Never forget……GAARD!!!

So here’s another little reminder that there are some seriously shitty villains out there in the comic book universe! Every now and then we need to give a little shout out to these guys in hopes that just maybe we’ll see their pathetic hides grace the pages of our current comic book titles. I mean who wouldn’t want to see a villain like Gaard appear in a current issue of the Fantastic Four or the Avengers?? What? You don’t know who Gaard is?? Have you been living in an icy cave with Spock for the 35 years? 

Gaard is perhaps the most crap-tastic villain to ever grace the pages of Marvel comics!! He appeared in Fantastic Four #163 in 1975 and boy does he suck! First off he spells his stupid name with two A’s. Wow that was a really genius idea huh? Second he claims he can kick someone’s ass “in a few mere milli-seconds”. What’s wrong with just a mere second? Why you gotta break it up like that Gaard? Third he hangs out alone, floating around in outer space and for some reason decided dessing like a hockey goalie would be totally bad ass. He seems to think that his lame ass hockey stick is a “cosmic spectre” as well as the complete mystery of why he was chosen to “safeguard the cosmic nexus” by Arkon the Magnificent in the first place. Wait, Iget it it must be because when he applied for the position he was hired on the spot for the simple reason his name is Gaard?!!

 The funny thing is that as he spends most of the issue kicking the Thing’s ass. But at the end of the battle Mr. Grimm, as he’s won the fight exclaims “usually, when I fight a guy I learn his origin, at least…and most times I could CARE LESS. Dunno how come I think it would’ve mattered this time..” Well maybe because he saw how fucking ridiculous this jerk off was floating around in space with a yellow and orange hockey uniform on calling himself a name as completely retarded as Gaard and wanted to fucking know why anyone would?!!! Well though the Thing is left clueless, rather unluckily we all do learn that somehow Gaard is actually an alternate reality version of Johnny Storm from a dimension called Earth-A. Yeah you’ve got to feel bad for that version of Johnny Storm as he’s clearly going to have a rough life living alone safeguarding the cosmic nexus all by his lonesome in that ridiculous costume. All I can say is that it’s a good thing nobody was there to see the smack down that Gaard layed on Ben Grimm-cuz he’d never be able to live that down at the Yancy Street Pub!!!

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2 comments

  1. Christopher

    Wow I learn so much cool shit on this site.You sir are a Marvel GURU!! Gaard is an alternate Johhny Storm…wow just wow Im with you I feel great pity for him and how shitty his life must be lol. Great post Please more obscure comic villains I could read about this all day!

  2. petersaturday

    I will get on the lame-o villains! I found one in a spiderman comic I may write about called the Schemer!!

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