult to follow plot wise to say the least-but who cares! The flick, which was originally planned as a feature film was massively cut down from it’s original vision. That being said it’s almost ALL eye candy and for me it made the perfect warm up for my movie nite where the main even was the glorious 1995 film ‘Godzilla vs. Destroyah’. More on that first watch for me later.

It features some impressive monsters for tour badass grasshopper themed hero to pummel on, one being a sort of “predator” style creature as well as a totally bonkers spider/human hybrid freak with some dazzling stop-motion & also a grotesque bat-man who takes flight to cause everyone major headaches. It’s drenched in style and oozing with great atmosphere as well as a genuine cyberpunk style with dashes of straight up horror.

The fight scenes are quite cleverly choreographed too and the action sequences filled with fine detail are a marvel to behold. The sets and locations aren’t skimped on either, it’s all so colorful to soak in & the kind of film that when it ends you might feel a bit cheated (in a good way mind you) by its swift runtime and craving more monstrous mayhem in its wake.

Bear in mind too, ‘Kamen Rider: Zo’ is not really a kids film either-though there’s not a ton of “human blood” there’s a good amount of goopy monster carnage to relish in. Oh yeah and Kamen Rider cruises around on a rad motorcycle too, usually before he’s ready to beat on some creeps and the main character who plays the masked rider’s alter ego is quite the well dressed hunk!

I give high praises to this largely forgotten little film that probably should have a proper release here in the USA, I got a sweet dvd copy from Taiwan on eBay but you can also check it out on Youtube:

 

Movie Review: J.R. Bookwalter Returns with Gooey Horror Social Satire ‘SIDE EFFECTS MAY VARY’!

Lately I’ve been checking out a bunch of J.R. Bookwalter’s movies that I somehow missed out on over the years, films like ‘Ozone‘ and ‘Robot Ninja” (which I can’t wait to review) as well as recently hooking myself up for a rewatch with the blue ray of his bonafide cult jam- ‘The Dead Next Door‘!  But most interesting is that he’s just released a brand new film after a 20 plus year hiatus. His latest ‘Side Effects May Vary‘ is currently on tour. Yes the director himself has gone on the road to exclusively show this bizarre new film in select indie theaters only, well before it streams anywhere or has any other physical release other than an exclusive VHS (I need one of these!).

However I was able to check this nasty little nugget out early and soak up all the gory goo drenched shenanigans that ensue in this weird little adventure. Basically what we’ve got here going on is a fairly simple story, flashback a couple of years to the height of the latest pandemic when everyone was getting the covid vaccine like it’s a god damn McDonald’s hamburger! We have our main character a mild-mannered middle-aged man named GLENN ROLLINS (um yeah I love that obviously) who just doesn’t wanna get the jab despite pressure from his wife as well as currently being sick as a dog at home. Meanwhile we get a glimpse into what’s going on with the newest safest, state of the art Covid-19 vaccine that’s getting ready to hit the market. It’s set to safely treat the entire population of the planet. So deep inside a secret pharmaceutical research center that’s tucked away in the countryside, we witness a test subject get injected with an unknown substance that immediately causes some, shall we say, interesting reactions to say the least. It seems this new vax does indeed have some intriguing side effects and our main dude Glenn finally gives in to the mounting pressure. Essentially to satisfy his wife by “doing the right thing”, he reluctantly agrees to the latest, safest and MOST utterly effective, state of the art, yet totally experimental covid vaccine at a doctors appointment. This thing is supposedly gonna save the world from the sickness- so what’s the goddamn fuss about already – right?


Initially the thing makes him feel like a million bucks, but soon his normal boring life begins to drastically change – first off his wife immediately finds him more attractive (woohoo!) and feels the urge to get frisky with her hubby. There’s surprisingly plenty of gratuitous nudity here in Bookwalter’s latest (remember what that was back in the 1980s?!) to behold and that’s the first sign that I was seeing something that felt ripped from the “golden era of horror” but also cleverly grounded in modern times. Yeah, let’s be honest here you just don’t really see good nudity like this anymore in current films. There I said it! It was kind of a breath of fresh air as an avid 80s horror fanatic, especially seeing Brinke Stevens playing the nosey neighbor next door watching some genuinely shocking events go down eagerly with her binoculars. Yeah the scream queen who’d spent plenty of time in her “birthday suit” was now on the opposite end of the spectrum in a completely charming little role in this film.

Including her here was a treat  – 1988’s ‘Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama’ is a fave of mine & that reminds me I NEED to see the sequel! Ok though, from this point on things do get pretty perverse, but in that old school low budget, practical effects heavy way that I’ve really missed so damn much over the years. It’s really all quite charming. Not just all the fx work on display-but the general vibe of it. This one might even make a good double feature with something like ‘Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama’. It has that same sort of playfulness and disgusting charm.

Ok, well sadly for Glenn, he does develop a few “side effects” that sort of put the kibosh on his passionate sexy time session, at least for the moment. Confused and most likely humiliated by his sexual performance or lack there of, he races out into the city while his side effects do indeed “vary” in to the next level. This leaves him to encounter a zany cast of colorful characters along the way. He’s also develops a new hobby: SPOILERS: killing people! It’s quite obvious this safe and effective vaccine might’ve caused him a few more problems than the initial covid infection-but hey at least he’s not worried about relapsing with latest current strain I suppose?

Luckily the cops are on the case. One of his pals Jack, a former police officer, teams up with his old boss from the force. They quickly go on the move to find this heavily vaccinated freak of nature as he ventures deep into the night. So yeah, there’s lots to enjoy here not only as a horror film but also equally a social satire that puts a lot of our human behavior during the covid-19 pandemic under the lens of the microscope. The societal pressures to conform, big pharma propaganda, public paranoia, conspiracy theories & general trust in our Gov’t institutions are all addressed. But not in any sort of weird polarizing way. Instead Bookwalter lets the audience forget about the real world stresses of it all & just shows the whole damn thing play out in an entirely entertaining, absurd fashion. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still a courageous effort of dark satirical commentary but it’s also really just a wild little old school splatter flick at heart. The kind of movie Romero might’ve even crafted if he’d still been alive today.

It also pleasantly breaks the usual tropes in sweet yet subtle manner, one of my favorites being the ex-cop character Jack and his boss Chief Tom Danvers. Their rather unique past on the force together, erupting with emotions tied to an intense night off the job at a holiday party is an interesting character study.  I love the way their interactions were handled in response to this unforgettable event at least for one of them. That being said as much as I enjoyed the film-the way it was shot looked maybe a little too crisp. Bare in mind I just recently watched Ozone & Robot Ninja, two bonafide 80’s & 90’s horror classics IMO. So coming into this one the look of it all was a bit shocking coming directly off his older work.

I love the grimy look of ‘shot on video’ stuff and the beauty of shooting a movie like ‘Robot Ninja’ on film. I know, it’s 2024, so to actually shoot on film is expensive and probably pretty annoying BUT Bookwalter fans I know personally really do crave the look of his earlier work. A small criticism, but if ‘Side Effects May Vary’ had been shot in a similar manner I think it’ve been that much more impactful to longtime fans of his productions.

At the end of the day though it’s most definitely a gory little horror character study for the modern times that really pushes the envelope, takes risks and dresses it all up in a bloody, slimy mess of old school oozing practical FX very reminiscent of Bookwalter’s cult classics. An absurd cautionary tale for the polarized pandemic era that we’re hopefully on the other side of-if you dig his earlier flicks check this out with a live audience – likely coming to the big screen in a city near YOU!


 

 

The MOVIE MELT Podcast Heads to 80s Hong Kong for the Ultimate Vengeance of ‘PROFILE IN ANGER’!

Check out the latest episode of MOVIE MELT where we travel again to Hong Kong this time in 1984 as we cover the over the top action revenge film PROFILE IN ANGER. This nasty little film packs a powerhouse punch & most definitely deserves a larger cult following and a whole lotta love from action movie fanatics who might have let this one slip under the radar. Hong Kong took action to the next level in ways that would make Sly & Arnold shiver inter boots! Things go completely off the rails in it’s explosive final act as we follow this twisting tale of bloody revenge in the way that only Hong Kong can deliver!

Being a huge fan of Hong Kong cult cinema, I think PROFILE IN ANGER is definitely a hidden gem that’s largely forgotten even by connoisseurs of the genre so here you’ll get the full scoop on all the juicy details that went into making this weird little flick. The episode’s also filled with more useless cinematic mayhem than your brain can humanly comprehend as well as another installment of “battle of the bands”! We also talk about some of the coolest damn movies that we think you might be missing out on again in the latest installment of  Movie Melt!

VHS VERDICT: 1989’s ‘KILLER’ is one HELL of a Wild Low Budget Thrill ride!!

I love it when I see a movie from the 80s that somehow fell through the cracks for me, especially one that delivers the gory goods as hard as 1989’s ‘KILLER!‘ from Tony Elwood!  I got a chance to check out the Electro Video/Lunchmeat VHS facilitated and boy was it a wild damn ride. Essentially more of a thriller than a “slasher” with a very slight “supernatural” edge, ‘Killer!’ is leaps and bounds better than so many similar genre movies with 50 times the budget. That’s what makes this film so damn charming and deserving of a much broader audience with fans of horror cult cinema. ‘Killer’ certainly doesn’t reinvent the wheel but everything it does, it does so well while retaining that 1980s nostalgia of regional films like J.R. Bookwalter’s ‘The Dead Next Door’ or Leif Jonker’s ‘Darkness: The Vampire Version’.

We get the simple story of a killer (Duke Ernsberger) on the loose in a small rural North Carolina community who’s completely deranged and determined to mutilate anyone who stands in his way of his vicious killing spree. Most of the success of it and how it plays out weighs heavily on the shoulders of the villain played quite convincingly by Ernsberger. He brings an intense, disturbing, believable ferocity to the screen that you normally don’t see in films with a budget this minuscule ($8,000). This guy slashes, shoots, rips and beats people down in grim and intense ways and gives no fucks doing so. The practical effects on display here are wickedly bloody & actually pretty believable which really adds to the movie’s punch as it moves at a brisk tense pace and by the third act erupts into total high stakes mayhem.

Somehow this weird little indie film reaches rises to genuinely terrifying levels of horror in its third act when “SPOILERS”: the killer reveals himself as not only a cannibal but delivers one of the most terrifying monologs I’ve maybe ever heard from a horror movie antagonist. The scene is more disturbing than any of the gory deaths that precede it, with only dialogue. It’s incredible how well cleverly constructed writing like this can massively change the vibe of a horror film, transforming into an entirely different beast altogether. The killer plays ‘Russian roulette’ in front of his (soon to be dinner) victim he’s held captive, revealing that no matter how many times he pulls the trigger it will NEVER fire the bullet into his skull. But you might expect this to be some crazy parlor trick, he uses the same gun to suddenly deliver a stunning shot at his captives hopeful rescuers who’re making an attempt to foil his horrific plans.

In the film’s finale it’s anyones guess who’s gonna live or die. As terrifying as this man is, it’s amusing actually how susceptible to pain he is as he wines and squeal while taking a damn beating. Not quite the Michael Meyers type, which is refreshing but leaves the viewer pondering if he’s indeed being guided by evil supernatural forces or merely a delusional defeatable human on a lucky rampage. I give high praises to KILLER and was pretty blown away with it’s effective horror, mystery and action on display. It’s gotten a blu ray release from Terror Vision-so if this sounds like fun to you check it OUT!

 

Move Review: Mutants Do “Killer” Drugs in 1993’s SOV Action Splatter Jam – ‘OZONE’!

If you’ve ever seen 1989’s Sam Raimi produced cult zombie indie gem ‘The Dead Next Door’ then you can bet J.R. Bookwalter’s 1993 mutant mash up OZONE is bound to quench your low budget horror thirst!

I’m not really that “late to the party” having seen ‘The Dead Next Door‘ for the first time ala my Netflix DVD red mail envelope subscription many years ago. However I’m a newbie when it comes to anything else he did after that-and I’m pretty excited about it. Ozone is his 4th film that I got rently on dvd along with his 1989 film ROBOT NINJA that I’m super psyched to check out especially now. Ozone is a shot on video horror/action hybrid that’s full of impressive gore and wild drug fueled mutants!

This ambitious low budget mash up set in (Akron, Ohio) features a cop named Eddie Boone who loses his partner in a raid on a mysterious drug den. However these pesky addicts are on an intense mind & body altering drug called ‘ozone’ and they’re ready to kill anyone who steps into their dirty lair. Unfortunately our trusty protagonist here while infiltrating this place is stabbed with a full syringe of this repulsive substance by one of the mutants.

It turns his life into a living nightmare, not only mourning for the loss of his good friend but also the constant paranoia that this drug that’s now a pumping’ through his body will turn him into some sort of monster maniac.

It leads Eddie down to path into the ultra seedy urban underworld with a grim discovery unlike anything he could ever imagine. It also leads him into several ridiculous situations that are a pure joy to watch unfold on the screen. One of which involves him going into a bizarre dive bar for a couple drinks to cool down, where nearly every patron of the joint appears completely either in some sort of trance or just simply ridiculously bored beyond belief. I’m still not sure what the fuck is up with these duds. Never underestimate a gang of bored ass bar dwellers I guess (?), as they soon all gang up & attack, dragging him down into the basement and make him participate in a weird sort of “gladiator” showdown! That shit came out of NOWHERE.

Those are the type of “plot lines” that find their way into Eddies path here and that’s what makes this movie so much damn fun. It’s a great mix of horror, practical gore and action full of a big dose of gunfighting. It’s quite an ambitious film for a SOV venture and feels like it’s budget is MUCH more than I’d ever imagine. Director J R. Bookwalter definitely knows how to make a LOT with just a little. The effects on display are pretty awesome too and not for the faint of heart as you get bulging sloppy bursting boils, hacked off limbs, disgusting body morphing- but that’s not all the mutant monster drug lord is a glorious surprise as well, who almost appears as some sort of “Jabba the Hut” type puppet creature.

Another thing worth noting here: the acting is actually pretty decent and the main character Eddie Boone played by James Black delivers a pretty heavy dose of charisma a chair is rolled, a tough feat to sometimes pull off in shot on video films like this. So If you’re a big fan of schlocky low budget off the wall cinema, then ‘Ozone’ is a real treat and it’s clear that J.R. Bookwalter is a regional gem that needs to be appreciated and discovered by so many more fans of SOV cult cinema! Get jacked up on some Ozone I say!

‘THERE’S SOMETHING IN THE BARN’ Brings Norwegian Elves to the Xmas Party This Year!

Oh how I love those little guys from Norway-the trolls, the gnomes and in this case the ELVES! I was pretty excited for that reason alone to check out this new holiday horror comedy released this season. I’ll be the first to admit since the success of  2015’s excellent Christmas horror film ‘Krampus’ there’s been a heavy influx of pretty shitty films trying to cash in on the “holiday horror” buzz. A Christmas horror film just isn’t quite a special as it once used to be sadly. However every year I give em’ all a try anyway and ‘There’s Something in the Barn’ seemed somewhat promising. It’s setting alone had me intrigued as it’s actually filmed in Norway and as I said earlier features barn elves-though honestly I’d say they’re actually “Gnomes”.

However it did feel a bit familiar once I started the movie as last year there was a Danish Netflix holiday horror series called ‘Elves’ that I really quite enjoyed, that most definitely is worth watch but had a real similar, yet more tonally serious premise. ‘There’s Something in the Barn’ is really first and foremost a comedy and secondly a horror fantasy. 

I was drawn even more to checkin’ it out when I’d heard it also featured Martin Starr, everyones favorite nerd (Feaks & Geeks, Dead Snow 2) in the lead. I love that guy and the “fish out of water” setting for him and his family inheriting an amazing property with a big rustic lot and a creepy barn in a faraway land was all a big plus. So did it quench that holiday horror thirst? Well it’s definitely NO “Krampus”, but it’s quite a bit more fun than the average Christmas horror they’ve been pumping out the last almost 9 years.

The comedy here is pretty standard family stuff, it’s not a gut busting affair but really today is anything really that funny anymore? It plays the comedy pretty safe and straight as I think it could’ve benefitted far more with sharper script writing and probably the story in general to be honest. It’s a sort of mash-up of E.T. meets Gremlins, heavy on the holiday vibes, slight family drama and a finale that’s finally beefs up the horror.

There is indeed “something in the barn”, a cute lil’ Norwegian elf, that not unlike the Gremlins has some “rules” that need to be adhered to keep it happy. Of course this family of ninnies are as about as clueless as they come of course. There’s a young boy who befriends the gnome with some cookies and that’s about as deep as their “strong” friendship bond gets-I think they needed to explore their connection to really flesh out the story for it’s rather exciting finale. The characters in general are pretty paper thin sadly and really could’ve been developed in a way that’d made us care a bit more if they were victims of severely pissed off ravenous little barn elves.

So don’t go in expecting this to go too deep as it still tries to tug at the viewers hearts with not enough heart at it’s core. But enough about that, because we’re really all here for the elves right?! I’m happy to report that indeed the elves are pretty great, using real little people, great make up fx and some convincing Norwegian style to their look. Once the “friendship” ends between the family and the elf, things get pretty exhilarating for an action packed bloody battle with even some “political commentary” thrown in somehow.

There’s snowmobiles, explosions, caves, secret rooms, heavy drinkin’ and lots of cool lookin’ little maniacs who’re hellbent on fucking things up for the American family, who thinks that they can do whatever the hell they want on foreign soil. There are a couple scenes of excessively bad green screening going on here that sort of took me out of what was a pretty sweet final battle-making me wonder why they’d resort to a chintzy looking fx sequence rather than doing something more organic? Overall though this flick is definitely worth a watch this year, it’s pretty fun as long you’re not expecting the next “staple” holiday horror film and it’s got enough going on that it never drags. The setting of Norway during Christmas time is worth the price of admission alone-I’d say you could do MUCH worse this year than ‘There’s Something in the Barn’, do a double feature and watch this first with ‘Krampus’, ‘Gremlins’, ‘Violent Night’, Deadly Games’ or Rare Exports as the headliner!

 

‘DIE HARD’ This Christmas?! I Say Watch ‘TURBULENCE’ From 1997 Instead!!

What to watch this Christmas season?! People seem to always talk about DIE HARD as being the “go to” holiday action thriller to watch during the holidays but this year I checked out a movie that’s WAY more Christmas vibes than the Bruce Willis jam-1997’s TURBULENCE has eluded me for WAY too long. I’m not quite sure why  I waited so long to see this one I guess I thought it was some stupid action movie but it’s so much more. I have seen turbulence 3 heavy metal and that was a ton of stupid fun so I guess I sort of figured that the first movie must have something interesting to offer at least? Recently I read a synopsis of the first turbulence and found out that it took place on Christmas. Of course I was immediately intrigued and had to dig deeper. So a couple nights ago I decided to go there finally & am quite pleased to say that this one delivers the shit on pretty much every damn level. Something I really wasn’t expecting was a new holiday classic. But hey, that’s exactly what I think Turbulence is for this holiday!

 First off let me say that the film’s main plot was nothing like what I’d expected it to be for all of these years- Comparing ‘Turbulence’ simply to being “Die Hard on a 757” would simply be an injustice. Turbulence is just as much an action movie as it is a slasher film as it is a Christmas film! Checks all three boxes and we’ve got a winner here.  The first thing I was pleased to notice is just how prominently the Christmas holiday is displayed front and center in it, yeah it bleeds holiday charm from nearly every shot in the most rewarding ways.

So if you’re a holiday fanatic looking for a reason to throw this movie on you just simply have very excuse to do rightly do so. There are Christmas trees everywhere, holiday decorations hanging from every house and then even the plane that it takes place on is SO draped in holiday decor it’s almost at times too much (if that’s even possible?!). There’s Christmas music playing, there’s ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ being shown on the plane as its featured movie- this film’s about as holiday themed as they come. It’s the story of a man who seemingly framed by the police being tied to a string of serial killings on Christmas Eve.

Ray Liotta, stars as the man taken captive by the cops and quickly transported on a nearly empty 757 jumbo jet airliner during the holidays-What could go wrong right? Even adding more to it’s charm, it also stars the love interest from ‘Dumb and Dumber’ Lauren Holly and Andy Barclay’s mother from ‘Childs Play’ Catherine hicks as flight attendants on this wild ride in the sky filled with you guessed… it some dangerous turbulence and serial killer!

So even though it REALLY delivered the heavy holiday vibes it also played out out much more like a horror film, (SPOILERS) with Ray Lotta going “full unhinged psycho” in the best way possible. It’s actually got some strong slasher elements, just set on an out of control plane on Christmas Eve.

It’s a really fun concept and there’s some pretty great atmosphere here to soak up, as well as some pretty sweet totally tense action sequences. Liotta really shines here to, hamming it up as the movie’s likely wronged “protagonist” who I thought was destined for onscreen redemption (and maybe some romance?) with a great ridiculous plot twist that suddenly shifted things into the horror thriller genre on the dime.

The huge plane is the perfect place for a square off with a psycho high up in the sky-having plenty of creepy Christmasy corridors to run and hide to during a tense game of cat and mouse. A somewhat super stupid but thrilling little roller coaster ride that’s a perfect holiday party film too. There’s not a dull moment in sight and frankly I’m not surprised this spawned a couple sequels, I’d just never realized how full throttle “Christmas” themed this one actually was and how well it crosses over into the horror aspect of things-even supplying an awesome “final girl” to take on a total maniac on a jumbo jet. I really dug ‘Turbulence’ and it was a pleasure seeing for the first time during the holiday season! This year if you’ve never seen it I’d say it’s a must if you’re looking for a relatively seldom talked about horror thriller that’s got the holiday spirit in FULL effect!!

Comic Cover of the Week: CHRISTMAS With MAN-THING?!

‘Tis the season to be jolly even for the Man-Thing apparently?! Yes! Even the smushy green monster has got the holiday spirit as the festive cover from 1998 clearly shows! I’ve always really liked Man-Thing he’s really a bizarre anti-hero and here he’s decided to don the Santa Claus duds for the cover, Liam Sharp kinda gives him a more sexy furry looks than I normally like but regardless it’s still pretty sweet Holiday themed cover from the late 1990s!

Holiday Horrors: ‘TWO FRONT TEETH’ An Ambitiously Stupid, Low Budget Creepy Y2K Christmas Adventure!

I’m trying to track down some weird cinematic Christmas gold this year by finally checking out some films that I’ve sort of avoided for years. Hearing that they’re a complete waste of precious holiday time or just resorting again to my “go to selections” that I often find myself a bit tired of when I pop on the tube as of late. So took a chance on a film that’s been on my radar for years when I spotted it at Portland, Oregon’s most prized video store, Movie Madness. TWO FRONT TEETH, released 2006 (but looks more like it was shot in the 90s?) is a shot on video (digital?) Christmas themed horror film that looks like a heap of cheap trash, is full of bad acting, lots of jokes that don’t work and yet there’s something about it I kinda love! This one was also made before everyone and their mother were pumping out Christmas themed horror films by the dozens every year. So it still stands out as an interesting  largely hidden holiday oddity.

There’s quite a bit to dislike about the film if you’re gonna be really picky, mainly at how badly shot it is-it’s pretty ugly looking with lots of bad lighting, unimpressive sets and terribly bland locations. For instance, the opening scene take place on Christmas Eve in what looks like a cheap manufactured home that’s at the very least got an abundance of holiday decor on display. That’s what sort of saves this one-pretty much every scene is jam packed FULL of Christmas, so as bland as a lot of the sets do look they really give it their all to put the holiday on display. Sometimes obviously overdoing it-but considering the main characters names are Gabe Snow & Noelle it’s quite clear that was the intention here. Pretty much EVERYTHING is Christmas related, but somehow at it’s core has a somewhat “engaging” story that’s part horror, part comedy, part road adventure and even somewhat of a “romantic” drama. It’s a true oddity with a fair amount of heart & passion at it’s core that’s trying damn hard to push a narrative that’s far more ambitious than its budget actually allows. That’s not say though there’s not a lot to be quite impressed with here though somehow.

The plot is a wild one, It’s Christmas Eve and we meet Gabe Snow, a cowardly tabloid writer who’s emotionally traumatized by the holiday for unknown reasons, is investigating a Yuletide conspiracy for a paper called the X-Mas files. Gabe believes that a commercial airplane was brought down on Christmas Eve by a flying reindeer and is determined to bring the truth to the general public. He’s also in the midst of a nasty divorce as his foul mouthed, quite unlikable wife Noelle is banging one of her coworkers that festive evening at their home. But that’s the least of Gabe’s worries. Wicked vampire elves, descend upon his home and nearly murder his wife. This forces him and his wife to head out onto the open road to escape the threat and to find the only one who can seemingly help them, a “Creighton Duke” style bounty hunter who’s got the scoop on the deadly holiday conspiracy.

So as you can see the plot is quite absurd, but not played only just for cheap laughs-though there are plenty of those thrown around. Some of the comedy works and some of it does come off a bit too ham-fisted, again like the writers here think they’re really comedically clever. That being said the bulk of the film is actually played pretty straight for the most part and I think it works in it’s favor, despite most of the time looking like total shit. But being used to watching stuff that most would classify as total shit, I found that to be barely a problem. There’s some interesting backstories thrown in that pack some emotional weight as well that I give props for making attempts at real character development.

The movie never really slows down, at around 74 minutes it’s pretty lean and some of the fx here especially with the vampire elves look surprisingly pretty damn solid. They’re clad in black leather, have real creepy makeup fx with huge fleshy ears & some of their attack sequences are pretty well done too. Plus the “Creighton Cowboy” character is pretty fun addition as well and they definitely try and produce some solid action with him and his “toy guns”.

That’s not all though there are also three ninja nuns that show up as well as a pretty creepy vampire Santa named “Clausferatu” (an instance where the writers think that’s like super “clever”). The whole thing is pretty idiotic, but still shows an ambitious plot execution that you can feel is filled with passion and despite the odds is a lot of fun.

The kind of movie where you sort of begin to root for the cast and crew to deliver the goods within the confines of the budget. I kept thinking that this film if given to the right director and writer to tweak the somewhat too on the nose, cringey “holiday themed comedy” shit down a bit could have been an instant cult Xmas classic, if this exact same film had been shot on video in the 80’s people would likely today would regard it as a holiday horror genre must see. However given it’s release in 2006(an era not fully appreciated yet by most) it’s likely going to take a few more years before people catch on to just how unique this stupid little yuletide adventure really is. I for one will most definitely be giving this another watch next year! Two Front Teeth was a definite holiday treat I think that is currently aging quite nicely…