Hey there! so here’s another installment of “The World’s Lamest Villains”. Today i am showcasing a villain from The Thing #7 from 1984. First off i would like to say when when The Thing finally got his own solo title in 1983 i almost pee’d my lil’ pants! He was by far one of my favorite characters as a kid and still is today which makes this installment a cool little trip down memory lane. I remember getting getting this comic at a drugstore in Oshkosh Wisconsin back then. But anyway enough about me let’s get on with the one they call GOODY TWO-SHOES!!
This guys is probably the lamest villain of all time and i think he may have been intended to be by his creator Mr. John Byrne (who is probably my all time fav artist). His real name is Sven Gollison (though i think he’s related to the Big Boy restaurant chain’s mascot dude) and he came to the USA as an inventor looking for the land of golden opportunity with his “atomic boots”. Apparently though he had some problems with immigration and was greeted as an illegal alien. This sent ol’ Goody on a bank robbin’ spree in a fit of anger leading him caught red handed by Mr. Ben Grimm. Right there in the streets of New York he was pummeled by Two-Shoes in an embarrasing battle where The Thing states “I don’t Believe it – Nobody who looks that dumb can hit that hard!”. To make matters even worse when The Thing shouts out “It’s Clobberin’ Time!” Goody merely says “Nooo…It’s Clodhopperin’ Time!” and then nails thing with a deadly dropkick!!
This epic battle continues as Goody Two-Shoes uses his atomic boots to hop up the side of the Empire State Building where his once again bests the Thing with his high powered boots plunging them both to the concrete below. Take a good look at Goody’s face-when i was reading this as a kid i was perplexed as to how this lame ass was kicking (litereally) the Things ass all over Manhattan! Well finally the Thing lays the smackdown back on him and beats him to a pulp in a dramatic ending where he rips Goody’s shoes from his feet and takes them as a “trophy like a bullfighter takin’ the ears an’ th’ tail” he continues to exclaim “He dang near killed me, but i came back swingin’! I WON!”. That day the thing perhaps faced his GREATEST foe.
Now the funny thing is that the last 5 pages of the story apparently show the thing reading this comic book and losing his shit! He heads straight to the marvel offices looking for Mr. Byrne where admits to facing Goody Two Shoes in the streets of New York but taking him out with a mere flick of a finger. They try to calm the thing down, telling him sometimes they have to “exagerate” things for the readers and Byrne tells him simply “Sometimes your life just isn’t interesting”. The Thing flips out and tears up the office in anger-but what i really want to know is which version of the story is really the truth? I vote for a Thing / Goody Two-Shoes rematch in 2009! What do you think?