Universal Dork

The Most Unsuccessful Blog on the 'Net Since 2009!

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  • From ROBOCOP to ROBOCRAP?!

    Hey isn’t it awesome we finally have gotten a good look at the new Robocop costume for the upcoming remake?! You’d think so huh? However this seems quite the contrary with this new pic that surfaced today. It feels like I just saw this new incarnation of the character recently though…like in The Dark Knight Rises!!!

    It’s not Robocop its fucking BATMAN!!! Seriously folks this is the best they could do for Robocop in 2012?! I think they forgot…um…he’s supposed to be a damn ROBOT! My verdict is a big thumbs down thus far! I don’t know about you all but I will gladly take my 80’s Robocop over this loser any day! UGGGGH Hollywood remakes….

  • Yo “Mama” Never Looked So Scary!

    I posted a little short film a couple weeks ago called “Mama” “three minutes of what the hell is going on?” freaky ass shit! Well the short clip received so much positive feedback that director Andy Muschietti got the go ahead to make the idea into a full on feature film.

    Telling the story of two little girls who lived “alone” in the woods for five years after their parents passed away. Luckily they are finally rescued, however it seems “Mama” has also come with them to their new suburban home. Check out the trailer, it’s no wonder why Del Toro got his name all over this one like the short film it looks freaky as all get out! This one will be released January 2013…

  • Comic Book Cover of the Week! All Praise Charles Vess!

    Charles Vess is one of my favorite cover artists hands down. He did some of the best Spidey covers on the 1980’s mainly with Web of Spider-man. This one from The Amazing Spider-man #261 features The Hobgoblin in all of his awesome glory! To me he’s one of Webhead’s best villains. Vess is best known probably for his fantasy illustrations and his collaboration with Neil Gaiman on books like Sandman and Stardust. For me though he’s one of my favorite Spider-man artists, giving him a darker tone when he took on the classic amazing “Black Costume”.

  • Vintage STAR TREK Commercials: Finger Lickin’ Good?!

    You can pretty much use Star Trek to sell anything! Simply because of how god damn awesome it is!

    As proof of this today I am offering up a few old school Star Trek related TV commercials from way back when-check these out!

    First Star Trek and KFC! Wow a good Kirk look-a-like huh? But is that the real Scotty?!!

    Next Star Trek and ATARI 2600! Wow the game looks so advanced huh? No wonder they need the special controller adaptor! That’s some advanced shit!!

    The cutest Western Airlines commercial! Shatner & Nimoy on vacation! How amazing would it be to find out you’ve been seated next two these two jokers!! Truly Priceless!!!

    Lastly a quick Hallmark commercial-hell even Spock needs to go Christmas Shoppin’!

  • The Expendables 3 Wish List!

    So everyone is making their “Expendables 3” wish list in hopes that the third installment will be even bigger, louder and more ridiculous than the first two. So naturally Universal Dork has got to chime in with a little wish list as well! There are already rumors about Nicholas Cage (whoopdeedoo…) joining the cast and Harrison Ford & Clint Eastwood being approached. Now that’s all fine and dandy, but for some reason Ford and Eastwood just don’t strike me as the type of actors to jump into a huge ensemble cast. Sure Danny Trejo, Carl Weathers and Kurt Russel would all be great and I know they top the majority of of the lists out there so I am am choosing a few that may have been forgotten but would be equally as awesome as any mentioned. So here’s seven actors I think should get back into the gym and start training for numereo tres!

    1. Jesse Ventura: Jesse “The Body” Ventura is one of my favorite people in the world. I loved the guy as a kid and today I love him for his political views. It’s been rumored that he may run for president in 2016 and if so he’ll definitely get my vote, so in the meantime I think Jesse needs to get his ass back into making movies, at least for this one.

    He starred alongside Arnold in Predator where his iconic line “I ain’t got time to bleed” was immortalized and again in The Running Man. He later appeared in Demolition Man with Sly so why the hell not get Ventura back to kick some ass in the next installment-he could make a great villain and when he’s finally killed in the finale Arnold could tell him “You’ve got time…….to bleed!”. Hell I should write Arnold’s future one liners!

    2. Bolo Yeung: This guy was rumored to be in the second film as a major villain, when I heard that I thought it was a genius idea but somehow it remained purely a rumor. Well if there has ever been an iconic action villain it’s him!

    Know for his gigantic pecs and his killer moves Bolo has faced off against the likes of Bruce Lee and Van Damme for cryin’ out loud! This time let’s have him and Van Damme on the same team! Bolo still has the moves & it’s time to give him one last hurrah as the series best villain yet!

    3. Grace Jones: Yeah the film needs some female presence and Grace Jones is one of the wildest women on the planet!

    She’s like seven feet tall, starred with Arnie in Conan the Destroyer, 007: A View to a Kill and could easily play a part of the Good Guys or villains in the flick. Yeah she’s that much of a bad ass-she could go toe to toe with Sly and it’d be believable. It’s time for the film to feature some ladies and she’d be perfect!

    4. Mr T: Seriously Mr. T!! He made my list for the second film but from what I’ve heard T won’t do any violent movies anymore. But he does kick ass for…Snickers?

    Well it’s time for him to get back on board with what he does best-kicking peoples asses to the moon and back! Part of The A-Team, Clubber Lang in Rocky III, Partners to Hulk Hogan in the WWF, Mr. T needs to get his head out of his ass and fast because his resume has got The Expendables 3 written all over it. Imagine the fans reaction to Mr. T? It’d be insane…

    5. Iko Uwais: Yeah I see the problem we’ve got too many old ass dudes running around doing the ass kicking. I get that. That’s why you grab the best up and coming action stars before they hit it huge here in the USA! If you don’t know who this guy is then you are in for a treat because The Raid: Redemption makes The Expendables look like Kindergarten Cop!

    Seriously Iko kicks soooo much butt it’s almost incomprehensible! Even his first movie Merantu was awesome. This Indonesian action star is a master of Silat, a truly incredible form of martial arts. He’d round out some of the old blood in the next movie quite nicely and when in action would raise the bar on the movie’s hand to hand combat sequences.

    6. Roddy Piper: Roddy is a no brainer for the third film! He needs to be in the third film. He’s loud, cocky and rowdy! He also starred in “They Live” and “Hell Comes to Frogtown” to name a few.

    He’d be perfect as hero or villain and he adds the perfect nostalgia of the 1980’s to the next installment. Plus let’s not forget he also tangled with Mr.T back in the WWF. Hint Hint….Rematch anyone?

    7. Ice-T: Yes! Ice was a great action star in the early 1990’s. “New Jack City”, “Ricochet”, Trespass and my personal favorite “Surviving The Game” where he kicked so much ass in that movie alone he deserves to star in the third installment.

    Ice has been out of the game for a while, taking more timid roles in recent years. Well Ice it’s time to get back on the saddle again. He’d most likely make a better villain than part of the team but one thing is certain it’s time for Ice to get back on the big screen. So let’s hope he gets on board…

  • Mama: The Freakiest 3 Minute Movie!

    I watched this a couple weeks ago for the first time and it scared the shit out of me! It’s a 3 minute short film called Mama, directed by Andy Muschietti and soon to be a feature length film produced by none other than Guillermo Del Toro set for release in 2013.

    It’s a freaky little clip that is sure to raise the hairs on you neck-it’s actually kinda of cool to watch for the first time because you really just have no idea what the fuck is going on check it!

    Now that you have seen the clip here’s the synopsis for the feature film via Shocktillyoudrop.com:

    “Guillermo del Toro presents Mama, a supernatural thriller that tells the haunting tale of two little girls who disappeared into the woods the day that their mother was murdered. When they are rescued years later and begin a new life, they find that someone or something still wants to come tuck them in at night.

    The day their father killed their mother, sisters Victoria and Lilly vanished near their suburban neighborhood. For five long years, their Uncle Lucas and his girlfriend, Annabel, have been madly searching for them. But when, incredibly, the kids are found alive in a decrepit cabin, the couple wonders if the girls are the only guests they have welcomed into their home.

    As Annabel tries to introduce the children to a normal life, she grows convinced of an evil presence in their house. Are the sisters experiencing traumatic stress, or is a ghost coming to visit them? How did the broken girls survive those years all by themselves? As she answers these disturbing questions, the new mother will find that the whispers she hears at bedtime are coming from the lips of a deadly presence.”

    I will be there in theaters for this one without a doubt!

  • Comic Book Cover of the Week! Don’t Leave Your Kids With Wolverine!

    Ahhhh the X-men of the 1980’s…..it just doesn’t get any better than that. Which brings me to my pick for comic book cover of the week X-men #195 drawn by Bill Seinkeiwicz. Just knowing Bill did this cover is a no brainer that’s it’s gonna totally rule. This issue features the X-men trying to save Power Pack the kiddie mutant team from the eighties from the Morlocks, the inner art of the issue is drawn by the fabulous John Romita Jr who was even more spectacular back in the 1985. Don’t worrry though folks, Katie Power wasn’t harmed by Wolvie but it did truly make for one stunning must have comic if not only for the cover alone! I miss those days of the X-men!

  • And the Academy Award Goes to….Beasts of the Southern Wild!

    I am going to say it here, Beasts of the Southern Wild is going to get best picture this year. I am so certain of this because it’s still on my mind today after seeing it last night. If you get the chance to check this film out you most certainly will not be disappointed. It’s something so beautiful, real and surreal it’s hard to fully put it into words. One thing is for certain by the end of the movie you will be balling your eyes out. It’s been quite some time since I have actually seen a movie that truly moved me in this way. I guess I would put it loosely into the same category as say Pan’s Labyrinth or maybe Where the Wild Things Are. However at it’s core it’s a much more emotional ride than either of those.

    It’s based on a small fictional bayou village who’s residents is hit hard by a hurricane and completely desolated. At the center of the story is Hushpuppy played by Quvenzhané Wallis who will probably be nominated for an Oscar even though she’s only six years old. It follows her journey as her and her father try and survive the flood while refusing to leave the area. Sounds simple enough, but the journey that follows is one of the most visually stunning put to screen. The landscape, the characters, the music is hard to erase from your mind. It feels like you’ve stepped into a different world entirely with merely the lightest tinge of fantasy thrown into the story as the beastly creatures that appear from time to time in the story only enhance the fact that you may be seeing things from a slightly skewed perspective of a six year old. This movie blew my mind and even more so was the fact this was director Benh Zeitlin’s first feature length film as were the films two major players Quvenzhané Wallis and Dwight Henry who starred as her father “Wink”.

    So if you’re looking for something special to see amidst the usual Hollywood schlock this one is a must, just be prepared for it to be floating in your mind like like a some incredible dream you can’t forget for days after…

  • Redd Kross: Power Pop Culture at it’s Finest!

    I had to take a quick minute here to mention my favorite album of 2012, Researching the Blues by Redd Kross is on heavy rotation this summer for me and I don’t see it moving far from my turntable anytime soon. After a 15 year hiatus from the studio they finally return with a brand spanking new album that has trimmed the fat and delivers ten infectiously catchy tracks of power pop. Released earlier this month on Merge records, home to bands like The Magnetic Fields, Bob Mould, Superchunk and Portland’s own Wild Flag, these punk pioneers show the kids half their age how to rock once again.

    If you’re new to Redd Kross then let me give you a quick tutorial. The name Redd Kross was inspired by the “cross masturbation scene” in The Exorcist & they even have a song dedicated to Linda Blair, the first track on their 1982 lp Born Innocent. The band formed back in 1978 by Jeff & Steven McDonald, the two bothers were only fifteen and eleven years old when they played their first gig opening for Black Flag. However by 1984 they were straying away from the hardcore sound and delving into harder edged pop, proclaiming themselves the Osmonds of punk rock covering songs by the likes of KISS, The Carpenters and The Partridge Family. Redd Kross later released Neurotica in 1987 a hard rock psych glam punk album that influenced the likes of Nirvana and Sonic Youth and is considered by most Kross fans their best work. This same line up went on to record the latest album which I personally believe is their best album to date.

    Redd Kross were and still are obsessed with pop culture mainly of the 70’s and referenced it in their music and imagery any chance they could get. Whether it was Sigmund the Sea Monster, Gary Coleman or songs about Planet of the Apes, Linda Blair or the writer of tv’s ALF’s drug addiction they always knew how to incorporate these themes into their music in some way. They were always a step ahead of the game, but by being ahead of their time it also hindered their success. Redd Kross should have been superstars. I mean how many other bands do you know feature Sofia Coppola nude on their album cover? Their album Third Eye from 1990 did just that. However by 1998 they called it quits and it was unlikely we’d ever see the band play live again.

    So today seeing them reuniting is a truly a treat, not only are they back but they released on of the best rock and roll albums of the last decade a feat most bands doing the reunion circuit can’t claim. So the record rules but do they deliver live? I just saw them in July here in Pdx and they deliver what you’d hope for, they’ve have the enthusiasm of a newly formed band. Live they’ll rock you like you’re at an arena show. So yeah these guys are back, do yourself a favor this summer get their new album and keep the sun shining all the way through winter, you won’t regret it.

  • Jeph Loeb’s Wolverine: Makin’ Shit Up As He Goes!

    Is it just me or does it kinda seem like Jeph Loeb’s kinda making shit up as he goes on the current Wolverine storyline? After reading issue number 312 I am almost certain of it! I have a theory on how he wrote this stuff and I think it took him about a total of five minutes, which I will explain, so read on!

    Now first let me quickly clarify that I kinda enjoyed his absurd “Death of Sabretooth” story arc that he had crafted years ago. I’ve gotta say it, I think Loeb is a hack storyteller. He’s somehow become extremely popular while single handedly changed Logan’s entire history by introducing Romulus, who’s supposed to be his “ultimate” nemesis. Somehow though I just can’t take Romulus seriously, every time he makes an appearance I kinda wanna just burst out into laughter! It’s odd too because I actually am kind of intrigued with the character primarily because of how stupid he is.

    Now we have another red head in Wolvie’s life, Remus, Romulus’ twin sister. She happens to have a big crush on Logan and wants him to kill her brother. Uggh…this is truly Loeb working his “storytelling magic” again.

    It been seeming to me that Loeb probably is making this shit up as he goes folks. He’s like “Let’s kill off Sabretooth! It will be super bad ass, we’ll have this bad ass sword that Wolvie needs to kill him, then we’ll have this guy Romulus who doesn’t have anything better to do with his time except orchestrate all the events of Wolverine’s life, I mean it too, he has been like secretly involved for like…ever! Yeah, yeah then we’ll have this feral mutant race, evolved from wolves, yeah, Wolverine, Sabretooth, Wild Child, Romulus hell even Sasquatch is gonna be like having this feral gene in his system, and then, then um…Wolverine kills Sabretooth!!It’s gonna be soooo epic! Oh shit Marvel wants Sabretooth now to not be dead? Shit, hmmm well let’s just say Wolverine actually killed a Sabretooth clone! Yeah that’s it…then we’ll backtrack and say Wolverine suspected that the Sabretooth he beheaded back then smelled like a fake! Then Wolverine will find out that Sabretooth is really alive and that there’s like a hundred Sabretooth clones! Shit yeah!

    Yeah then Romulus comes back….and um…hmm…shit he’s got a twin sister!! Yeah!! She’s called..um Remus! She’s a red head too cuz Logan loves red heads! She’s like in love with Wolverine too! Then let’s make Romulus dress up like Wolverine from the Weapon X days and put himself in a glass chamber! Yeaaaah! Yeah and then um…now he’s got real claws, made from like new school adamantium, it’s like stronger than the previously strongest unbreakable metal, it’s like even MORE unbreakable! Yes!!! Then let’s say, um Wolverine was actually the mastermind behind the Weapon X program?! Yes!! Yes!! What’s next? Hmmm…I’ll figure that out next month a few minutes before the issue’s deadline!!” I am pretty sure that’s how this all goes down for Loeb.

    Seems like he’s having fun putting an ridiculous spin on Wolverine’s previously rad back story…So you know what? I guess I’ll just roll with his laughable story lines an try to have some fun too. At least it’s humorous, something that Wolverines past should never be. What do you think?