Category: bad movies

Pulse Pounders: Lost Sequels To Charles Band’s Classic Horror Flicks!

I know there’s a select group of people who probably actually care about the films of Charles Band, but to me he’s a legendary dude in the scheme of cheezy horror flicks of the 80’s! So I’m thrilled myself, just to find out about this lost movie called “Pulse Pounders” which was filmed way back in 1987 and has never really seen the light of day! This flick is an anthology, consisting of three tales of “terror” one being an adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft’s The Evil Clergyman starring Jeffrey Combs, the next being a sequel to the movie “Trancers” and the last being a sequel to one of my favorite ridiculously awesome movies of the 80’s The Dungeonmaster which stars Richard Moll & W.A.S.P…….yeah the metal band!

Now the first two segments were actually already released, the Lovecraft tale was released on dvd in 2012 (I have not seen it yet) and the Trancers one was released in 2013. However the segment I’m most excited for has yet to see the light of day, perhaps saving the best for last?

Anyway if you have not seen The Dungeonmaster I highly recommend hunting that down and watching it with plenty of booze and a good group of friends. It’s the perfect party flick. Don’t believe me check this out:

So the movie is planned to be released in it’s entirety on the Full Moon Streaming site, as far as I know it hasn’t been featured there yet but this news which may be old news to some of you has got me quite excited! It’s a rare treat when you find out that a movie that’s been shelved for over two decades gets a real release. In this case a movie I never even knew existed. Supposedly the company set to release the movie folded back in the late 80’s. So hopefully this will be worth the wait! 

VHS Verdict: ‘The Unholy’ Brings Those Pesky 80’s Demons to Church!

Here we have a rather rare VHS I ran across recently while doing some major thrift store shopping up in the north woods of Wisconsin! The Unholy is a pretty neat-o piece of 1980’s demon church cheeze! This is the kind of movie I really enjoy stumbling across.

The Unholy was released in 1988 and tells the story of a Father Michael (Ben Cross) who’s appointed to a church in New Orleans where two priests where murdered two years before. The movie’s pretty dang fun over all, giving you a ton weird ass 80’s goth night club types who perform violent looking mock rituals while the priest investigates the scenes in the New Orleans cult underground. If you’re intrigued by the over the top fashion and nightlife of the 1980’s you’ll dig this.

Of course Father Michael’s going to be ‘tempted’ by some rather ‘unholy’ racy, 80’s style, sexy situations by this demonic force running amuck. Yep this powerful sexy demon goes by the name “Desederious” and spends most of the time trying to seduce Father to the side of the Devil. Too bad Father Michael, despite being a priest doesn’t believe in demons or the Devil!

Ok now this is some scary shit.

Well it doesn’t take long before his mind is changed once weird shit begins occurring around the church! This one does drag a bit during the middle with a bit too much jibber jabber going on that quite honestly I could give two shits about. I mean c’mon let’s get on with this shit and have a demon battle already! Well thankfully the third act of this movie is pretty satisfying as a fan of 80’s monster movies this one gets pretty good once Desederious shows her true form and Father Michael loses his sex drive pretty damn quickly!

Yep we get some pretty fun little pesky mini demon minions running around and Desederious looks pretty ridiculously awesome in her true demon form running around on all fours. I mean if I saw that fucking weird ass thing appear in a dark alley I’d most definitely run for the hills while peeing my pants!

‘The Unholy’ has a pretty decent cast, we even see Ned Beatty show up here, we get some fun as hell classic special effects and sweet 80’s fashion. if you can get through about 25 minutes of rather boring dialogue in the middle the third and final act will surely deliver the goods!! Seek this one out if you can and if you’re a true fan of C-movie 80’s horror!

VHS Verdict: The Further Adventures of Tennessee Buck!

I’m always and I mean ALWAYS down for an Indiana Jones rip off movie! There are a few out there that reared their heads back in the 80’s and this week I had the pleasure to find “The Further Adventures of Tennessee Buck” on vhs and give it a watch. This one’s actually pretty damn entertaining, if you can get past some of it’s non PC-ness that would today surely have people in a wildly frantic uproar. Basically what we have here is a kind of Indiana Jones meets Romancing The Stone meets Crocodile Dundee with less of budget and a far more crude trashy style to it. That being said the flick actually visits some pretty awesome locations and it’s sets are top notch as well, which is always nice for a movie trying to rip off Indy!

This one has a little star power too with David Keith (An Officer and a Gentleman) in the lead swashbuckling role also directed this one and Sydney Lassick (One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest). Yeah Tennessee Buck is a crude dude alright, a boozing, womanizing jungle guide who’s hired by a young yuppie couple named (Barbie & Ken) to help them find and hunt a white tiger. The woman just happens to be Kathy Shower, former Playboy playmate of the year, so I knew there was going to be some senseless nudity in this one and boy is there a ton of that here! I also knew that she’d most likely leave her husband for Buck and though I was right the way it played out was like nothing i was expecting! 

But the movie actually took some odd twists and turns that in a way shocked me a bit. Tennessee Buck starts out as a comedy but around it’s third act it gets pretty dark suddenly. Characters endure some things that seem quite out of place with the movies otherwise fun loving, wisecracking vibe. I guess it’s what you expect when they become pursued by a crazed band of headhunters with a horny chieftan as it’s leader.

This one kinda played out a bit like “The Last American Virgin” which started out like Porky’s and ended up a bit of perplexing shocker. Buck here is an odd movie that’s most definitely worth a watch if you’re a fan of the jungle adventure style movies, trashy 80’s schlock & weird out of place plot twists! 

Metal Movie Mayhem: Thor, Black Metal Warriors & Demons from New Zealand!

Some good news for fans of metal music and horror flicks! Yeah the power of real metal isn’t showcased enough these days so this is a sweet bit of info for all you headbangers!  First is the trailer for New Zealand flick “Deathgasm”! This one looks like a throwback to movies like “Rock & Roll Nightmare”, “The Gate” and “Trick Or Treat” from the 1980’s with a bit of Peter Jackson’s Dead Alive thrown in for good measure. By the trailer and a few recent reviews it’s sounds like this one is gonna be full on shock rocker!

Here’s the synopsis:

“After his mother is institutionalized, misfit Brodie is sent to live with his Uncle Albert and Aunt Mary, whose son David torments him. A heavy metal fan, Brodie forms a band called DEATHGASM with his friends Zakk, Dion, and Giles. When bandmates break into a local house, they discover that one of their idols, reclusive musician Rikki Daggers, lives there. Daggers gives the band magical sheet music, which a cult later murders him to find. Skeptical of the sheet music’s power, the band plays it, only to summon a demon. With the help of his crush, Medina, and his bandmates, Brodie must find a way to defeat the demon.”

This one looks gory, creepy, action packed and super cheezy- here’s the trailer:

So I say Deathgasm took a nod from the movie “Rock & Roll Nightmare” I mentioned earlier and if you’ve never seen that movie then you’re by no means a fan of cheezy 80’s heavy metal horror! It’s star, metal musician Jon Mikl “Thor” was quite a guy back in those days and kicked the Devil’s ass in the cult flick. But not without and epic battle!

The final battle between the two is one of the most ridiculous movie battles of all time! Thor has been at it since the mid 1970’s and today is back at it again enthralling die hard metal fanatics with his crazy stage shows. So now I hear there’s a new documentary coming out soon about Thor and it looks totally lovable in every way. We’ll finally get the full scoop on the legend himself!

Check this out:

Still not convinced Thor is the real deal well then take gander at this classic music video from Thor, which many deem the worst music video of all time! I however disagree, it just might be one of the best!!

Oh and here’s the trailer for the epic 80’s classic Rock & Roll Nightmare:

Terminator: Genisys is Just Plain F#@kin’ Stupid A$$ Sh#t!

Oh man, oh man, I had my serious, serious doubts about Terminator: Genisys for quite sometime but some how magically at the last moment, while I watched the previews last night before the movie started, I wiped the slate completely clean and got myself fuckin’ pumped up for a new Terminator flick with Arnold back in the saddle! I mean that’s like a wet dream come true on paper for a nerdy nostalgic dude who grew up on shit like Predator, Commando & Running Man back in the ‘o so sweet 80’s!!!

But even I will be the first to admit that having a near seventy year old Arnold back as the T-800 was worrying the shit out of me. I mean how could they possibly think that would work in 2015?! To me it just seemed ridiculously stupid and nostalgia for nostalgia’s sake. But to be honest Arnold was the ONLY thing about the movie that kept me from dozing off into a deep slumber at the 10 o’clock showing last night! I’m gonna be honest with all you Terminator fans out there this movie is just one huge ass annoying stupid mess that just never needed to be made. Ever.

Hell the last Terminator movie shouldn’t have been made, but somehow we still get this thrown on our lap. I’ve no doubt this flick is gonna be a HUGE box office bomb. It seems Arnold just can’t seem to pull in the crowds like he used to. Arnold however is seriously NOT the problem here. What we got is a giant stupid-ass time travel cluster fuck of a flick that’s a complete waste of time that doesn’t make a lick of sense. You don’t even want to attempt try and figure out this dumb ass fucking stupid turd of a flick.

Yeah folks, it seems they just ran out of anything resembling good ideas here, and it took three shitty Terminator movies to come to this realization. Add in the fact that we’ve got way too many different actors playing John Connor at this point who’re dancing around a lone outdated T-800 who just keeps making random appearances in these movies and a Kyle Reese who’s nothing close to being as awesome as  Michael Beihn’s classic character was. Nope we’ve got a generic soulless version of Reese and John Connor here AGAIN, with Sarah Connor not being too much better, thrown into a confusing, overblown plot that tries it’s damnedest to shoe horn Arnold back into flick by any means necessary. None of these actors have any chemistry together.

I think it’d be fun to actually sit down and make a list of reasons why this movie’s plot is the most lazy pile of horse shit Hollywood has come up with in decades. You can defuse most of it’s major ideas in just a few seconds after they’re introduced. I actually think Arnold really could have been the aging T-800 cyborg with finesse instead of a lame inside joke the entire movie. It could have somehow all made sense if someone just took a second look at the wretched script. I always imagined an older Arnold playing the man who designed the T-800 in his own image somehow being incorporated into an intelligent science fiction flick with all the incredible action elements & charm of the first two movies.

It also leads me to the age old question how the hell is Kyle Reese John Connor’s father in the first place? Spoiler ALERT: Why the hell doesn’t this movie’s Kyle Reese question how the hell this is even possible when he finds out?! Seriously If I was Kyle in this movie I would have said “I call major BULLSHIT everyone, give me a damn DNA test and prove it or I’m outta here”!!!

Lastly without spoiling too much, the major antagonist in this movie was clearly a terrible attempt at a twist, and made it clear they’ve officially run out of anything remotely interesting regarding the franchise. How many times are people being sent back in time here before they just throw up their hands and  give this shit up? So final words skip this flick, it will make you angry & confused. But it’s just barely worth checking out if you want to see Arnold one last time giving it his all, as it turns out he’s the only thing remotely interesting in the entire movie….

“Turbo Kid” Trailer Has Arrived!

I blogged about this one a a couple weeks ago and now we have the official trailer for “Turbo Kid”! This look like a ton of fun for any fan of those 80’s Mad Max style flicks. “In a post-apocalyptic future a young solitary scavenger obsessed with comic books must face his fears and become a reluctant hero when he meets a mysterious girl. From horror masterminds Ant Timpson (The ABCs Of Death 1 & 2, Housebound) and Jason Eisener (Hobo With A Shotgun).”

This one looks pretty over the top! Check this shit out!!!

Cat Crazy: The Top 10 Feline Flicks of ALL time!!

It seems we have so many movies we can bring to mind that involve dogs as their stars, yet I’ve noticed when it comes to feline focused flicks there seems to be a bit of a shortage! Well I’m here today to give you a list of 10 of the best cat-riffic movies of time! The cat’s just don’t seem to get enough respect in the movie industry, I’m betting that is because it seems much more of damn hassle to get a cat do exactly what you want on screen, but cat lover’s rejoice- here’s some must see movies that you and your cat can get cozy with and have hours of serious bonding!!

1. Cat’s Eye (1985)

This one was a favorite of mine as a kid in the1980’s and it still holds up to this day! A great little three part horror anthology with the cat at the center of all the action. Especially in the the awesome third act of the movie where you get to see the feline do serious battle with a maniacal little troll!! My cat totally digs this one-it’s his favorite movie hands down!

2.  Uninvited (1988)

Wow now this movie just plain RULES it! Total cheezy cat horror that’s bound to get any movie party in the mood to rage! This one features a cute little cat that’s got a demonic rat like creature living inside him that comes out to kill people when ever the cat get stressed out! The special effects in this one are awesome in the worst way possible! This freakazoid cat jumps onto a yacht with a bunch of dingbat college kids and some annoying criminals and has a jolly good time ripping them to shreds! A true feline classic!

3. The Cat From Outer Space (1978)

This one is a crowd pleaser for cats and humans alike! This one features a crashed spacecraft with an alien cat as it’s pilot. The cat’s got some weird ass name and he can communicate with humans. Of course the authorities are after the cat so they can do stupid experiments on it. But a man named Frank is there luckily to help this feline escape earth, kinda like E.T. with a cat! 

4. Strays (1991)

Another domestic house cat horror flick, which my cat seems to always totally dig! This one features a family who adopt some strays but end up with a whole horde of vicious cats terrorizing their household! This one isn’t really going to scare anyone but it might make you think twice before letting the cute lil’ stray into your home for a bowl of milk!!

5. Felidae (1994)

This is a cool animated German feline flick that’s sure to get your cat’s heart a pumpin’! We have some great animation as well as a cool mystery that a cat decides to solve! This one might not be best for the little kids as it revolves around a string of cat murders in a neighborhood, but it’s a good one for any cat who’s looking for a little suspense between their naps! 

6. The Black Cat (1934)

This one doesn’t have nearly enough cat action in it, but most cats will appreciate the fact that there’s a creepy black cat that causes a helluva lot of fear to some travelers who seek medical attention after an accident on the road in Hungary. The cat takes the back seat a bit in this one but at it’s core is the center of dread throughout the movie! Also cats seem to just dig the movie’s name a lot.  

7. Aristocats (1970)

This is a classic cartoon for people of all ages and cats alike! This one involves some cats who inherit a mega fortune from their owner and a butler who’s pissed off about it! I guess I can kinda understand the butler’s frustration here, I mean what the hell are cats going to do with a bunch of money and material shit anyway?! Well the butler decides to kidnap the cats and from there a whole ball of kitty mayhem ensues!

8. Homeward Bound (1993)

Another Disney movie that this time features a real life cast of animals. It’s got a cat teaming up with a couple dogs who find crazy adventure as they head off to find their real owners! This movie had some controversy around it because of all of the dangerous scenes the animals filmed. But as far as I know none of the animals were harmed in the filming, just real stressed out! This one I recommend talking about with your cat before viewing it to see if perhaps it’s going to get upset about the controversial side of this one, but also be sure to mention it’s got Michael J. Fox voicing one of the characters and Sally Field as the cat. I mean that’s some serious star power right?   

9. Sleep Walkers (1992)

This is a pretty rad Stephen King horror film about some weird ass people who can transform into “Were-cats” and choice of dinner is human virgins! Dang! Well it just so happens that their weakness is the domestic house cat who can see through their disguise and whose bites and claws can literally destroy them! My cat loves the final attack scene with the horde of house cats and the flaming explosion!! My cat totally loves Clovis the cat and has modeled much of his behavior after him!

10. A Cat In Paris (2010)

This one is a great animated foreign feature for the distinguished cat in the family! A great little adventure that features a cat who aides his owner in burglaries around Paris. Soon though the adventure really gets cookin’ when the cat himself has to help a little girl escape from the clutches of some evil gangsters! This one has it all mystery, action, class and cat courage galore!

and one more that deserves an honorable mention…

11. That Darn Cat (1965)

This one’s full of fun as a frisky cat aides a woman who’s been kidnapped find her freedom! The cat here leads the FBI on the ride of their life! If your cat likes vintage 1960’s fashion that’s a plus here too! 

Turbo Kid: Old School VHS Style Apocalyptic Bliss!

Who doesn’t love an old school apocalyptic survival flick these days?! I know I do an after seeing Mad Max: Fury Road yesterday and having my mind completely blown with awesomeness I’m most definitely ready for more!! I’ll go on record here to say I was a bit underwhelmed with Avengers: Age of Ultron. It just didn’t really stick. The story was lackluster and it felt a bit too much like a repeat of the first flick in nearly every way. So I was pleased to see Mad Max kick the movie going experience back into high gear with amazing stunts, breathtaking action, incredible costumes and old school special effects as well as some awesome CG. I call it the blockbuster of the year. Well now today I witnessed  a trailer and promo video for “Turbo Kid” and well it looks fantastic! Check out this awesome poster..

“In a post-apocalyptic future, THE KID, a young solitary scavenger obsessed with comic books must face his fears and become a reluctant hero when he meets a mysterious girl named APPLE. Despite their efforts to keep to themselves, ZEUS, the sadistic and self-proclaimed leader of the Wasteland, plagues THE KID and APPLE. Armed with little more than blind faith and an ancient turbocharged weapon, THE KID learns of justice and friendship and embarks on an incredible journey to rid the Wasteland of evil and save the girl of his dreams.”

This one is a true homage to the apocalyptic flicks of the 1980’s that were all a direct result of the success of George Miller’s Mad Max series. You know the movies where it was like 1995 and the world was nothing more than a wasteland? Anyway I’m really excited for this one. It looks like a ton of dumb fun and so far it look s like it could have come out in the 1980’s. This cool flick from New Zealand should be on your radar!

Check out this short that inspired the feature film:

And the new trailer:

And a great interview with the directors!

Crazy Crazy Cat Man: “ROAR” Finally Gets It’s Debut in the USA!

Holy shit! I had the pleasure of seeing a screening last night of one of the most insane flicks I’ve ever seen at the Hollywood Theater right here in good ol’ Portland, Oregon! Yep “Roar” from 1981 has been called the most dangerous film ever made. This is hardly an exaggeration- It took about five years to make. It’s story revolves around Tippi Hedren and Noel Marshall, (writer, director, actor in the film)  along with Hedren’s real-life daughter Melanie Griffith and Marshall’s real-life sons John and Jerry.

Oh yeah and it also stars their real life adopted family of over 100 dangerous lions, tigers, panthers and cheetahs!! This movie is seriously insane, and had me cringing in fear around every corner as Noel Marshall is surrounded by these giant cats for nearly the entire movie. The plot is simple Marshall lives in Africa in a Swiss Family Robinson style house along with all of these man eating cats and a giant pissed off African elephant. The rest of his family (like in real life, Tippi in the movie, is his wife though they’re separated in the film) decide to drop by unexpectedly, only problem is dad isn’t there when they arrive….but the CATS are!

This movie is utter mayhem, filmed with just a loose plot, most all of the one million feet of footage shot depended on what the cats decided to do while shooting. These cats in the movie are considered Marshall’s harmless buddies, though he’s tackled, smothered and in the middle of raging giant cat fights pretty much nonstop throughout the film. To see these actors deliver their lines while in the midst of these beasts is quite a hilarious feat to say the least!

Now onto the other crazy fact of this film, no animals were harmed in the filming but over 70 cast and crew members were!! Much of the injury can be seen on film, though carefully edited. Here’s a list of exactly what when down via the Wiki page:

“Cinematographer Jan de Bont had his scalp lifted by a lion, resulting in 220 stitches. Tippi Hedren received a fractured leg and also had scalp wounds. This occurred after an elephant bucked her off its back while she was riding it. She was also bitten in the neck by a lion and required 38 stitches. This incident can also be seen in the film. Melanie Griffith(Hedren’s daughter) was also attacked, receiving 50 stitches to her face; it was feared she may lose an eye but in the end the wound was not disfiguring. 

Jan de Bont after the lion attack!

Noel was attacked so many times that he eventually was diagnosed with gangrene. One of those incidents, he was clawed by a cheetah when protecting the animals during a bushfire that occurred in 1979. All animals were evacuated, though it took several years for him to recover from his injuries. Due to the injuries, turnover was high as many did not want to return to the set. Some of the lions also suffered from illnesses that reduced their population. John Marshall was bitten by one of the lions and required 56 stitches. His brother Jerry was bitten in the foot while wearing tennis shoes. He later jokingly said the lion had a “tennis shoe fetish.” Assistant Director Doron Kauper had his throat bitten open, his jaw was bitten, and one of the lions attempted to rip an ear off. He was also injured in the head, chest, and thigh. Although it has been reported that the attack nearly proved fatal, the Santa Cruz Sentinel on July 9, 1978 printed a quote from a nurse saying his injuries were acute. He was also reported as being conscious and in a fair condition.“

Sound pretty unbelievable huh? Well after watching this movie, which was never officially released in the US until now it’s pretty clear how the insane list of injuries is totally accurate with what you witness before you! There’s a ton of crazy stunts and an angry elephant scene that will scare the pants off of you! The cats were adopted by Hendren and Marshall from defunct circuses, zoos & irresponsible owners and given refuge at The Shambala Preserve  just about 50 miles outside of Los Angeles which they started together. in fact you can still visit the preserve today. Before you do though make sure you do not miss this movie it’s a truly incredible piece of cinema and one experience you’re likely to never forget!

Nightcrawler, Michael Jackson & More Jared Joker!

Ok we’re off to a good start today as some pics have been posted of Nightcrawler and a few of the other X-men from Bryan Singer’s “Age of Apocalypse” which is filming right now. So far it seems Singer is on track with promo images as this Nightcrawler image looks pretty awesome to me so far. I’m so excited for this new X-men film to take place in the eighties dammit!

Now some people are saying that Nightcrawler has a emo boy hairdo, but I call bullshit on that, in fact back in the 1980’s I had a similar hair style that we all referred to as “skater bangs”.

Also I’m loving this Michael Jackson jacket he’s wearing-so perfect and compliments the colors of his original costume to a T!

I can’t wait for this movie as the last one was one of the best comic book movies ever by a long shot. Here’s Jubilee too looking perfect as ever…

Oh yeah here’s a total douche bag photo just released of Jared Leto’s muscular body for the “beefcake” version of The Joker, a role which really required the opposite body type. Come on DC stop releasing photos please, it’s cinematic suicide…

Maybe Leto thinks he’s actually playing Superman?!