Universal Dork

The Most Unsuccessful Blog on the 'Net Since 2009!

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  • Dear Batman, Please Kick Frank Miller’s Ass!!

    Hey so not sure if anyone out there has heard Frank Miller’s most recent brainless rant that he posted on his official website? Well apparently Frank is just sooooooo damn upset about this new Occupy movement that he couldn’t keep all of his his anger inside! After reading this I think maybe Frank has actually been living his life inside of a real comic book that he wrote! He seems as clueless as ever as he calls Occupy protesters “a pack of louts, thieves, and rapists, an unruly mob, fed by Woodstock-era nostalgia and putrid false righteousness.” This sounds like perhaps Frank has been reading Batman: The Cult a few too many times in the past week?

    He thinks all of us “pond scum” need to be focused on the real threat to America “al-Qaeda & Islamicism”. Wow maybe you, Frank Miller actually believe Captain America is a real guy and the USA isn’t really a bunch of thugs who threaten the World’s safety ever? It’s that simple to Frank USA good! Islam BAD! I bet Frank thinks The Joker and The Red Skull are running al-Qaeda and that Perhaps George Bush is secretly Nick Fury and Obama is The Black Panther!! Yeah Frank! The Occupy movement has actually been put together secretly by The new Baron Zemo and Lex Luthor!  Those master minds have turned the population against the good guys in Government and Captain America is behind the scenes right now Frank, he’s dismantling the brainwashing machine they put together months ago!!

    Yeah Frank also says that the protesters should “Enlist for the real thing. Maybe our military could whip some of you into shape.” Yeah! Go USA military Go! Hey Frank if you can promise me that Bucky Barnes and Dum Dum Dugan will be there in person to train me I’ll certainly give it a shot! Go USA!! Yeeeeehaw! Anyway check out this rant by a man I once used to respect…dammit Frank What would The Dark Knight think of you now?!

    You can read it yourself here: Frank Miller on Occupy

  • Don’t Mess With Weng Weng….Seriously!!

    After viewing the incredibly entertaining Machete Maidens Unleashed last night I can say I have a much greater understanding on the whole Grindhouse phenomenon of the late 60’s, 70’s & early 80’s. What the movie focuses on is the American film making that took place in the Philippines during this time which featured tons of B movies, ridiculous monsters, naked women & my favorite part of the documentary, the introduction to Weng Weng the world smallest action star!

    Real name Ernesto de la Cruz, better known as Weng Weng, stood only 2 feet 9 inches tall and was a master in Jeet Kune Do and was a marvel to behold. His most famous roles were in “For Y’ur Height Only” and “The Impossible Kid” where he played Secret Agent 00. Apparently there’s a documentary out there about him called “The Search for Weng Weng” which I am sure would be quite an interesting film. Sadly though he passed away at the age of 34 from a heart attack. But I do look forward to seeing as many of his films as possible as they look simply amazing…check this incredible action martial arts scene out for yourself!

  • The Greatest Documentary Ever? Most Likely!

    So today I will be getting a movie in the mail I have been looking forward to for quite some time now- Machete Maidens Unleashed! This documentary tells the crazy story of  the Grindhouse movies of the 60’s and 70’s.

    Following the stories of the actual stars and the crazy locations they shot these films at with a shoe string budget, Machete Maidens looks like the film for all of us Grindhouse fanatics. It looks like they have some cool commentary from the likes of Joe Dante one of my all time faves and Roger Corman. Check out this trailer is doesn’t get any better than this!

  • Lesson of the Day: If You Wanna Win Don’t Drink Motor Oil!

    Last night I watched “Over the Top” from 1986 for the first time and boy was it a treat! Folks movie just don’t get any cornier than this-and at the center of it all we got Sly Stallone arm wrasslin his way to the top! Making all his dreams come true! Well along the way he’s got a lot against him and the final act of the film is part Rocky, part Karate Kid and yeah pretty over the damn top. I mean who knew that people got so into arm wrestling in the 80’s?! Well the best lesson I learned from the movie can be seen here as one of Sly’s opponents learns that drinking motor oil before arm wrestling doesn’t necessarily mean success!!

  • It’s 1987: Trick or Treat! How about a Comic Book Instead?!

    Way back in 1987 Marvel had an idea-let’s give kids comic books instead of candy on Halloween! Yeah back in those days people were super freaked out that Halloween candy was poisoned or that it had razor blades and needle s stuck in it. Whoever started that rumor has gotta be a major party pooper-I mean did anyone ever really get harmed by Halloween candy?! Well Marvel had the solution and  one that really should have stuck-mini comic books instead! Hell I’d take an Incredible Hulk comic over a Baby Ruth any day!!! Check this out:

    Well along with my mini comics I’ll gladly take one of these Hulk Trick or Treat candy or in this case comic book carriers from 1979!!

  • Season’s Greetings from Sam!

    If you missed the awesome “Trick ‘r Treat” from 2009 I suggest that you go out this Halloween season here, gear up with some sweets and check it out! It is easily one of the best new horror movies released in the past five years and the perfect one to watch on Halloween! The best part of the movie is by far when Brian Cox faces the lil’ Samhain – reminding me of an awesome  80’s lost episode of ‘Tales from the Darkside”. Also if by chance you end up renting the 1986 movie Trick or Treat, well you are also in for a campy treat as well-But this little short animated feature was one of the inspirations for the movie and the first appearance of Sam!

  • Take me to The Boneyard PLEASE!

    Yesterday I purchased a movie off of Amazon.com that I have to say, I’m fucking PUMPED to get in the mail this week! I accidentally ran into this trailer yesterday while checking out a different movie a friend of mine claimed was on par with Troll 2 and the Room…instead however I found the trailer  for 1991’s The Boneyard!!

    I have got to say it’s very rare for  me to hunt down a movie one the web the same evening and order it-but if you take the time to check this out you’ll clearly understand why I did so.

    The movie also features Phyllis Diller (apparently this movie is the only one she’s starred in without her wig on) and Norman Fell, yeah Stanley Roper from Three’s Company!! Oh and I forgot to mention a giant  monster Poodle! So I am hoping the movie is as cool as the trailer (which pretty much seems like it shows you the whole damn movie)-check this shit out!

     

     

  • Chuck Norris Really is Expendable!

    So here’s a picture from the next Expendables movie currently filming with none other than Chuck Norris! I was actually doubting that he was going to be in the sequel, well because that’d be too damn awesome! But alas here he is in the flesh at 71 years old! So now I wonder if Chuck will be pulling out any of his classic moves in this flick? Can he still kick ass? Time will tell I suppose but I have to say my childhood self is  getting pretty pumped for  this all star cast-this movie is going to be pure loud dumb awesome nostalgia!! Served just the way I like it….

  • Phoenix Jones Returns To The Streets!

    I am sure everyone has heard that Phoenix Jones, Seattle’s premiere real life super hero was arrested on October 9th for apparently pepper spraying some people who he mistook for fighting. They claim however that they were merely horsing around, leading the rainy city’s most popular super hero to being arrested. My thoughts? Could these people have been plants sent to set up and ruin Jones forever?! Quite possible. But my words to Phoenix is don’t give up, I mean seriously look at all the fucked up shit that has happened to Spider-man or say Daredevil over the years! They’ve done a lot more than pepper spray the wrong people and they never stopped the fight. So what now if  your secret identity has been revealed to the world-there are a lot of super heroes that don’t let that get in the way. Everyone knows Steve Rogers is Cap!

    Well apparently he already considered all these things because word on the street is that Phoenix Jones HAS actually hit the streets again according to the Everett Herald, it seems that the prosecutors declined to file charges. It makes you wonder if Jones has a foggy Nelson type character in his life helping him out? Or perhaps the people just realized the obvious-life’s a lot more rad knowing you have a real life super hero patroling your city!! 

     

  • Take me back to 1985! Yie Ar Kung FU!!!

    Yes please take me back to 1985! Back when arcade games were super rad and fun to play! I know all of you out there think XBOX with it’s fancy ass graphics is the shit but you know what? I am a nerd, true, but I haven’t gotten sucked into these new video games! The closest I got was a few years back when I played the Nintendo Game Cube a couple times a week! I have to say X-Men Legends was a fun game, Baldur’s Gate was a blast too but you know I just never could get sucked into these ultra violent games that people spend their lives playing today. Instead I think about going to the arcade back in the day and playing my favorite fighting game, “Yie Ar Kung Fu”!

    Many may be wondering what the hell I am talking about? Well back when I was a kid we’d spend a lot of time at our cottage in Northern Wisconsin and my brother and I would head to a tiny arcade in a laundromat in the tiny city of Elcho. We be there for one game Konami’s Yie Ar Kung Fu was the best fighting game! You played a sort of Bruce Lee like character named Oolong who well spends his time kicking a lot of ass through ten different bad ass foes armed with dangerous fans, clubs and tonfun.

    I haven’t played this game in decades but somehow today I found myself wishing I could find a stand up version somewhere-Believe me I would be playing for hours if I did. This has really gotten me to thinking that the whole idea of arcades should come back with similar style stand up games. Someone out there needs to make some new version old school games in the old format-at the end of the day I just don’t have time to screw with a controller with like twenty buttons on it-just give me a roller ball and a button like centipede and I am a happy camper….