Universal Dork

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Listen Up Hollywood! The Dark Night Returns: Starring Michael Keaton!

September 11, 2013

So I’m just not that pumped on the whole Ben Affleck Batman scenario. I get that he probably just landed his dream job and that they want Batman and Superman to appear in a movie together but I think we could shoot higher! Let’s think about another more exciting movie sequel, a live action “Dark Knight Returns” starring Michael Keaton once again as Batman!!

I was watching Keaton in a movie recently and it dawned on me that he’s the perfect age to play Batman again, in the role from the legendary Frank Miller story. Seriously. I think this is something that they need to make happen. It would make for quite a treat to all Batman fans and maybe, just maybe we could get Tim Burton to direct. I really don’t trust Burton with anything these days, I suppose he’d need to somehow insert Johnny Depp into the equation, hell maybe he could play Robin?! That’d be if we changed the sex of Robin for the movie but hey it could work if that’s what burton really needed to make himself happy! But if we could get Burton to go back to his roots with this one it’d be quite an experience!

So what about the Joker you ask? Well…no brainer, Jack Nicholson of course as an old Joker would be absolutely fantastic! Because guess what? The Joker didn’t die in the original Burton movie! Nope! Because we’ve seen it happen in the comics many times, we all know he never truly dies nor do any valuable characters. However they better jump on this idea quick as we’ve heard rumors of Nicholson possibly retiring. How great would this be as his last hurrah?! The movie could show a recap of what happened throughout the years between them, with Keaton’s Batman and we could stick to the same visual style of the first movies.

To me that sounds like a good time. Far far better than Ben Affleck jumping into the next Superman flick. I mean the first Superman was sufficient but it really didn’t captivate audiences in the way they’d anticipated. But that means that we would hypothetically need a Superman for this Burton version, so who’d fit the bill? I wouldn’t be opposed to Cavill returning, though this universe may be to Burton-esque for him, I’d be ok more so with Brandon Routh returning to the role as he has that Christopher Reeve vibe and ultimately his Superman would have fit pretty good into the 1989 Batman’s universe quite nicely. So there you have it Hollywood! Make this shit happen! This would truly be an exciting venture I’d pay to see more than once!

What do YOU think?
Captain Kirk Vs Miley Cyrus?!!

September 4, 2013

Whoa what could possibly disgust Captain James T. Kirk so much?

Well watch what happens when the USS Enterprise goes face to face with Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke?! These two are more of a threat to the Enterprise than Khan or any Klingon- Check it out! I haven’t laughed this hard in quite a while….This whole Miley Cyrus twerking thing doesn’t say much for the intellegence of our race here on earth. We all know she’s trying to make her lame music somewhere by rubbing her scuzzy ass rear end all over Alan Thicke’s mentally challenged son! Talk about serious growing pains! Jeez people are more concerned about these talentless pop star nimrods behavior than a possibility of the United States starting war with Syria! I guess it’s no use as we can’t change the behavior of our lame ass Gov’t or these idiotic pop star douche bags who somehow get force fed to us daily by the media-so if you can’t beat em’ join em’ I guess, or at least give them major shit!
Ben Affleck is the New BATMAN?!

August 23, 2013

Yep-seems that we have a new Batman again, not the perfect choice of Joseph Gordon Levitt but Ben Affleck as USA Today has just reported! Not sure what to think about this, I suppose Affleck has gotten to be better through the years. Somehow though I just can’t erase that wretched Daredevil flick from 2003 from my mind! I can’t say I’m thrilled but everyone deserves a chance at redemption right?! Ok Ben, don’t fuck this one up!!!

Ok, though let’s NOT forget this bullshit though ok?
Andre the Giant &The Lost Princess Bride Scene!!

August 17, 2013

Ha ha well ok you got me, it’s not a lost Princess Bride scene but it does feature the late, great wrestling superstar Andre the Giant going crazy for giant Honeycomb cereal as his persona from the movie!

I remember when this cereal came out-it was all the rage, anything made bigger back then was always better! I think this commercial is from around the time he appeared in The Princess Bride! A nice little reminder of how bad ass the 80’s were!
Wolverine’s Secret Obesession with…Gerber Baby Products?!

August 16, 2013

Check this out, this was from the “1993 Marvel Annual Financial Report” that they sent out specifically to people who bought stock in Marvel. For some reason, Marvel seems to be connected to Gerber Baby products-we see this first with this image from Wolverine’s shrouded mysterious past-little did we know he was so fucking pumped up about Gerber stuff! Maybe he just heard the news about Daken? Or maybe he just loves babies?! Check it out!!

Also it seems Wolverine ain’t the only one mesmerized by Gerber stuff! Iron Man Flips out when he get’s a glimpse of the Gerber Baby!!

You can actually buy a copy of the Marvel Financial Report on Amazon, check it here!
The Conspiracy: Creepy Creepy Rich People Attack!

August 11, 2013

I’ve been reading a lot of info lately on Bohemian Grove, the two week long retreat in Monte Rio California set up exclusively for the richest most powerful men in the world. It’s guests include people like George Bush, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Richard Nixon and many more politicians and corporate icons. What do they do there?

Apparently they discuss business and political deals, talk about the “Little Men” which are people like me and most likely you and the rest of the general populace, drink, run around naked, do drugs and enjoy some strange rituals like the “Cremation of Care”. Sounds crazy huh? Well it’s true and it’s been going on for a long time. It’s gathered so much attention through the years that Occupy San Francisco has been showing up to protest their secret meetings.

Love him or hate him, In 2000 Alex Jones infiltrated the compound and exposed first hand the “Cremation” ritual with a camera he smuggled in. It was a bit of “big news” that year, and even if you think Jones is full of shit, no one can deny that his video is pretty damn captivating. Check out what happens when Jones confronts David Gergen political advisor to four Presidents Clinton, Nixon, Ford and Reagan. It’s a pretty chilling reaction, but it’s toward the end of his interview just as Gergen starts to get a little too comfy…

So Bohemian Grove sounds like something right out of a crazy horror movie huh? Well there’s a cool looking flick coming out soon called “The Conspiracy” that looks truly creepy. What if some people like Alex Jones while infiltrating a place like Bohemian Grove were discovered by it’s guests? Well it seems this movie, a mockumentary, gives us a chilling possibility of what that might look like. The clip on Dread Central kinda freaked me out, check it out as this movies already got stellar reviews. Now I’m not a huge Conspiracy theorist, but I must say a lot of this stuff really intrigues me and I do believe there’s some truth to much of these ideas. The funny thing is people are becoming much more interested about what these high powered fat cats are doing behind closed doors. People want to know what they’ve got planned for the masses as even of late the protests at the Bilderberg meetings. So this flick is going to be right up my alley let’s just hope it’s not too close to the truth!!!
Hardcore SCOOBY DOO horror!

August 10, 2013

I checked out the much hyped indie flick “Saturday Morning Mystery” the other evening with high hopes. In case you have no idea what this new movie is all about it can be summed up pretty simply: live action Scooby Doo in an R-rated horror flick. Sounds pretty fantastic right? It’s clearly a pretty great idea but beware, these characters though clearly based on the cartoons aren’t really the comic relief you might be expecting. This is a more realistic take on the group, so don’t expect the dog, named Hamlet to be talking in this one. The rest of the characters are more true to life as well Floyd(Shaggy) smokes weed and does acid, Chadwick(Fred) & Gwen(Daphne) have wild sex and Nancy(Velma) has a crush of her own on one of the team members.

The movie starts out pretty strong, with the gang investigating a haunted house, but soon like the cartoon find that behind the curtains are just some normal yet truly sick people. They’re even reprimanded by the police for messing up their covert operation-those meddling kids!! It’s not long before the gang is running low on funding for their paranormal investigations so they decide to tackle one last case in hopes of maybe discovering something supernatural before throwing in the towel. Their last case leads them in their vintage van to an abandoned “haunted school” where there’s rumors of satanists and ghosts within it’s walls.

There’s not too much more I can or should tell you about the story. It’s got a few twists and turns and for the the most part is a pretty solid horror flick with a great premise. However I think the premise of this film is by far it’s strongest attribute. If you take away the whole “Scooby Doo” theme there honestly wouldn’t be a heck of a lot to really separate this from anything else out there. To me they could have benefited by adding a little more comedy, naivety and color to the characters and the story. There could have been more of “Scooby” or Hamlet I should say, in the story as it seemed maybe the film was played a little too real, at least for what I was hoping for.

I also hoped for the sets to be a bit more interesting, it’s have been cool to see them an truly unique and colorful haunted setting. An old haunted school should have looked and felt more like it would have in the cartoon, but perhaps it wasn’t in the budget? The settings (at the very least the inside of the school) were a bit bland for my expectations. The film takes a turn in it’s third act and gets gory and gritty and this really would have been more effective had out gang acted a little more like their cartoon counterparts. At times it brought to mind say “Night of the Demons” or “Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2” but clearly operating on a lower level. “Evil Dead meets Scooby Doo” is what Aint it Cool News called it-not quite. In the end though I think it was a decent, solid effort that doesn’t quite live up to the hype. On a more positive note, I gotta give it best movie concept of the year!
Jake Busey is Most Certainly NOT Rutger Hauer!!

August 7, 2013

It was finally time to check out a sequel for one of my fave horror movies of all time, The Hitcher! Yep, what many people don’t know is that they did indeed make a sequel for the 1986 classic. No, this ain’t a sequel to the highly un-needed 2007 remake. “The Hitcher 2: I’ve Been Waiting” came out in 2003, yeah it took me ten years to finally become curious enough in this movie to check it out. Perhaps this sudden interest came in a recent conversation about the films villain, played by none other than Jake Busey.

So some might think, a sequel for The Hitcher might just be about some random folks who pick up another crazed hitchhiker. Well what kind of sequel would that really be?! Nope! This one succeeds on one level, by bringing C. Thomas Howell, the original’s hero, Jim Halsey back! Now that’s what I like to see in a sequel, the original star power return. However cool this seems it makes you wonder how in holy hell Jim Halsey could realistically ever pick up another hitchhiker after the crazy shit that went down in the original?!!

To me, it didn’t really matter at first because it was just pretty cool seeing him onscreen 17 years later, as the same character and seeing just what the hell that character was up to. Turns out he was a cop, he flies planes and he’s a little crazy. Rightfully so! Halsey has been struggling still with those visions of the events of the original film shown in flashbacks throughout. He’s wound so tight that he decides to go on a road trip with his girlfriend, flying there in his plane and then picking up a car to drive down that same highway Rutger Hauer terrorized him on in 1986!

Sounds good thus far right? Well things get real stupid REAL quick folks. Yep it doesn’t take long before they see a man crash his motorcycle and then jump onto the side of the road……..yeah….hitchhiking!!! Now there’s no WAY Halsey would ever pick up another one of these guys right?! WRONG! His girlfriend talks him into it and there you have it, motherfuckin’ Jake Busey and his big ass teeth sitting in the back seat of the car. BAD bad news. Now what are the god damn chances that the one hitchhiker Jim Halsey sees after driving the damn car for like 15 minutes down the road would be a god damn psychotic serial killer?!! Apparently Halsey is a hitchhiking serial killer magnet! The sheer absurdity of this damn story line is almost brilliant! This movie is just so damn stupid I couldn’t turn the shit off!

Let me make this point clear as day Jake Busey is most certainly NOT Rutger Hauer!! Busey’s attempt at recreating Hauer’s intensity is laughable at best. He gives a ton of lame ass one liners every chance he gets and comes across as an incredibly irritating nitwit rather than remotely frightening. When Hauer was in the car it made you cringe, but when Busey’s in the back seat you just wanna slap the shit out of him for acting like such a nimrod.

So what follows really is pretty forgettable. It’s kinda the same plot as the first one, with maybe one unexpected event to keep it mildly disappointingly interesting. Hell Busey even uses the whole “finger in the french fries” schtick in this one too as each and every turn of the film ends up with some moronic dialogue with Busey somehow convincing the cops he’s just an innocent bystander. Perhaps they just thought he was mentally challenged? Oh yeah and let’s not forget they throw in the “roped to the semi” shit again too. But as with most everything this film delivers it never amounts to anything remotely interesting just to more shitty dialogue from the oh so “crazy” Busey. I’d say this one is a full on grade A suck fest and the only reason to check this out is to see C. Thomas Howell as Jim Halsey one last time. If you’re a fan of moronic sequels that fail miserably this one is a MUST see!!!
Indiana Jones is Expendable?!

August 7, 2013

This is pretty crazy news, that by now everyone knows, but really Harrison Ford joining the Expendables 3 is quite a surprise! This clearly is going to add a different dimension to the movie and give it some serious star power. It certainly seems as if Sly is going for it again with his casting but what does this mean for Ford’s character? Is he a villain? Part of the team? I’m hoping that injecting him into the movie will perhaps bring on a more “adventurous” vibe to the movie, maybe having him play slightly off his Indiana Jones role and taking the team to some truly amazing remote places! How cool would it be if they had to hire him as a guide for the team in search of some strange artifact of some sort.

Perhaps his involvement means what Stallone mentioned, that the third film might shift genres? I for one hope Ford brings the team into new territory and that the movie does shift into maybe a more sci-fi element, or even better as was predicted, the movie may be based on the discarded “Rambo 5” script “The Savage Hunt”. The ideas for that was that Sly and his team have to hunt down a genetically modified mutant super soldier gone psycho. Now I’d pay to see that! Let’s hope this is the case and that Ford is their guide into the jungles where he or rather it is hiding! Come on Stallone make it happen!!!
Absent Minds: Portland’s Krusty Kids!

July 30, 2013

I had to take a second of your time today to put up a cool new video from local Portland Oregon punks Absent Minds new video “Krusty Kids”!

It’s a helluva lot of fun and I got a chance to see these guys play last week and they were great, blending their 90’s style punk ala NOFX & Lagwagon during their heyday but putting their own spin on it while incorporating a cello into the sonic mayhem. Check it out!