Universal Dork

The Most Unsuccessful Blog on the 'Net Since 2009!

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  • Brian Posehn Couldn’t Even Make Deadpool Funny!

    I just got done reading the new Marvel Now! Deadpool issue number one. This issue was co-written by Brian Posehn, a move Marvel has made to truly show you just how “hilarious” Deadpool is as a character. Though the issue was a decent fun read I expected a lot more in the comedy department having Posehn attached to this. The thing is I really do like Deadpool! He’s got cool powers, the Weapon X connection, a rad costume however this guy just isn’t funny. I have never read an issue where Deadpool is actually funny.

    More so I would say he’s one of those guys that think’s he’s a genius comic genius when in actuality you just want him to keep his trap shut! I know you know someone like this, they never quit either they just keep cracking “quirky” jokes that no one laughs at with the ferocity of the Energizer Bunny.

    So that’s the guy Deadpool is to me. The annoying friend who doesn’t know when to quit. He’s not funny. He’s just irritating. For some reason I don’t think that’s the guy Marvel thinks Deadpool is though. Hell they even got the brilliant Posehn on his side and he still just comes across like a stale donut. Besides that fact that I just had to put out there, the new issue was a fun read overall with nice artwork by Tony Moore. It follows a story of ex Presidents of the USA who are brought back to life as evil zombie versions of themselves, plotting to take over the country. Naturally S.H.I.E.L.D. hires Deadpool to take them down. I will be around for issue number two just for my love of Posehn and Moore, however we’ll see if the laughs improve over time.

    I have to ask you all am I crazy? Is Deadpool actually funny? Am I missing something? Is my sense of humor cracked? If he has ever been funny what issues showcase his comedic brilliance?

  • Is Mark Hamill Just Too Damn OLD for Star Wars Episode VII?!

    Sorry folks I had computer problems for the whole last week and wasn’t able to effectively blog unless blogging from a smart phone sounds fun? Anyway I kinda missed reporting my thoughts on the whole Star Wars future trilogy / Disney fiasco. So first let me say I think it’s a great thing that we finally got Star Wars away from Lucas. Sorry George! I also think this will mean BETTER films for the franchise. The prequels can’t be erased from our minds sadly but maybe we can tarnish off the shit that has been coating Star Wars and get something truly amazing that the fans will lose their god damn minds over. I have a feeling that is exactly what we’ll get. In fact I think a great director will be chosen and like J.J. Abrams did for Star Trek this director will do similars wonders for Star Wars.

    So today I want to address the fact that we are getting major speculation that Episode Seven will feature possibly Luke Skywalker, Leia and Han Solo. They won’t be casting new actors, they will be including Hamill, Fisher and Ford. I’ve already heard people bitching about this idea, calling them too old to carry a movie. Quite possibly this really could be the case. I however think that with a few younger cast members the movie could be rounded out perfectly and capture the nostalgia for longtime fans and younger fans alike. My real focus here though is on Luke Skywalker. I feel Episode Seven must feature Hamill as Luke, much like the way the last Star Trek movie featured Nimoy as Spock. However I’d like to see Luke as a major player in the movie rather than a cameo, maybe not first billed but a great supporting part played. So let’s cut the small talk and get to the point is he too old for the role?

    That’s what I hear people saying, however one thing that has been a constant theme in Star Wars is one simple fact. A Jedi is dangerous, but and OLD Jedi is the most lethal and deadly of them all. Obi-Wan, Yoda, Vader, Dooku? Need I go on?

    So this makes perfect sense to me to have Mark Hamill return as an older Jedi. I mean I almost wish Hamill was even older for the role. I imagine him training someone in the Jedi Ways and having to fight along side his student/students against whatever threat is chosen for the next film. I’d also agree that Hamill would have to take this role very seriously, I mean he better be running on the damn treadmill as I type this. All we need is him to get back into shape, he can look old as shit but he’s got to look like he can still kick some major butt with a lightsaber. I also think it could possibly end up being the most bad ass Skywalker role yet if done tastefully. I think it’s a must, it would tie the films together and make a lot of sense. Now Harrison Ford & Carrie Fisher? I’m not so certain about. What I do know is these movies cannot possibly be worse than the prequels, so whatever we get will seem like a god damn Academy Award winner next to the last few films. One thing to seriously consider is who else could return form the past for these movies? Bring ’em on Disney!

  • Not Gangnam Style, LOPAN Style!

    So Gangnam Style seems to be all the rage, I mean the video on youtube has like 550 million views! But here’s something that maybe one of the coolest “Styles” yet-LOPAN STYLE!! Check this shit out!

  • He’s BACK: Arnold Returns to the Big Screen as King CONAN!

    Word on the street today is that Arnold finally used some of his barbaric wisdom and decided to return to the screen as one of his best roles of well…all time. Deadline reports that he’s indeed reprising his role as Conan the Barbarian. I blogged here that it was the one role that would truly make sense for him at his age in his career. The first film ended with an older King Conan sitting on his throne in a pondering position remember? Well it seems that he’s going to put on the crown for another adventure! I am a big fan of the first two films…yeah I even like the second one-so what?! So to me this is exciting news!

    Also I might add that just one night ago I finally decided to give the new reboot of Conan a watch. Yeah it totally blew, but honestly not quite quite as bad as I was expecting. It was however just plain bad and not quite painfully bad. Momoa was though was a pretty god awful Conan and I can see why it was panned so hard by critics. So it’s nice to know I can erase it from my mind! Now Arnold will really need to hit the Gym because we all know we can’t have a flabby ass Conan!

    The movie will be called The Legend of Conan and this is what Deadline reported from the films producer: “The original ended with Arnold on the throne as a seasoned warrior, and this is the take of the film we will make,” Malmberg siad. “It’s that Nordic Viking mythic guy who has played the role of king, warrior, soldier and mercenary, and who has bedded more women than anyone, nearing the last cycle of his life. He knows he’ll be going to Valhalla, and wants to go out with a good battle.”

  • Even More Universal Dork Halloween Horror Picks! The Tall Man!

    So this year’s list of horror movies to check out at the theater seems pretty weak ass to me. So far we have has V/H/S which got incredibly mixed reviews, Sinister (who former Universal Dork contributor The One From Beyond warned me was a complete pile of dog shit) and Paranormal Activity 4 which is jammed packed with even MORE doors slowly opening! So what the fuck is a horror hound supposed to do in this day and age of shitty Hollywood Horror? Well I just recently viewed Pascal Laugier’s “The Tall Man” and really enjoyed the hell out of it!

    This movie probably should have seen a wide release especially with Jessica Biel as the movies’ main starpower. Now if you’ve seen Laugier’s previous movie Martyrs then you know this guy is a real talent. That movie caused quite a stir and left me with images that to this day are hard to erase from my mind. So I would never really recommend Martyrs to anyone because it’s just too much of a challenge to view. However I am glad I saw it and even though The Tall Man is a much much different type of horror film I can see strong similarities in how the stories unfold in both.

    The plot is simple in The Tall Man, it follows a mother (Biel) who’s a doctor in small troubled town suffering from economic collapse. There many children have since gone missing and many locals believe it to be the work of an evil supernatural being called The Tall Man. It’s not long before our main character comes face to face with the legendary stranger as he attempts to steal her son. Now honestly that’s all I should really tell you about the plot, anything more would spoil this cool little film that has a LOT to say in the end.

    You will be scratching your head mid way through confused as hell I promise but in the end it will all make sense. If you have seen Martyrs you know what I mean. The movie has many elements to it and to simply call it a horror movie would be a crime. However I think this was an exciting watch and one of the better new horror movies I’ve seen in quite some time. For those of you who’ve seen Martyrs don’t worry this one won’t leave you quite as scarred just more intrigued than anything else…

  • Universal Dork’s Halloween Movie Picks: Creepy Ass Dolls!

    Hey I am back again with another Halloween horror movie pick from the past! One of my personal favorite topics of horror flicks are that of the creepy doll! Yeah I know we all first think of Child’s Play which is easily one of if not the best creepy doll movie. However there are a good number of others that are pretty swell as well like Dolly Dearest from 1991 which is basically a female version of Child’s Play and of course The Puppetmaster series is also fairly decent.

    But one of my personal faves is “Dolls” from 1986 from horror legend Stuart Gordon and of course the wonderfully cheesy Charles Band. This short and sweet little creepy horror classic is essentially a dark fairy tale jammed to the brim with freaky living dolls.

    It follows a group of travelers as they take refuge from a strom in a strange mansion in the countryside owned by a far too friendly elderly couple. However the group consists some people that are far from friendly, two rowdy British punkers and a greedy married couple along with their little girl and the young at heart traveling salesman. It seems that when the lights go out for the night the dolls emerge to teach the naughty adults some lessons.

    The whole movie is just a whole lot of fun all together. A simple plot can sometimes make for the best type of film and Gordon does a great job with presenting us with a whimsical, dark & atmospheric setting. Dolls is also filled with some fun 80’s fx via puppetry, animatronics and some cool stop motion.

    So this Halloween check this out, it’s a great little horror flick that we will all learn a valuable lesson from, I know I’ll be popping this into my dvd player again this Halloween!

  • Recent “Evil Dead” Leaked Trailer Mania: Did it Deliver?

    So like everyone else out there who’s a fan of horror, I recently watched the bootleg version of the new Evil Dead remake leaked trailer. It seems it’s so far got a lot of great reactions. If you haven’t seen it you should check it out. So far it looks pretty decent. It promises to be everything fans of the movie would hope for in a remake. This was promised by Bruce Campbell himself. I don’t doubt it will be entertaining while highly uncalled for in the same breath. To me it’s just not that exciting, even with an ultra shocking, super gory trailer and yeah even with Bruce himself getting behind it. I really don’t have to say it again, but I personally would rather have the energy someone puts into a movie like this be spent on something new and fresh.

    I like most fans of the franchise would rather have one last adventure with Bruce reprising his role as Ash. And please people, Bruce is NOT too old to play Ash. His age would only make it that much more entertaining and comedic. For some reason though it’s been talked of for years it never happens. Instead we get something like “Drag Me to Hell” from Raimi. A near perfect horror romp minus the horrible CG which ends up spoiling the movie for true splatter fans. So maybe it’s best Raimi stays away from Evil Dead 4, perhaps he and Bruce know it’d end up lackluster?

    Either way I will end up checking out this new Evil Dead movie. It looks creepy as hell, gory, and from what I can deduct thus far not too heavily reliant on CG. I will admit though honestly when it comes to Evil Dead for me I am much more of a Part 2 & Army of Darkness kind of guy. So letting this remake pass with out too much bitching is not that incredibly hard. However once they move into the casting a “new” Ash territory there may be some problems. But given the right director in this day and age can really change it all. Besides I would have never believed in a million years I would have been ok with new people playing Captain Kirk and Spock. How they pulled that one off still baffles me…what do you think?

    Oh and I couldn’t find a good link to the leaked trailer so this will have to do!

  • More Universal Dork Halloween Movie Picks! Heavy Metal Horror!

    Here we go again with another movie pick for you this Halloween that you should be able to easily find for a Halloween horror movie night! Let’s face it movies are expensive to go to these days-and who the hell has got the money to risk on a shitty mainstream Hollywood horror flick these days? Well save some money and fear not fellow dorks I have got another gem for you to check out!

    Trick or Treat from 1986 is a GREAT little bundle of cheezy horror served up they way it should be in the 1980’s-with a rockin’ metal soundtrack! Yeah this movie is all about heavy metal and the harm it can do to you when you play records backwards! Back in the 80’s people were obsessed with playing vinyl backwards because they swore all the metal bands were putting subliminal evil messages in their music! However I bet if you played some Patsy Cline albums backwards long enough you’d sure as hell hear something that’d be perceived as evil!

    Anyway this rad movie has Marc Price, Family Ties’ “Skippy”, as our teenage metal head outcast nicknamed “Ragman”. He’s picked on by the jocks and longs for love from one of the most popular girls in his school. Well one day he gets a present for local metal DJ played by Gene Simmons, a final unreleased record by his favorite artist Sammie Curr, a recently deceased heavy metal superstar. When he takes it home and plays it bad things begin to happen and soon Sammie Curr returns from the dead with demonic powers and even more fucking bad ass rock and roll chops! Throw in a few monsters, some rock n’ roll and a ton of 1980’s electricity flying all over the place and boom-instant classic.

    This is pretty much the perfect 80’s horror flick it’s just a damn good time all around. The perfect movie to drink beers with friends on Halloween. The more recent dvd releases of this movie have put pictures of Gene Simmons & Ozzy Osbourne on the cover implying they are the major stars of the movie, laughably they end up in the movie for a combined total of maybe a minute and a half tops! Still there a ton of fun to be had with this cult favorite, if you haven’t seen it check it out this Halloween and if you have it’s probably time to rock out to this once again!

  • OFF! + Jack Black = AWESOME!

    I love OFF! they are easily one of my favorite bands around today. Consisting of members of Black Flag, Circle Jerks, Redd Kross and Rocket From the Crypt these guys show the young pups what real punk rock is supposed to sound like.

    With most songs clocking in at around a minutes or less they’ve managed to recreate perfect punk rock you’d swear was recorded in 1981.

    Well now they’ve teamed up with Jack Black to make one of the best videos of the year, a grindhouse movie battle crammed into one minute of pure awesomeness….enjoy!

  • Did The Uncanny Avengers Live Up to the Hype?

    I just got done reading The Uncanny Avengers #1, one of the most hyped comics books in quite some time. Marvel has even reported over 300,000 issues already sold. So was it as amazing as everyone hoped? I think so. Now granted this is issue #1 only, but in the aftermath of AVX which I will admit I didn’t read it all ( hey comic books are expensive and to be honest I can’t afford to read all the tiles I’d like to every week for 4 bucks a pop) this issue is a fantastic start to something that could be really awesome. It’s first off beautifully drawn by John Cassaday, while reading it, it brought back great memories of Joss Whedon’s Astonishing X-men run second Remender does a great job with grabbing you in with some heartfelt story telling in the wake of Professor X’s death.

    What we have here in issue one is basically Captain America asking Havok to lead a special Avengers team, Wolverine telling the world they failed Chuck Xavier and his dream, an attack by Avalanche on the city in the name of mutant revenge on humans and lastly Rogue confronting The Scarlet Witch at Xavier’s grave. I thought it was a great scene in where we get to really understand where both of these characters are coming from dealing with the recent “death”.

    Lastly we get a new(?) gang of villains who attack. We have ‘The Goat Faced Girl” who’s creepy enough along with, an insect man, a water controlling octopus woman, a winged demon woman and a snapping turtle man guy. So yeah not sure what I think about these dudes yet…we’ll see. Finally we get a look at the “major villain” which is really not much of a surprise but steals something for him self which will be important I’d imagine to the X-men. A really impressive first issue overall, with wonderful artwork and an exciting story coming together it will be interesting to see how long The Avengers remain Uncanny…..