Universal Dork

The Most Unsuccessful Blog on the 'Net Since 2009!

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  • Impossibly Stupid Dialogue With The Impossible Man!!

    Ok I admit it I just can’t seem to get enough of these 70’s Fantastic Four cartoons! They are so badly written that it has quickly become one of the most funny Tv shows I’ve ever seen! This episode features the Impossible Man who’s kinda stupid anyway but this takes him to a whole new level of lame!

    Check out the beginning dialogue alone he has with the extremely brain dead bank robbers is some of the best I’ve heard in a long time. This one is already Rivaling The Menace of Magneto episode. This again is a shortened version I’d love to see it in it’s entirety. Check this out if you dare!!

  • Planet Hulk: much better in the comics….

    I am thrilled by the fact that Marvel and DC are releasing old school animation feature films! It’s nice that they have decided to keep that style alive and even try to recreate current comic books arcs into mini movies. The reality to this however is that they really aren’t doing the stories too much justice. Which seems to be the case again with Marvel’s newest animated movie that was released this last tuesday: Planet Hulk.

    First off  I must say that aside from the Hulk vs. Wolverine cartoon (which was pretty amazing) most of their animated efforts have been pretty uninspiring. The animation really is not much better than a saturday morning cartoon. (more…)

  • Brilliant Comedy from Doctor Doom!

    Well yesterday was my birthday and last night I got pretty hammered so today my brain isn’t really working too well. But anyway probably the best thing I could have done was watch The Menace of Magneto episode from the 70’s Fantastic Four Series at the end of the night completely hammered while eating Taco Bell. Yeah not such a healthy night but it was fun! The cartoon delivers the goods everytime. I posted a blog of here about it a while back. I have never seen a cartoon that makes me laugh that hard while trying to take itself seriously. So it got me thinking today that need to find all of these episodes! I mean is it possible that the others are just as hilarious??? Well I found some clips on Youtube that just have to be seen to be believed! The best thing about it is it’s the same guy doing the voice of Doctor Doom that did the mentally challenged Magneto from the other brilliant epsiode! Yeah Doctor Doom like Magneto has to tell you everything that he’s doing as he’s doing it! I am going to comb ebay so I can get the full version of this one if it’s out there on vhs. Check this shit out!!

  • MARILYN MANSON LANDS A PLANE; Or, TURBULENCE 3—HEAVY METAL

    Prequels, like good taste, are often not required for viewing sequels. DEATH WISH 3? Perfect example. Relishing in Bronson’s unhinged scum-stomping rampages requires no getting-to-know-ya handshake. TURBULENCE 3-HEAVY METAL also requires no teaser. Just, maybe a chaser? 

    The premise is pure support for the subtitle pun “heavy metal”. Self-proclaimed antichrist rock star Slade Craven has decided to film his final concert en route a pastel-upholstered, pretzel-lobbing airplane (which transcends any definition of metal that I can think of). But not all is rosy in hell. Rutger (BLADE RUNNER) Hauer, with a notably larger face, plays a devil worshipping pilot and believes Slade Craven is the “fake messiah”. He and globby-eyed VJ (top model Monika Schnarre) think Craven’s party should be crashed into a church in Oklahoma. This opens the seventh gateway to hell, unleashing the true satan.

    (OK, I’ve seen THE BEYOND and thought this hellgate was in Louisiana?!) (more…)

  • Captain America’s starting to get thawed out!

    I found a little info today on the upcoming Captain America movie and it’s sounding pretty good. It seems there’s going to be alot of news on it coming since director Joe Jonston is finished with the Wolfman. I honestly just wanna know who the hell is going to play Cap already! But early news on the films direction is pretty awesome and from what I understand the director wants a more Indiana Jones vibe to the movie set in the 1940’s. I am thrilled with that decision! Bring on the adventure and kick some Nazi ass! Here’s what the the director revealed recently via Box Office:

    “It’s not going to be a Captain America that you expect. It’s something different. (more…)

  • Anime Wolverine? NO thanks!

    I must say I just saw the worst version of Wolverine ever! It’s anime Wolverine from the upcoming animated Marvel japanese feature due out this year! I actually thought that nothing could top the crappy-ass version we got of Wolverine in his solo flick until now. Now I’ve not actually seen anything other than this trailer and I’m willing to give it a fair shot but really this was the BEST they could come up with?? Lancer from Robotech with some claws???!! Check it out for yourself maybe I’m just totally crazy here but I seen some manga versions of Wolverine that looked pretty damn rad. So what gives here?

     Why give Wolvie the worst hair-do of all time?? And what the hell, is Wolverine now anorexic? I am also not entirely but is Wolverine now a woman? Oh well at least they gave him claws!

    (more…)

  • Bring Back the GIANT Treasury Editions!

    When I was a kid there was really nothing that was more cool than a brand new comic book except one thing: A Treasury Edition comic book! What are those? You don’t remember the Treasury Editions?!! Well let me refresh your memory. They were basically gigantic versions of your favorite comic books sometimes three or more stories and sometimes more than one title per book! These Treasury Editions were huge measuring ( I am actually measuring one of mine right now!)  13 & 1/2 x 10 inches and having 80 advertisement free pages! These were very popular in the 70’s but seemed to fizzle out in the 80’s. Sometimes the issues would have brand new covers and the back cover was always specifically drawn for the treasury edition which was essentially like a poster!

    These were just as rad as any toy and I remember carrying around my stack of these pretty much everywhere I went being the envy of any kid that saw me! (more…)

  • That’s Solomon Kane NOT Van Helsing!

    I am a total sucker for fantasy films. I simply do not believe enough good or even bad fantasy movies have been put out for our viewing pleasure! So naturally I am most pumped for The Hobbit, can’t WAIT for Clash of the Titans, excited about Conan even though I am not too thrilled at their choice of Jason Momoa and actually pretty darn keen on Solomon Kane! So until The Hobbit hits theaters I’m gonna have to take what I can get! So far it looks as if Solomon Kane is going to be a fun fantasy flick at the very least. I am pretty easy to please in the fantasy department, I mean I even enjoyed Van Helsing for cryin’ out loud! Does that totally destroy any cred I may have had?? I have to say though he does kinda look like Van Helsing huh?

    Well Solomon Kane was created by none other than Robert E. Howard (Conan the Barbarian) which obviously means gritty tales of high adventure and plenty of monsters. (more…)

  • Chekov’s Sci fi Courtroom Drama!

    Last night I watched Walter Koenig’s “Inalienable” which was just released on dvd. The story sounded quite interesting and being a big Star Trek fanatic I always give the benefit of the doubt to any of TOS’s new ventures. Written, produced and starring ol’ Chekov himself this sci fi flick actually played more like a courtroom drama.

    The story is quite simple, the films star Eric Norris (Richard Hatch) is medical researcher trying to find a cure for aids and going through years of depression after feeling responsible for the death of his family in a car accident. One day a local man stops in with a strange peice of “rock” from a meteorite crash on his property and gives it to Eric to check out. We get the drift early on that this is no ordinary rock and that it holds some creepy alien life within it. (more…)

  • Are you ready for Gremlins 3 in 3-D??

    Rumors are running wild now about another old classic movie franchise getting some life blown back into it! This time it’s Gremlins that’s supposedly getting a third installment. To me this is already sounding like a bad idea. It could just be because the original Gremlins has a special nostalgic place in my heart as I am sure it does to many other people. It doesn’t however surprise me in the least that this film is reportedly in the early stages of development. With the arrival of  Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull (which I personally enjoyed, the direct to video Lost Boys 2 (which was just a shame direct to dvd flaming turd), George Lucas recently saying after seeing Avatar he’d like to remake Star Wars (please noooo!) and recent news of Ghostbusters 3 it was only a matter of time before Gremlins caught the same trend.

    The problems I am see so far is that first off,  none of the original cast has yet been asked back. (more…)