Universal Dork

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  • Michael Bay Destroys Our Childhood Nostalgia & I Don’t Care!!

    I really don’t spend too much time thinking about Michael Bay or the fact that he likes to takes everything we loved from our yesteryears as children and teenagers and turns them into a pile of dirty Depends. Really the more I think about it all the more I really really just don’t care anymore! Yeah he had a shot at making an amazing Transformers movie but did you really think anyone in mainstream Hollywood was going to make some totally cool movie version really in this day and age?

    Fat chance, every now and again we get something really good these days like The Dark Knight or Hellboy II from Hollywood. But all you fanboys and gals out there need to get over it and move on already! You want to watch a good Transformers movie? Then watch the classic Transformers movie from the 80’s! Are you pissed that Bay has got his hands on the Teenage…or um, sorry excuse me, “Ninja Turtles” franchise? Well then read the original series from the mid 1980’s because you know what? They already fucked up the film when they made it in 1990, I remember back in the day I thought the movie was a watered down shitty ass kiddie version of the dark themes of the original books.

    Sure today I accept it and even have a soft spot for the live action cheez of the early 90’s TMNT films complete with Vanilla Ice lets not forget. Sure Bay making a movie will suck big time of course but it’s not like it’s going to be competing against cinematic genius of the original Turtles movies!

    So yeah now he’s going to make some Halloween movies. He’s already ruined Freddy, Jason & Leatherface so for him to leave out Mike Myers would be sorta just incomplete in the grand scheme in the shittiest way possible. Besides Rob Zombie already put a lame spin on the franchise when he tried to remake them!

    So really at this point who cares? Personally I’m a little tired of Michael Myers anyway I mean the guy doesn’t even speak for cryin’ out loud. People now do you all really need to see him in yet another damn film anyway?! I mean we’ve got like ten films as it is!! Same really goes for Freddy, Jason, Leatherface, Chucky ect ect ect….I if want to see a good film I’ll watch the originals. I just don’t care anymore-I’m tired of schlock that they try to spoon feed us-so you know what? I just am not going even bother anymore. Personally there are a lot more exciting things going on that are new and fresh ideas-Did you all see Attack the Block last year? Or Tucker & Dale Vs. Evil? There are still NEW ideas out there being made that are great. But people don’t expect Hollywood to churn out classics anymore of your favorite childhood nostalgia-watching these major blockbuster movies is like eating shitty junk food and washing it down with some neon colored extreme Gatorade. Sooner or later you’re gonna puke and instead eat something that in the end is better for you and made with a little more care.

    So I say Michael Bay, Tim Burton & all you other modern day hacks eat your heart out-go crazy-remake it all! Rob our childhoods! I probably won’t even notice that it’s happening because I have got the classics still and can’t wait for the next new fresh ideas to hit the screens or my dvd player. But the rest of you people stop going and see all this shitty cinema and then complaining! You are all the reason that he keeps on making more shit in the end….

  • The OTHER April Fools Horror Flick!

    I supposed everyone today has HUGE plans to watch the awesome “April Fool’s Day” horror flick from 1986 tonight huh?! What? Maybe not? Well speak for yourself folks-I’ll most likely be popping that one in later this evening-but for you out there that do actually give a shit there’s another April Fool’s movie from ’86 called Slaughter High. Never seen it?

    Well if you are gonna check this one out today is the perfect day-it was originally set to be called April Fool’s Day here in the USA but it seems the other movie beat them to the punch, though in Japan it’s know by that title as Vestron video released.

    Anyway this one is a true gem for any 80’s horror fanatic! It really has it all and is super over the top more so than most slasher films of that era. It’s jam packed with the most asinine group of teens / future adults you’re likely to see in the eighties! So when they do kick the bucket, and boy do they ever in the best ways possible, it’s a helluva good reward to see! It’s also got a disfigured enraged nerd in a jester clown suit running rampant for revenge through the school halls! This movie could be next on my list for bad movie night because it’s one of the best! If you don’t believe me check out the trailer and see for yourself!

  • Truly Strange Celebrity Comic Book Appearances! Part 2!

    So guess who else was immortalized into a comic book back in 1984? None other than David Letterman! Yeah he made his first comic book appearance in The Avengers #239! It seems that Wonder Man used his connections as an actor to get the team on Late Night’s most popular television show! However this appearance is no cake walk for the team as the dastardly super villain Fabian Stankowicz aka The Mechano Marauder attacks the team on live television with his crazy ass gadgets! He then takes the guest seat and chats with Letterman about how his plan is foiling The Mighty Avengers in front of a live audience.

    The Avengers who are unable to take down Fabian due to a force field he’s got surrounding him and Dave-so yes folks it’s up to Letterman to take matters into his own hands and steal the show! This issue sounds pretty ridiculous huh?

    Well it was one of those “assistant editor” issues that came out in ’84 where you basically got a zany issue of the unpredictable! Damn those were the days back in the 80’s! Also Paul Shaffer is seen in the issue rockin’out-folks next time you’re back issue shopping grab up this little gem of an issue!

  • An Old School Take on the Upcoming Avengers Movie!

    Check out this animated fan made trailer of the upcoming Avengers movie put together with old school 1960’s animated clips! Pretty funny and really would have close to perfect if they could have somehow found an older version of Nick Fury (this one here is from 1995) as it looks a little out of place with the rest. In the defense of the people who threw this together though it was the first time Fury was animated…still a nice treat for dorks like myself-check it!!

  • Truly STRANGE Celebrity Comic Book Appearances!! Part 1!

    I am going to do a little research here to find out the most bizarre celebrity appearances in comic books over the years-believe me there are some weird ones! This first week will focus on the legendary comic book appearance of Alice Cooper that took place in 1979 in Marvel Premiere #50!!

    This is a pretty fun comic book altogether with some great artwork and zany story that follows our hero Alice as he tries to escape from the mental ward where he’s basically abused by “The Doctor” the story’s villain. It seems ol’ Alice just can’t catch a break here as he’s foiled again and again.

    The comic book adventure is titled “From the Inside” and is based on the album of the same name. This wasn’t the last appearance of Alice in a Marvel Comic book he actually returned again in 1994 for a 3 part mini series written by Neil Gaiman called The Last Temptation which accompanied his album of the same name. So Alice is a certified Marvel character! Check them out!

  • The Two Most Outrageous Upcoming Action Flicks!!

    Well here are a couple action flicks I dare any major studio to try and beat! Sorry Stallone I am sure your upcoming PG-13 Expendables II will be fun but in comparison “The Raid: Redemption” it’s going to most likely end up looking like an episode of GI Joe from the eighties! But so far from what I heard The Raid is being hailed as arguably the best action flick of all time. So far by seeing several clips and hearing the synopsis it’s quite possible this Indonesian film will win the medal!

    “Deep in the heart of Jakarta’s slums lies an impenetrable derelict apartment building which became a safe house for the world’s most dangerous killers and gangsters. The rundown apartment block has been considered untouchable to even the bravest of police. Cloaked under the cover of pre-dawn darkness and silence, an elite team is tasked with raiding the building in order to take down the notorious drug lord who runs it. But when a chance encounter with a spotter blows their cover and news of their assault reaches the drug lord, the building’s lights are cut off and all exits are blocked. Stranded on the 6th floor with no way out, the unit must fight their way through the city’s worst criminals to survive their mission.”

    The next movie looks like it just has to be seen to be believed. It’s opening this week in Portland Oregon where I live and yeah well it looks like the most ridiculous action movie of all time. “The FP” involves two rival gangs who do battle by way of deadly games of Dance Dance Revolution. Yeah you heard that right somehow you can die by playing this game, I am not sure how but apparently in this movie anything can happen!

    Obviously this movie wasn’t meant to be taken seriously-but if it had been it would have been even more brilliant! Listen to some of the dialogue for cryin’ out loud! I am not sure if the idea loses it’s charm quickly in this movie but I am willing to bet you never see anything quite like it ever again! This is the “Rocky” of lame dance games! Check it!

  • Is There an Alternate Version of “The Thing” 2011 Prequel?

    I finally got around to watching “The Thing” 2011 prequel I have been trying to avoid for so long. The original 1982 movie of the same name is probably my favorite monster movie of all time! So giving this new movie a chance after hearing about how shitty it was really was a hard thing to do-but I decided to see for myself if the movie sucked as bad as the reviews suggested. My verdict? Yeah it was pretty damn sucky.

    First of all this movie was really not much of a prequel. It was basically a remake that tried to do everything the original did but just ten times less impressive. Sure it linked at the end to the Carpenter version but overall this movie didn’t bring anything new to the table. The story was pretty bland, as were the characters even though the movie was pretty well shot and looked very similar to the original-all except for the special effects.

    Now we all know that the 1982 version is really the king of practical monster effects. It still remains to this day as perhaps the most creepy and realistic looking effects on screen. The new version however looked as fake and pathetic as ever. Like something out of DOOM interacting with real people. But was it always meant to be that bad? I guess not. The movie originally boasted that no CGI would be used and from what I have read 80% of it was shot with bad ass practical monster effects. Then when the movie was show to the studio they were told the monsters were too slow and they needed the monsters to be jumping around more ect. So they had to go back and reshoot and mostly cover up the old effects with CGI to give it a more modern look. By modern it ended up getting a more fake video gamey look that the kids love so much today. Anyway I am curious-is there a version out there with the original effects?! How about releasing a special edition original cut version? Well here’s a little video that shows you some of the magic that could have been in the 2011 version…

  • My New Favorite TV Series? Most Likely!

    I just simply cannot believe that up until a few minutes ago I had never heard of the Canadian TV series “Todd and The Book of Pure Evil”! I was just on Fangoria checking out another amazing review for the upcoming Joss Whedon horror flick “Cabin in the Woods” (which I am definitely going to see next month) when I stumbled upon the ad for the “Book of Pure Evil” that said “Out Now on Dvd” so I did a quick search and watched some clips from it-it looks so awesome!

    My question why has this slipped under my radar for so long? It looks like it was released in the United States last August on Fearnet, so it’s quite possible that since I don’t have cable tv and don’t plan on getting it ever, that it wasn’t in my cards to see this until it was released on dvd. Anyway I am pumped as this show looks full of monsters and mayhem-and even better yet they used all old school monster effects and little to no CG. As I watched the trailer I kept thinking “Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer” and I came to find out that it’s the effects team that was involved in that movie that worked on the first season.

    Here’s the official synopsis tell me it doesn’t sound rad:
    Todd, Curtis, Jenny, and Hannah are students at Crowley High, the only high school in a small town secretly founded by Satanists. After encountering a cursed magical tome with a mind of its own, the Book of Pure Evil, which grants the wishes of those who hold it in dark and sinister ways they didn’t intend, they team up in an attempt to track down and destroy the Book.

    It sounds and looks like something any Buffy fan is bound to love and you can see the resemblance of the book as it heavily borrows from Evil Dead II-crazy how much that movie continues to influence the genre-I will be checking this out asap-I suggest if you’re a late bloomer like me on this series that you should do the same!

  • It’s 2012 – Time to Rhyme the Current Events!

    Are you sick of hearing the same old same old news talk on CNN or Fox news? All the same old B.S. delivered and served up for us all the same way? Yeah me too, so take a second to check out the current events delivered in a little bit less obnoxious fashion-a genius rap to give you a lesson in what’s up in the world here in 2012…enjoy!

  • More Mignola Cartoons Please!!

    For those of you cartoon lovers out there I wanted to make sure that none of you missed “The Amazing Screw-on Head” from 2006. Based off of a Mike Mignola of Hellboy fame, one shot comic book of the same name from 2002. This single episode was the pilot for what was hoped to be a Sci-Fi channel original series. For whatever reason it was not picked up and we are left simply with this 22 minute episode full of brilliant animation, awesome quirky characters and a ton of action! I love Mignola and weekly read his comics and if there were more cartoons out there like this one the world would be a much better place!

    Screw-on Head is the occult robot investigator of Abe Lincoln (this ass wipe again?! don’t get me started!) who can screw his head on and off into different bodies. He then follows Lincoln’s orders to fight zombies werewolves and whatever else goes bump in the night-kinda like a prequel to BPRD. The pilot had a survey to get peoples reactions, apparently it was too out there for the masses. It even had a star studded cast of Paul Giamatti, Patton Oswalt, Molly Shannon & David Hyde Pierce. What more could you ask for people? Well anyway if like rad cartoons and have never seen this check it out – you won’t be disappointed as it looks exactly like Mignola’s artwork has jumped off of the page of one of his comics!!