Universal Dork

The Most Unsuccessful Blog on the 'Net Since 2009!

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  • Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter Trailer Finally Hits!

    Ok so let me first say that I thought Abe Lincoln in reality was pretty much a total dickhead. Yeah normally when you think of him from what we “learned” in school he’s thought of as man who ended slavery. While that’s essentially true what is often not spoken of is the fact that he actually was a racist weenie.

    Don’t believe it do a little quick research and you can find out how this jerk really felt about the whole situation here are a few of his words you can easily find in seconds upon searching:

    “I will say then that I am not, nor ever have been in favor of bringing about in any way the social and political equality of the white and black races [the crowd applauds] – that I am not nor ever have been in favor of making voters or jurors of negroes, nor of qualifying them to hold office, nor to intermarry with white people, and I will say in addition to this that there is a physical difference between the black and white races which I believe will forever forbid the two races living together on terms of social and political equality. And inasmuch as they cannot so live, while they do remain together there must be the position of superior and inferior and I as much as any other man am in favor of having the superior position assigned to the white race.”

    -Abraham Lincoln, 1858

    Yeah what a prick huh? Well that kinda sours a movie hitting the theaters soon for me, Abraham Lincoln:Vampire Hunter. I just watched the trailer today and it looks pretty rad! This is obviously a fictionalized Lincoln, kinda like a What If? comic. Like what if Lincoln wasn’t a racist douche and actually fought vampires?!

    I love the period of the movie and the fact that Russian director Tim Bekmambetov, who’s most well known for the Night Watch & Day Watch movies that were a good time, though not quite as epic as I had hoped they’d be. Also the movie is produced by Tim Burton, not that that means anything to anyone anymore after movies like Alice in Wonderland and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.So far it looks great and at the very least it’ll be a fun one in the theater…but really do we need more fictionalized versions of Lincoln the liberator? Not really but I’ll for two hours pretend this guy wasn’t a total A-hole…..

  • The New Spider-Man Trailer-What Do You Think?!

    So yeah everyone is obviously talking about the new Amazing Spider-man trailer, by now I have watched it several times and I honestly think it looks alright! Now that’s not to say I am thrilled by this flick, I have to come clean here I am actually pretty damn sick of big budget Hollywood comic book movies. They are downright disposable and really don’t have a lot of staying power. I mean that by saying when seeing them a second time the initial thrill has worn off and these big budget plastic films are kind of a bore actually. They are pumped full of rubbery looking cg and safe predictable story lines.

    So yeah the new Spider-man trailer looks slightly better that what I was expecting, if looks leaps better than Raimi’s shlock that’s for sure. I still don’t like the costume, you know the one Peter Parker made from a bunch of deflated basketballs? The Lizard looks ok so far, from what I can tell he’s either largely CG or entirely which doesn’t excite me the least. In fact most of the action sequences I have seen so far look like a video game. Garfield looks pretty good as Parker and it seems the story should at least be good upon first viewing. Oh yeah and kudos to them giving him his self invented web shooters!

    I have to say though I would have loved for Marvel to bring a new super hero to life, perhaps Moon Knight, Doctor Strange, The Black Panther or Iron Fist even. Just personally kinda still not over the last three Spidey movies fully. So here we go again already, I will definitely be seeing this in the theaters but honestly I’m not totally stoked on the idea.

    I am excited for The Avengers movie, mostly because of Whedon’s involvement, hoping that perhaps he brings us the memorable movie I have always dreamnt of. Lastly I really would like to see some smaller scale superhero movies made, something gritty and more real world feeling. Not real world as in realistic but rather something that doesn’t feel like a bunch of people in front of a green screen the entire movie. Something inventive, with feeling that really transplants you into the pages of a comic book…

  • Casey Jones / TMNT Movie!

    Not sure if this is totally old news to all of you TMNT fans out there but it’s news to me, I just recently saw this awesome trailer for the fan made (Polaris & Hilarion Banks) Casey Jones movie! It looks pretty awesome actually and supposedly there is a whole film which I assume is a short film out there online for anyone to view for free. I went to the official website but I couldn’t get it to download. I will check it again later and see if I have better luck the second time. Supposedly it has Robbie Rist the original voice of Michaelangelo from the movies reprising his role and for anyone who doesn’t know he was also Cousin Oliver on the Brady Bunch!

    Anyway I haven’t been able to find too much more info about this film but it looks great. I also heard finally that Michael Bay is rebooting the TMNT franchise?! Uggh please nooooo! That hack will yet ruin another one of my childhood favorites with his wretched CG ridden summer slop-buster mentality!

    If we get a new Turtles film it had better be dark and gritty like the original series! In the meantime I’ll take this fan made version over any pile of steaming shit Bay tries to serve me!

  • Old School Comic Artist That Need to Come Back: Michael Golden!!

    Surely comic book fans have not forgotten about Michael Golden?! If so you need a goddamn refresher in a bad way! Don’t get me wrong there are some amazing artists out there in comics today-but lets not forget about the old dogs! Seriously where have some of these guys disappeared to?! If we can get John Romita Jr doing tons of new comics we should be able to get Michael Golden back in the limelight?! It really only takes one glimpse at this incredible posted he did back in the early 80’s to solidify my point- “The Merry Marching Confusion” mail order only poster is still one of my favorite pieces of artwork ever, I ordered it back in the day through the mail and the poster still graces my wall in my room! I laminated it a few years ago as I was afraid it was falling apart, but seriously check it out! San you name them all? Give it a try!

    Most of Mikes art was most popular through the late 1970’s and early 80’s. Probably most well known for his work on the Micronauts and his art for the immensely popular The ‘Nam, Vietnam war series put out in 1986 by Marvel golden was a comic superstar. He kinda disappeared from the scene in the 1990’s but later returned in the 2000’s doing some cover art for DC.

    He also is responsible for the Danzig & Samhain logos that were lifted off of the background for the lesser know Crystar issue #8. Funny to picture good ol’ Glenn reading Crystar and playing with the awesome action figures in the 80’s!! Gotta love Danzig’s dorkdom though!!

    So where is Golden today? Well to my surprise it seems he is on the scene recently becoming the relaunched Spawn’s regular cover artist as well as plenty more for Marvel! Glad to see he’s back kicking ass again…

    Wait since when does The Hulk only have four toes?!

  • Step Aside Nerdcore Rappers and Make Some Room for Lisel!

    I love the Nerdcore genre of hip hop! Geez I wonder why huh? Well check out this clip from the yet unreleased short film “Writing Lyrics”. It’s a pretty amazing rap that’s sure to put a smile on any dorks dice rollin’ face. There’s really not too much info out there on this film or it’s story (all I really know is it’s about a LARPin’ rapper who feels out of place in world), but judging from this clip alone it’s bound to be a lot of fun. “Lisel” in the clip is a Portlander here and recently mentioned to me that she’s planning to start kicking out the jams again this year-I guess we’ll see if she continues rapping about multi sided dice & LARPing (I hope so) but in the meantime keep your eyes peeled for more info about the film-hopefully it will someday be released….

  • Alpha Flight Sadly Doesn’t Quite Make the Mark…

    Being a huge Alpha Flight fan I was somewhat saddened by the news today that Alpha Flight is no longer going to be an ongoing series as recently announced. It seems that all we are going to get right now is the recent limited series which was for the most part a pretty fun solids ride. It was great to have all the original characters back again-and even better that Major Maple Leaf was no where in sight! Still however I think that Alpha Flight could have been and should have been even better this time around.

    It seems to me that no one can make it quite as interesting as the original series by John Byrne. Heck we even got Wolverine making a cameo in this last run-yeah yeah I know Wolverine is everywhere these days, but one place he really needs to be is Alpha Flight as he was once a member and has a crazy history with the group. I for one think he needs to quit the Avengers and hell maybe even the X-men and head back to his roots in Canada. How awesome would that be? Become a full fledged member again? At the very very least I think there should be a series, much like the current Captain America & Bucky, that chronicles his past with the team from when Mac and Heather Hudson (his other red headed obsession) found him. How about that Marvel?

    Either way I am pretty disappointed Marvel went back on their decision to make Alpha a mainstay monthly. From what I hear in the latest issue though is that two Alpha members are going to make a major impact on the X-universe. My guess is it’s Northstar and Aurora, but they quite honestly have had their chance, Northstar already was a member of the X-men and Aurora part of the Weapon X series….My hope would be for Sasquatch, Puck or Snowbird. Either way I hold hope someday someone will truly do justice to the team as their stories could be right up there with any superhero team around today! Long Live Alpha Flight!!

  • Friday the 13th Meets The Karate Kid: 1985’s The New Kids!

    This last Friday night I had myself a little movie night by myself, real exciting beginning to a weekend huh? Well that’s the life of a dork sometimes I guess. But honestly it could have been a total bust as I have learned many times as I am constantly taking chances on movies trying to find the hidden gems of yesteryear. Usually I end up with some total crap ass movies-the kind that aren’t even good in a bad way, but this time little did I know I was in for a treat!

    Well my double feature started out pretty good with 1994’s Brainscan, starring Edward Furlong. This one turned out to be a pretty fun little movie where Furlong orders a new state of the art interactive “video game” from Fangoria magazine and it ends up subliminally turning him into a vicious killer. It also introduces one of the lameest movie monster villains I’ve seen in quite some time, the amazingly not scary at all “Trickster”.

    This jerk off is about on par with The Wishmaster if you get my drift. Still it was a decent movie despite some really shitty 1994 CG.

    The next movie however was the real deal, Sean “Friday the 13th” Cunningham’s movie “The New Kids” was a real treat all the way back from 1985.


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  • Chuck Norris Brings Us The Expendables 2…..For Kids?!!

    What the HELL?! I was pumped about The Expendables 2 – I really enjoyed the first one and I really loved most of all that it was a throwwback to movies like Commando, Cobra and Delta Force of the 80’s. However I felt there was still something missing from the first installment-that’s where the hope for a perfect throwback action film was invested in the sequel. The sequel which now adds Ah-nold and Bruce Willis in larger roles also boasts the addition of Jean Claude Van damme and Chuck Norris to it’s ranks. It all sounded absolutley perfect until today when it was announced that the movie would be getting a PG-13 rating!!! What the hell!?? Who’s responsible for this B.S. move you ask?!

    Well none other than Chuck Norris!!! Supposedly he signed on to the movie only if it would be “kid friendly”. He is opposed apparently to any foul language or cursing that could offend children. Well I don’t need to hear everyone cursing every five seconds, that’s not what worries me-it honestly the gore level that concerns me-I mean did you all see the last Rambo movie?! Now that was one crazy comically gory action movie-Sly delivered the goods. The Expendables was pretty damn over the top too-but with this movie Sly promised it’d be the comically violent, over the top, dumb, one liner action flick everyone was hoping for from the start. Unfortunately Norris had to go and get all Walker Texas Ranger on us all with The Expendables 2….hmmm… well now actually that could end up being pretty damn fun. We’ll see I guess but one thing I never thought was that the sequel was going to go soft on us…In the end this could be more what The Expendables 2 end up playing out as!

  • The New Hulk Series: Far From Incredible!

    You all must know how disappointed I have been with the Incredible Hulk in the comics for the last few years, the Red Hulk, A-Bomb, The Incredible Hulks….Uggh! I just couldn’t stand it! So naturally I was pumped to have all of that bull shit wrapped up with the mess that was made of the Hulk over the years when I heard that Hulk was going to get a new writer and start over again at number one with Jason Aaron and Mark Silvestri on board. Now here we are at issue number four and I have got to say my attention is seriously faltering.

    The concept seemed interesting enough, well sorta, Hulk and Banner have split into two different entities and are at odds with each other. Well too bad John Byrne already did this in his short but brilliant stint / story arc way back in the 80’s. But well we all know how original ideas are hard to come by now days…anyway what we have ended up with is a long haired bearded Hulk who lives in the crust of the earth with the mole men and a psychotic dick of man, Bruce Banner who lives on an the gamma Island of Doctor Moreau. Seriously borrowing a bit TOO much there from Moreau-it’s almost sickening. But hey what the hell right it’s the Hulk?

    Well for some reason Banner is trying to turn into the Hulk again but it ain’t working and he’s become a mad man, sending his Doc Moreau clones after the real Hulk and pissing him off. So the Hulk decides to go after Banner once and for all…oh yeah the Hulk is intelligent again. How the hell is it determined these days if he’s a mindless monster, a child like brute or an intelligent bad ass? I have been confused for years about this all. Anyway Amanda Von Doom (no relation to Doctor Doom, apparently that’s a common last name?!) has gotten the Hulk to help her destroy Banner because her group of assassins takes down mad scientists exclusively. How convenient huh?

    Now they head toward Gamma Banner Moreau island and get attacked by Hulk Sharks, Hulk bats, Hulk Tiger men ect. It’s a pretty weak story if you ask me…I almost prefer Abomb to this really. Then there’s a question of the art, I used to like Silvestri, but today his sketchy art reminds me more of slightly talented Rob Liefeld, I also don’t really dig the long haired handsome bearded “hunk” Hulk that is portrayed here-or for that matter the “old Hulk” they for some reason draw on the cover with his “foot ball player / meat head high top” bowl cut. To make matters worse they have got Whilce Portacio stepping in on issue #4 for some seriously crap-tas-tic artwork that’d make Liefield cringe in his Levi’s 501’s & Doc Martens. I think I just have to say it-the Hulk sucks again!!! How is that possible? Am I crazy Hulk fans?! Have I gone mad and this shit is actually brilliant?! I am hoping this story ends soon and a new writer and artist take it over….hey Mantlo, Stern, David, Jones, Byrne and Buscema rescue me from this ongoing Hulk Nightmare!!

  • Khan Gets Down in the Dancehall!

    The time has come once again to shamelessly self promote myself! Hey somebody has got to do it – anyway I just posted my youtube slide show for the “Wrath of Khan” a song by Mister Saturday. It’s a reggae dancehall retelling of the history of Khan Noonien Singh, the greatest Star Trek foe of all time.

    For a while this was the theme song for the Official Star Trek convention’s Myspace page. Remember that website? Me neither really…anyway sit back light one up, pour yourself a glass of ice cold Andorian ale and check out this track from the world first and only nerdcore dancehall artist…