Tagged: shield

Cinematic Captain America: The Greatest American……..Virgin?!

I’ve been thinking about this since I saw Captain America: The Winter Soldier in theaters, it’s like a big elephant in the room at this point! We just have to address this, the movie Captain America is most definitely still a gosh darn virgin!! Am I wrong?! Nope! Movie Cap was born in 1918 so technically he’s a 96 year old virgin-It’s been three movies that this Cap portrayed by Chris Evans has been in, one being The Avengers and thus far Cap, though quite popular with the ladies since he got his muscles, has gotten ZERO action, aside from a few random smooches! Daaang!

So I think a great plot point of the next Captain America movie must be him finally losing his damn virginity already! I could see this being an incredibly funny moment being discussed by him and his fellow Avengers at a bar over a few beers and I can already imagine a ton of jokes involving Tony Stark, Banner and Thor about this. Now though the bigger question is who’s going to be his first?! Let’s face it Cap is quite the goody two shoes, so he may benefit from a more edgy lady like The Black Widow, or could go old school with Agent Carter (well that might be a bit weird), or maybe he’ll hook up with that SHIELD agent he was talking about?

The Avengers are in serious need of some options for the guy, Black Widow is hot and all but let’s face it she’d tear this momma’s boy’s heart to shreds! Or maybe Cap hasn’t come out of the closet yet?! Maybe he and Bucky will hook up?!! Either way it’s been too many decades for the guy, he’s gotta be feeling some serious sexual frustration at this point with all that super soldier serum pumping him up too, whatever the case he better make sure the big moment is worth the wait….

"Uggh...I can't focus on a word Fury is saying with this raging boner I've had since we made out in that mall earlier!!"

“Uggh…I can’t focus on a word Fury is saying with this raging boner I’ve had since we made out in that mall earlier!!”

Planet Hulk Movie is a No Go! Where to go with The Movie Hulk?

I’ve just read via Ain’t it Cool News that supposedly there are NO plans to bring the Planet Hulk story to the big screen. As much as I enjoyed Planet Hulk, the idea of this being a big Hollywood blockbuster movie really didn’t excite me all that much. First I had wondered how they would pull this off with Ruffalo, as Marvel has recently stated they were concerned that Planet Hulk was missing one key ingredient for big screen success….Bruce Banner!

Yeah as cool as it may have been for this Hulk story to be told if, I remember correctly Banner only appeared in Planet Hulk for a brief moment in a small side story which perhaps showed up in an annual of some sorts during that time. I do wonder why Marvel would have to have a Banner-less Planet Hulk? They’ve changed a lot in the movies from their comic origins so why couldn’t Banner co-exist with The Hulk in the big screen version? Perhaps they just don’t want to waste the time of having to make Hulk a menace to the world on screen? He seems to be working out nicely right now in the books as an Avenger and an agent of SHIELD.

So for a second though let’s imagine Marvel did indeed want to make Planet Hulk a reality, following the comic book storyline strictly. What we would have on our hands would be an entirely CG, animated movie. We all know that the big Hollywood studios rarely use live sets anymore especially for an alien world, we all know that they refuse to use any practical effects or make up to bring The Hulk to life, we all know in big Hollywood movies that aliens are 99.9% of the time entirely CG creations and since we have him teaming up with aliens in the movie there would be no use for any real on screen actors. We would have some big name actors voicing. This really leaves nothing for Ruffalo in that storyline. So to me it would be like a PIXAR flick. That could be cool, but it’s not what Avengers and Hulk fans want at the end of the day. So where does this leave the poor Hulk?

Perhaps he’s better as a team player? Perhaps the Hulk doesn’t work the way he did back in the 70’s when Bixby and Ferrigno brought him to life on TV weekly. If they do bring another Hulk movie it’s going to need a lot of Ruffalo/Banner and smaller doses of the Hulk. I personally would love a simpler classic Hulk approach to a movie. Give me The Leader as the Mastermind, throw in some henchmen like the U-foes, Half-life or the Bi-Beast and give us She-Hulk plus Doc Samson and let’s get down to business of some good smashing the old school way! What do you think should happen with the Hulk on the big screen? Should he just stay a team player? Should he have another shot at a solo film? What story would you like to see brought to life?