Universal Dork

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  • VHS Verdict: John Stamos Gets Sexy With an Apple in NEVER TOO YOUNG TO DIE!

    After all these years I never knew that Full Houses’ John Stamos was actually an underrated 1980’s action star?! The proof is in the pudding with 1986’s incredible over the top action extravaganza ‘Never Too Young To Die’. This is one of those rare movies that really left me perplexed, just how it slipped through the cracks all these years? But that makes it even more fun to view for the very first time in modern times!

    So not only does this movie feature John Stamos and all of his hunky glory but also features the mega hot pop star Vanity AND hard rockin’ tongue flingin’ Gene Simmons of KISS as one of the most bizarre cinematic villains. Aside from an incredible cast of colorful characters we also get a heavy dose of wild 80’s explosive action sequences as well as a pretty unforgettable sex scene that just needs to be seen to be believed. Yeah the steamy sex scene is one of the best I’ve ever seen put to film and easily one of the funniest, involving Vanity at her hottest, Stamos at his most ridiculously stubborn and an…….apple?!

    Whoever came up with the whole sequence deserves an award and just in general this movie is an absolute blast that deserves a bigger cult audience. After a highly skilled secret agent is murdered, his son, who’s a hotshot high-school gymnast, teams up with his father’s super sexy female partner to stop a psychopathic trans-cult leader who had him murdered.

    Gene Simmons tears it up in the role as the vicious villain who plans a major terrorist attack on the country’s water supply. Equipped with a killer middle finger nail, his signature gross tongue and some truly over the top outfits, Simmons fully commits to the role too. He steals the show as big baddie “Velvet Von Ragnor” and even performs a “cool” little musical number in the process. I forgot he played the villain a couple other times in the 80’s, the Tom Selleck sci-fi actioner ‘Runaways’ and again in the Rutger Hauer killer thriller ‘Wanted Dead or Alive’.

    ‘Never to Young To Die’ is easily his wildest role and who’d have ever thought we’d see Stamos and Simmons square off in an 80’s flick?! Also included in a minor role is Robert “Freddy Kruger” Englund who was a pleasant surprise to the cast. I’d say one of the film’s highlights are the villains in general-Simmons’ cult of evil post apocalyptic punks are a pure joy to behold.

    They’re so damn over the top in fashion and attitude, making the movie’s mayhem that much more awesome with every little outrageous twist and turn. Stamos also shines using his “skills” as a gymnast as a “Gymkata light” style teenage action hero who teams up with his wacky roommate, a hi-IQ inventor of weird weapons to take on the villains. Then of course there’s Vanity in maybe my favorite movie role, a bad ass assassin who Stamos has a major boner for. Filled with everything that’s totally awesome about the 1980’s ‘Too Young To Die’ is a major winner in every way. Thankfully Shout Factory put out a super sweet blu ray that’s a must for retro action fans of the era! 

     

     

  • Are Real Life Aliens Finally Invading Planet Earth in 2023?!

    Yowza!! There’s been a surge of Alien/UFO related stories in the news lately, the big one right now is the whistleblower who claims the US Government is in possession of 13 alien crafts. Not to be an asshole or anything but we have basically known this for years, since Roswell-however people thought it was all “tinfoil hat” talk. It’s all a big conspiracy theory claims the mainstream media. But how long can a secret like this all really be kept from humanity?

    I’ve been wondering just when the aliens are finally going to reveal themselves to the citizens of planet Earth and that may have just happened a couple days ago?! Certainly this is quite an interesting story, some think the events are purely coincidence but I’m hoping there’s something more extraordinary at hand here. Check out this news story from yesterday and let me know what YOU think is going on here:

    I’m really liking the sound of things, 8-10 feet tall beings?! Sounds right up my alley, though I guess it’s easy to say if they’re not right outside my window in my back yard. Still, I can’t help but wonder why no one in this family grabbed their phone and filmed the gigantic beings?! I mean people film their breakfast, lunch and dinner and post it online so why would no one film the aliens and their vehicle that crashed in the back yard? Seems a bit suspect? I was hoping for a “Signs” moment captured on film here-but still, the story on it’s own is pretty intriguing I must admit. I’m keeping my eyes peeled in the skies and we’ll see just how courageous I am if I encounter some 10 foot tall creatures in the dead of night right? Well then there’s this story if you missed it:

    What is with all of this alien/UFO/UAP talk the last few years? A bigger Gov’t agenda or the whole truth finally coming out? There’s been a lot of interesting ideas around as well these days about regular humans can actually contact and communicate with extraterrestrials, one of the most interesting practices is the CE5 protocol which uses meditation to make direct contact. I’ve tried it and though I wasn’t successful it sure was a fun thing to do on a camping trip.

    I’m hoping in my lifetime we’ll make a breakthrough as humans and connect with another species of beings from another world. It’s time for the planet to get a serious wake up call-and I think that the reveal of a new more intelligent life form could possibly put humans on a more interesting path than scrolling on Instagram or Tik Tok for most of out waking hours. Let’s look to the sky and take a break from our phone addiction-we may be missing the bigger picture unfolding right in front of us… 

  • Comic Cover of the Week: The 5 Minute Bill Sienkiewicz SPIDER-MAN Cover!

    Bill Sienkiewicz did it again! Yes this time likely in 5 minutes or less! I’m going to be honest, I’ve never seen this comic book cover until a few days ago but now my curiosity level is through the roof on this 3-part Spidey adventure way back from 1987. Sienkiewicz never disappoints and these three covers are proof- the first one here really does seem like it was likely something he threw together in a few minutes, and it’s still fucking brilliant! Check out the first two covers, it looks like he spent more time on those obviously. This story took place inside of the Kingpin’s insane asylum-and Bill conveys the madness with pure perfection…

  • MOVIE MELT Podcast Covers Fangoria’s 1992 Northern Wisconsin Creature Feature: SEVERED TIES!

    The latest episode of the Movie Melt podcast is a special one, especially for all of you “cheeseheads” out there-We cover the third Fangoria Films bizarro teen mad scientist monster flick ‘SEVERED TIES’ from 1992! This mostly forgotten gem was filmed in my home state of Wisconsin, way up north in my old stomping grounds-Rhinelander! WTF right? Why in the world would they choose the small town northwoods area to film NOT just Severed Ties but ALL three of their first feature films up there?!

    Well the story is truly intriguing and on this episode we bring on special FX artist and native northern Wisconsinite Hank Carlson to tell his wild story of Windsor Lake Studios, the team behind ‘Hellraiser’ who decided to set up shop there. Hank fills us in on how as a small town teen with an unlikely dream of cracking into the biz as a make up artist, he somehow lands his dream job in the late 80s!

    We get the scoop on horror history in the making and discuss ‘Severed Ties’ in all of it’s gooey glory! Plus a Wisconsin themed Battle of the bands in this ALL things Wisconsin horror movie mash up..

    Who says dreams can’t come true?! Tune in RIGHT HERE to check out the episode and delve head on into one of the strangest horror films of the 1990’s: a practical fx creature feature that’s in desperate need of a fancy blu ray release and a devoted cult following…

     

     

  • Comic Cover of the Week: The Brazilian 80s Alternate Incrivel HULK !

    Here’s a sweet alternate Incredible Hulk cover from Brazil’s O Incrivel HULK #50-an interesting version of the American issue #297 shown below. I’m not quite sure why they redrew the cover? At least the top half appears to be a more “Sal Buscema” take on the green goliath? It’s the first time I’ve ever seen this, but it’s a real treat and it makes me wonder if there are other alternate versions of classic Hulk issues? 

    The original cover from 1984 again features the Incredible art from Bill Sienkiewicz, this was a real sweet era of The Hulk as he slowly loses his “Banner Hulk” persona and further transforms into a truly “mindless” monster. I miss the feel of these 80s Hulk comic books-they were truly a blast-all over the world! Which one do you prefer?

  • The Best of Netflix DVD: Reggie Banister Enters the CEMETERY GATES!!

    Reggie Banister of “Phantasm fame” is one of my favorite horror heroes-hands down! The horror franchise is my all time favorite of the genre, Reggie is one of the main reasons why it resonates with me so hard. What I’ve noticed though is Reg really doesn’t take center stage in any other movies I can think of, it’s usually just brief cameos in things like ‘Bubba Ho-tep’ or even ‘Kenny & Company’. Well that’s what I was led to believe but low and behold through the Netflix “red envelope” dvd mailer program (that’s sadly coming to an end soon), I received a movie from queue that’d been sitting there for years!  The 2004 (or 2006?) horror flick CEMETERY GATES finally arrived in the mail, I really had quite low expectations and quickly noticed Reggie Banister was appearing, I figured he’d likely be doing another “horror cameo” in a low budget production. Well I couldn’t have been more wrong!

    I was pleasantly surprised, Reggie is one of the main characters in this one & better yet even the movie is somehow a total gem-a gore soaked, practical fx creature feature with heart and a heroic dose of humor while also a somewhat intriguing story at play. Yeah I was expecting a steamin’ load of shit and what I got was one of my new favorites of the 2000’s horror movies. It’s filled with a cast of fun characters, many of which are total boneheads, which make this little gnarly flick even more of a blast. It’s the story of an escaped lab animal-a giant mutated Tasmanian devil named “Precious” who goes on a muderous rampage in the countryside when set loose by some numbskull animal rights activists.

    The lab Precious came from is owned by……Reggie Banister, a seasoned scientist who’s sad about his son moving out on his own. His son an aspiring horror filmmaker is heading out to the country with his horny numb nut buddies to film a zombie film, little does he know his childhood now mutated “pet” Precious (who was experimented on) is running wild in the vicinity.

    Precious though is not the only threat, there’s some horny braindead hillbillies, who look like the perfect lunch for a tasmanian devil, also raising hell. Reggie and his sexy scientist buddy soon discover the missing creature and set out to the countryside to try and track it down before it goes completely bonkers on the local population.

    Cemetery Gates has got a lot going for it, Reggie pretty awesome in it and there’s a certain bit of idiotic charm to his relationship with his son AND his son’s relationship with the former lab pet turned mutant. It’s also a load of fun to see all these utterly moronic characters get ripped to shreds by Precious. We’ve got the idiotic hillbillies, some middle aged stoners, Richard Elfman as an insane fisherman, the bonehead amateur actors and a few random hikers that suffer the brunt of the gore. The fun is really had when we see Precious in the flesh on it’s killing spree. She tears limbs, decapitates and rips apart a ton of people all in gloriously gooey practical fx and real onscreen “blood” galore. The creature looks pretty damn good too in that sorta 1980s style monster mayhem.

    It’s so absurdly charming looking in the flesh and when the final confrontation goes down with Precious it becomes a “family affair’. Reggie, his son, his girlfriend and Reggie’s hot lab partner go all in on taking down the mutated ‘taz in a dark subterranean lair beneath a cemetery. There’s some real heart here at it’s core that sincerely shines through all of the moronic antics that occur and I really appreciate the entire fiasco.

    It to me, hits all the right beats, finally another film essentially featuring Reggie front and center to love. He’s here in all of his hair dyed glory to kick some monster booty once again & who’d have thought it’d be again in the mid 2000’s? There’s some good atmosphere and plenty of mischief for Reggie & co to get into as well. If this thing had been released in the 80s it’d be a bonafide cult classic. I’ve NEVER heard anyone speak a peep about Cemetery Gates, so I’m taking it to my platform to get the damn word out.

    It’s the perfect midnight movie to rock with some starving cinemaniacs-they may doubt it’s merit by it’s cover but chances are it’ll quench any gorehounds thirst as well as tickle their funny bone. Cemetery Gates is true 2000’s cult classic in the wings…. 

  • BEST of Red Netflix Envelopes: 1993’s Bonkers Super 8 Vampire Flick – ‘Darkness’!

    The end of an era will soon be upon us, the red envelope Netflix “dvd by mail” system will finally come to an end later this year. Sigh…..It’s a bit depressing, I had a lot of fun awaiting these mini movie packages for soooo many years. Truth be told I discovered some truly unique lil’ hidden gems over the years as their dvd selection was once a wildly vast treasure trove…so here in honor I’m gonna blog weekly about my all time faves. The first being 1993’s DARKNESS: The Vampire Version-which I just got delivered for a second time. The dvd online is quite rare and fetches a pretty penny on eBay!

    So here’s a really unique movie that still remains in their library- ‘Darkness’ is a cool little vampire movie with a cast completely made of what looks like no one over twenty years old. Leif Jonker the director was apparently only 17 when he started conceptually with the production and started filming in 1988, wrapping it up in 1991. He filmed it on super 8 and the whole affair is a mega blood drenched teenage nightmare in the best way possible.

    Jonker doesn’t play for laughs here either which is refreshing, it’s all played as straight as it can be with machetes, chainsaws and teen vamps that sadly have no fangs! But alas, it’s a bit of marvel to behold just how ambitious this little splatter flick really is for a gang of ravenous teen punks who set out to shock their audience and for the most part do a bang up job at it all.

    Darkness is filled with some legit action, suspense, blood, guts and some great attempts at serious acting. Even though the “vampires” feel more like a rabid gang of cannibals they still show their supernatural side while succumbing to the more traditional vampire trappings. Sunlight and holy water in particular. One sequence where the main characters a being chased through a river by vampires and a bottle of holy water is poured into the water causing some cool carnage as it mixes and destroys them is a real inventive highlight.

    It’s a race to the sunrise as a cast of teens are chased across the countryside fleeing from blood thirsty vamps. There’s not more much to the plot honestly, but It’s so damn charming that Jonker went the full distance on it’s production it really doesn’t need to have an intricate story. The finale is well Wirth the wait to, as there’s an over abundance of exploding heads, melting flesh and crudely animatronic decrepit vampire’s to watch meet their gnarly demise. Sadly Jonker didn’t go on to put out much more-the only thing officially listed on Letterboxd is a short film from 1983 called ‘Ghost Carol’ described as a “Super 8 short about a ghost that kills a group of teenagers at Christmastime”.  It’s a 22 minute horror film I need to find a way to see!

    Supposedly Arrow video will be giving this a fancy blu release sometime in the future? It looked like it was supposed to come out a few years back, the trailer below is from four years ago. If it ever sees the “light of day”(no pun intended) I’ll be picking up a copy for sure. In the meantime if you’ve still got the red Netflix envelope system intact (at least until it ends later this year) put this bloody little nugget in your “queue” and get ready to rock! One of my favorite weird back catalog Netflix dvd finds-especially first time seeing it years back….. 

     

     

     

  • VHS Verdict: The 1990s Fairy Tale “Horror” of RUMPELSTILTSKIN!

    I saw ‘Leprechaun’ IN the theater back in ’93, my girlfriend and I were the ONLY ones in the entire theater! Of course I had a damn good time and believe that ‘Leprechaun’ sort of kick-started a little mini genre of “fairytale horror” in the 1990s. While the director of the original Leprechaun also made another movie a few years later 1995 Rumpelstiltskin! Yep Mark Jones the writer and director of the ’93 cult classic also gave the a similar treatment to this weird little one without the “success” of the Warwick Davis fronted franchise.

     Well last night I Pulled out my cool promotional copy of the VHS along with my projector, some friends, drinks and checked it out on the “big” screen.  In all honesty I’m not entirely sure that I’ve ever really seen this movie before (even though I could have sworn that I had). Nonetheless Rumpelstiltskin delivered the same ridiculous goods in the same fashion as the original Leprechaun. The best way to describe this one would be a sort of  “Terminator style” road chase movie- but instead of an imposing hulking cyborg you get a gimpy numb-nut fairy tale villain, who cracks ridiculous one liners while he chases a woman down trying to steal her baby to suck it’s soul!

    In other words it’s a god damn good time! Our main mischievous villain here, Rumpelstiltskin, looks like he was plucked right out of Stephen King’s horror anthology ‘Cat’s Eye’.  He wakes up from a 1000 year slumber and dropped into the 1990s. This all after being turned into a small stone sculpture after a group of villagers hunt him down after he steals one of their babies. You might think that this guy would have a hard time navigating the ’90s, but quite the opposite. Rumpelstiltskin seems to be quite adept in nearly everything he tries, Whether it’s riding a Harley or driving a stick shift semi truck- ‘ol ‘Rumpy can do it! The funny thing is he comes across more like a character that might appear in ‘Ernest Scared Stupid’ than a wicked soul sucking goblin!

     It’s your fairly standard “being chased through the countryside road trip” horror formula (which I FUCKING love)- but it definitely does have a few really fun tricks up its dirty little sleeve. Our main character is a widowed single mom (Kim Johnston Ulrich) with a baby of course and some of this actually plays out a bit like a “Sex in the City” episode. She hangs out with her horny female friends, drinks wine and tries to navigate being single in the era with a baby…the last thing she needs is THIS weirdo throwing a wrench into being a mom!

    There’s definitely a certain degree of unpredictability to some the characters we’re introduced to which makes this an even more interesting watch. Particularly when we’re introduced to a sleazy, cheezy, sexist TV host, who comes across a bit like a second rate Howard Stern. The type of character you won’t be seeing “rise to the occasion” in any movie coming out in 2023 that’s for sure. 

     However I’m a sucker for an unlikely pairing of characters ‘on the run’ from true danger in horror movies and this one really BRINGS it. You’re never quite sure who’s going to suffer the consequences from an encounter with ol’ Rumpy! If you’re a fan of the original ‘Leprechaun’ there’s definitely a lot right here to love, Some cool make up effects, pretty sweet action sequences, explosions and like Warwick Davis’s character, some great idiotically witty banter! Rumpelstiltskin is prime candidate for a sweet new blu ray. It’s really long overdue that he gets a cult following and the true recognition he deserves-this is a really sweet totally 90s horror comedy,  jam packed with ridiculous fashion of the time and characters you’re likely not to see anytime soon on the big or small screen. A great example that the 90s indeed does have some horror gems hidden within the decade! Track down this weird little fairy tale & turn off your brain to thoroughly enjoy the ride.. 

     

  • The MOVIE MELT Podcast’s Wildly Erotic Appointment with DR. CALIGARI!

    It’s quite an interesting appointment when you’re set to pay a visit to a brand new new doctor & this week on the MOVIE MELT podcast we got one helluva check up by checking out 1989’s wildly erotic horror flick DR. CALIGARI! A bizarre nightmare from the director of the legendary plot centric-porno ‘Cafe Flesh’, Stephen Sayadian comes this equally strange dive into complete madness!

    Yes! ‘Doctor Caligari’ is most definitely a weird one, an erotically gross dreamlike voyage into an insane asylum led by the daughter of the legendary 1920’s mad practitioner! There’s some serious problems when people become human guinea pigs of sultry doc as she performs  experiments on patients with the most extreme shock therapies and hormone treatments. the results are quite shocking in this avante garde slice of madness. It’s filled to the brim with neon sets, strange creatures, human sized tongues, babes, hunks, scarecrow hand-jobs and lots of nonsensical plot points that will drive you absolutely NUTS!

    Also on this episode is a “best of” battle of the bands, featuring the most idiotic musical numbers and artists to grace the damn internet-listen to the stupidest songs duke it out for the ultimate prize-MOVIE MELT’s seal of approval. Plus we discuss some cool movies we think you’ve just gotta see and so much MORE including a discussion on deepfake penises!

    Grab a case of beer, get cozy and ready for the good times to roll as we plunge into the weird ass cinematic world of DR. CALIGARI on the latest episode of MOVIE MELT! 

  • Comic cover of the Week: Satan’s Son to Save the Day?!

    I still think one of Marvel Comic’s weirdest superheroes has got to be the Son of Satan! A handsome red haired devil of guy who fights on the side of good?! Yeah well you wouldn’t think so judging by the pentagram he boldly and proudly wears on his bare chest! Anyway you get the gist-a bit of a controversial fellow to say the LEAST. Well here’s a great cover all the way back from 1977 showing Daimon Hellstrom in a big battle with some pretty vicious demons! A great simple cover by legend Gil Cane!