Universal Dork

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  • Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2022’s Sequel Should Bring Back Ken Foree!

    I watched the new Netflix Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie a few nights ago and was surprisingly entertained with what ol’ Leatherface, (who must be pushin’ seventy by now?) served me up. That’s not to say this movie was perfect, In fact none of the sequels to the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre are anywhere near perfection. That doesn’t mean though some of them aren’t a damn good time. The 2022 sequel is clearly trying to mimic the same playbook as Halloween 2018,  Bringing back the 1974 film’s “final girl” Sally for It’s big return. Sadly the original actor, Marilyn Burns died but they did bring back her character which was kinda cool… However I think they should bring back another classic character….

    This got me thinking about where this franchise could be headed if they were looking to truly please fans. I think the perfect direction would be to piggyback off of 1990’s ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3: Leatherface’. I recently revisited that one and had a fucking great time with it & fair to say it’s imo easily the best of the sequels. One of the biggest reasons for me that it holds up so well was the addition of horror icon Ken “Dawn of the Dead” Foree to the mix. 

    It’s a real treat to see him in the 1990 sequel, an actual black character who doesn’t get picked off and killed senselessly. Most important, Ken is just a damn great actor & horror legend with a ton of onscreen charisma, Spoiler alert he survives the entire gruesome encounter of the third installment. As I’m sure you’ve probably already realized…

    I’ve heard that this new “time line” of Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022) is actually disregarding all the sequels in the same way that ‘Halloween’ 2018 did. Bad move, especially when you could bring back Ken’s iconic bad ass character ‘Benny’ into the sequel for the next installment. I could easily see him finally going to settle the score with Leatherface once he hears the news of the masked psychopath’s re-emergence in rural Texas.  Maybe Benny decides to hire a team of experts to aid him in taking them down?

    Or maybe he gives ‘final girl’ Kate Hodge aka Michelle a call to head off and hunt the bastard down for some sweet long overdue payback.

    Incorporating a living legend like Ken would give this new timeline some much needed credibility and adding Hodge  would be the icing on the cake. To help out Leatherface they could even rope in Viggo Mortensen, as he appeared as a cannibalistic killer in the 3rd installment as well. I know a lot of people have forgotten about that little tidbit over the years.

    Of course they would have to at least recognize part III in the franchise as actual cannon in this time line and why the hell not? Imagine the hunter being hunted this time, Leatherface on the run basically from a cast of characters dead set on ridding Texas of the elusive maniac. Pay attention Netflix and give Ken a call ASAP!

  • Cult Flicks in DESPERATE Need of a Blu Ray: Crazy 80s Australian Gem ‘FORTRESS’!!

    I’m back again continuing the second installment of nearly forgotten cult gems that desperately need a fancy blu ray release! Here’s one from 1985 that’s definitely ripe for the picking, a movie that I’ve owned on VHS for quite some time now that’s shockingly underrated and underseen by most cult classic cinemaniacs!

    ‘Fortress’ was released on HBO back in 1985 and later in 86′ it hit theaters in Australia where the movie was produced. It tells the simple story of a teacher (Rachel Ward) who’s tiny countryside shoolhouse comes under attack by shotgun wielding, masked psychos hell bent on taking her and the children captive, hiding them in a cave in the Australian outback.

    All goes as planned until the seemingly mild mannered teacher decides to take matters into her own hands. The tension & level of suspense are through the damn roof as it becomes abundantly clear that their captors are no push overs and aren’t afraid to pull the trigger. We’re treated to plenty of action, suspense, some truly inspiring outback locales, creepy masked bad guys (one who dons a Santa Claus mask) and a bit of a darker Amblin “kids in danger” / coming of age style shocker here as well. It becomes an epic tale of cat & mouse survival where no one is safe and its anyone’s guess who’s going to bite the bullet.


    Most notably, right around the third act the movie goes pretty off the rails when the teacher and her students become a major force to be reckoned with. Almost transforming into bloodthirsty “Lord of the Flies” territory in the shocking action packed, blood soaked finale. It’s got some excellent twists and turns that are likely to satisfy both fans of 80s action as well as horror.

    The shocking end scene becomes even more perplexing and unforgettable cementing this firmly on the forgotten list of cult gems. It’s a real treat how dark this one goes. Trust me if you’re a fan of weird 80’s horror/thriller/action hybrid flicks then this one will not disappoint! There was a DVD release of this movie a while back that’s out of print now, this makes the need for Fortress to receive a special edition blu ray even more necessary. Plus with fan favorite Rachel Ward (The Final Terror/Night School/Against All Odds) as the film’s trusty heroine you get an added edge of star power.

    Fortress packs a powerful punch and in many cases leaves you stunned and shocked by the roll of the credits. It’s a well executed unpredictable
    Ozploitation film that more genre fans need to check out, just waiting to be someone’s new favorite cult classic!

     

     

     

  • That Time The HULK Fought The HUNCHBACK of Notre Dame?!

    I was rewatching some of my favorite eighties cartoon episodes straight from my childhood recently & was reminded why The Incredible Hulk series from that era remains one of my faves! It used to be paired with ‘Spider-man and His Amazing Friends’ during the Marvel “power hour” on Saturday mornings!

     I’ve stated here a few years ago that as much as I liked The Incredible Hulk animated series of the early eighties there just wasn’t enough appearances from the jade giants rogue’s gallery. As far a real villains, he only really went head on with The Leader, Doctor Octopus oddly and the Puppetmaster. As a kid I’d always hoped to see The Abomination, The Rhino, The Bi-Beast or M.O.D.O.K. pop up to cause The Hulk some trouble. Instead in a strange twist we got an epic battle between the green goliath and of all people, The Hunchback of Notre Dame(?!) in an episode from 1982 called ‘When Monsters Meet’.

    Yep, Quasimodo for some reason showed up not only in the animated series but also in a special one shot issue from 1983 the that I still personally adore to the this day! And at a mere 60 cents you just CAN’T complain right?!

    What’s so perplexing is I could never quite figure out just why the hell they chose to pit the Hulk against him in the first place? I mean surely there were better villains to feature in an animated series! But still…

     …And really who would’ve thought that Quasimodo actually had the super human strength to go one-on-one with The Incredible Hulk in the first place?! I’m impressed! They actually managed to make him into a pretty frightening and formidable foe. Go Quasi! 

     I’m guessing that this particular one shot issue, which featured actually a pretty sweet savage battle, was created in some sort of way to generate more excitement around the animated TV series? Either that or someone was just a real BIG fan of The Fighting Irish and just simply couldn’t resist making Quasimodo into a bonafide Incredible Hulk bad-ass villain. I think the results worked shockingly well, don’t you?

    Whatever the case I just had a an 80s flashback of owning this weirdo one shot comic book beautifully illustrated by Sal Buscema and seeing this particular episode for the first time. Believe me, though an ODD choice of a story and semi stupid villain, it made me long for those Saturday mornings and sugary cereals of sooo many years past…

  • Cult Flicks In Desperate Need of a Blu Ray: 1988’s ‘WATCHERS’!

    I’ve been looking at my VHS tapes lately and have been compiling a list of some of my favorite cult horror flicks that for some god forsaken reason have still gone without an official fancy new blu ray release! One of the first movies that comes to mind is one of my all time favorite underrated gems of the late 80s, featuring Corey Haim in the lead role in this nostalgic, yet largely underseen creature feature ‘Watchers’ directed by Jon Hess (Alligator II).

     I definitely consider this to be “prime” Cory Haim and quite frankly the perfect addition to a double feature with ‘The Lost Boys’. In some ways it almost feels like an extension of Haim’s character “Sam Emerson” in The Lost Boys. He’s got his rad eighties fashion, comedic licks and hair dialed up to an 11 and really is perfectly in line with the tone of The Lost Boys. In my opinion at least, it’s a perfect campy 80s creature feature/coming of age adventure featuring teen heart throb Haim on the run with with a canine who possesses human intelligence thats escaped from a secret nearby research facility. If you’re a fan of dogs in leading roles in horror movies this is definitely a gem!

    What are they on the run from? Well, Michael Ironside and a savage mutant beast dead set on reuniting with the dog and literally destroying anything in its path of course! To put this in a nutshell, this flick is the epitome of what a series like Stranger Things is trying to desperately replicate. The Watchers is the real deal & it’s naturally got the authentic 80s “kids in danger” charm down perfectly to a T. Like an R-rated Amblin production.

     I actually also really dig the special effects on display here, there’s some cool gore and also a pretty sweet realistic, yet slightly stupid looking savage hairy monster! I really don’t mean that to be a negative either, I like the monster, he just looks kinda like a moron!

    A very realistic stupid looking monster, hey I’ll take that any day of the damn week! This movie was based on a Dean Koontz novel and spawned several sequels. My second favorite of them is 1998’s ‘Watchers Reborn’ the 4th installment which features Mark Hamill in the leading role. I’d love to see all of the sequels get a Blu-ray release as well and hoping that someone like Vinegar Syndrome or Shout Factory can grab this and give it some new gas in it’s tank.

    It was released on VHS and also an out of print combo DVD with the sequel that features “Beastmaster” Mark Singer included which is very hard to find now. So all kick ass blu ray labels out there take notice, The Watchers is the perfect movie to get into the grimy hands of some hungry horror hounds and ripe for the picken!

  • The Winter Olympics with The Hulk & Spider-man?!

    The Winter Olympics are in session and even though not a lot of people seem to be particularly interested this year I thought it would be cool to showcase a classic GIGANTO comic book cover that features a sporting event that’s WAY more up my alley!

    The Winter Olympics featuring The Incredible Hulk versus Spider-man center stage! Now that’s one event that I’ll show up for any time of the the damn year!

    This particular issue is presented in one of my favorite formats that Marvel used to put out, the gigantic treasury edition comic books were absolutely nuts to have as a child! This was an epic issue from 1980 that had a sweet back cover as well featuring some Olympic Winter Mole Man mayhem!

  • Does the NEW Luke Skywalker Truly Have What it Takes?!

    I wanted to quickly give my two damn cents worth here about The Book of Boba Fett’s controversial Luke Skywalker appearance! This was much more than a cameo as you already know by now and its got people talkin’ for sure.

     I’ve gotta say, as much as I’m normally against using CGI to replace real actors, the Luke Skywalker that showed up was indeed pretty amazing!  A 1000% improvement from what we got at the end of The Mandorian: Season 2. If I didn’t know any better I probably would’ve thought he was just an ordinary actor on set. It really did feel like it was 1983 all over again. 

    That being said I do think there is still room for improvement and I’m not entirely sure that an full series could be driven yet by this portrayal of Luke Skywalker yet. I think the main issue for me personally comes with his his voice, which from what I understand wasn’t just Mark Hamill speaking all the lines and impersonating his younger self. From what I understand his voice was actually generated using old Star Wars radio broadcasts and using some sort of AI synthetic generator to bust out his lines.

    If that truly is the case it’d be clear why some of Luke’s dialog delivery felt a bit robotic. What I think is most important going forward is to have Mark Hamill involved in the creation of this character in as many ways possible. He’s an incredible voice actor and I think he could easily deliver the lines impersonating a younger version of himself with a little practice.

    I’m also not sure how they are generating Luke Skywalker’s face but clearly they need to be using Mark fully for the facial emotions of the character going forward if they haven’t already. I’m really looking forward to a ‘behind the scenes’ of how this episode was created to see exactly how they did it and exactly what his involvement truly was.

     At this point though they’re definitely moving in the right direction and as quickly as technology seems to be changing it’s clear that they can likely recreate almost any older classic character that they choose. What does this mean for the future of actors in Hollywood and movies? I’m not quite sure. Some of it’s a little creepy to be honest, but in this particular case of bringing back one of the most iconic cinematic heroes, I guess I’m totally fine with this rendition of Skywalker! And for continuity’s sake I hope Disney goes back and replaces The Luke Skywalker from the end of Mando Season 2 with THIS new technology to smooth it out!  I’m also not opposed to the idea of Luke being recast at this point either using Sebastian Stan, though to be honest I would really have to see him in the role to see if he’s actually truly believable as the character. Alden didn’t sell Han Solo for me so I still remain a bit skeptical recasting any of the original trilogy characters!  Though I do think if they would have used Anthony Ingruber in the role of Han Solo I’ll be singing a different tune.  I can’t wait until Wednesday to see what happens next….

  • Comic Cover of the Week: Bill Sienkiewicz Does it Again!

    I’m convinced over & over again, when it comes to comic book covers there is NO one better than Bill Sienkiewicz! Check this mega epic artwork from ‘What If?’ #47 way back from 1984! Bill gets the job done here as usual with some amazing painting and just downright epic imagery featuring Loki. Bill gets the job done here as usual with some beautiful painting and just downright epic imagery of Loki in all of his wicked glory, This easily could have been used as an iconic metal album cover from the era, no questions asked-Bill is the BEST!

  • The Single Greatest Rendition of THE INCREDIBLE HULK?! I Think SO!

    I’m going way out on a limb here to make a very bold statement today- I am going to declare THIS particular piece of artwork as my single favorite image image of The Incredible Hulk! I’ve been thinking about this for quite a while and ever since I was a kid I could never get this beautifully painted rage filled masterpiece by the legendary John Buscema & Joe Jusko out of my mind!

    To me this embodies everything that The Hulk should be: a muscle bound monster that puts utter fear into the souls of anyone who faces him. This cover from The Hulk! magazine #26 from 1981 captures everything I love about the jade giant. A fierce, frightening behemoth And most definitely my favorite super hero of all time, hands down.

    But with this post I figured I would challenge Fellow Universal Dorks out there to prove me wrong, What is your favorite piece of work that features The Hulk in all of his is gamma glory?! Change my mind on this one I challenge you! HULK SMASH!!

  • SHE-HULK #1 Misses the Charm of the 1980s!

    It’s been quite a while since I visited my local comic book shop (Cosmic Monkey in PDX!!) but but the new ‘She-Hulk’ series I’d heard about gave me enough ammo to figure it would be worth finally stopping in for a visit again. I was pretty pumped to hear that She-Hulk was supposedly going back to her “roots” finally, something that’s been presented as more of a return to form to the original John Byrne series of the 1980s. Count me in!

     First I must admit, the cover(s) art for this debut issue is awesome and truly does remind me of the classic She-Hulk I grew to love back in the late eighties. I’m actually quite surprised that Marvel Comics seemingly decided to go back to the “sexy, flirtatious” version of Jennifer Walters. Especially since more recently this version of the character was to an extent considered is somewhat offensive to many.

    People claimed that she was only used as a sex symbol by male writers & never truly fleshed out as a character, something that I actually highly disagree with.

     Nonetheless I was excited to see exactly what they were going to bring to the table in 2022. Unfortunately my hopes for this debut issue were squashed pretty quickly by what I consider to be weak and somewhat uninspiring storytelling.

     Most of the issue revolves around a rather pointless fight with her classic nemesis Titania, that I assume they were trying Inject some sort of witty comedy into. The rest of the issue spends a few pages getting into Jennifer Walters more personal problems as she moves back into her former apartment. That’s really about it in a nutshell. I didn’t really find much of anything to be memorable here, the dialogue was pretty flimsy and the artwork at some points was impressive and at others felt a bit rushed. 

     I guess a part of me had built up this return to form as possibly being a consisely comedic version of the character and her absurdly over the top adventures of years ago. Instead what I ultimately ended up with was yet another safely generic Marvel Comics relaunch. I guess in a way it was kind of what I was expecting and it’s certainly not the spark that’s gonna get me going back to drop another $4 to $5 on a comic book that literally takes just over 5 minutes to read in it’s entirety. I’m somewhat astounded that as comic prices dramatically increased the panels grew exponentially in size and now only take a matter of minutes to read. I would have hoped that the opposite would have occurred,  If you’re gonna charge 5 bucks for a comic book you’d better be bringing more bang for your buck!

     I can’t say I’ll be going back for more She-Hulk anytime soon, yet it has inspired me to dig out my old late eighties back issues. Who knows maybe I’m being too damn hard on things and perhaps my memory of the “golden era” of She-Hulk is something that won’t hold up in 2022. If this is any indication though of what the live action MCU series is going to be like I guess I’m gonna be pretty disappointed. There’s so much fun to be had with She-Hulk, a more of a classic “Sex in the City” style approach to the series with some clever writing is what I was hoping more for. I’ll save my true anticipation for the series launch on Disney Plus this year with my fingers firmly crossed....

  • The Craziest Movie Subtitles of ALL Time!

    So for New Years this year I rewatched 1999’s ‘The Last Ghost Standing’. A totally bonkers Hong-Kong horror movie that takes place on New Year’s Eve. If you ever get the chance to check it out I highly recommend it, especially if you like movies like Evil Dead 2, it will not disappoint! Once again I had to freeze frame it and officially document this bizarre subtitle!!  This easily makes the list of the craziest subtitles of all time..