VHS Verdict: Maria Ford is an ANGEL OF DESTRUCTION!
Jennifer Lawrence for some reason appears to think she’s the world’s first female action star but there’s a treasure trove of lady badasses in cinema throughout the years to behold. Specifically Maria Ford in 1994’s highly underrated & essentially forgotten ass kicker ‘Angel of Destruction’. Ford goes full Jean Claude Van Damme here and it’s a riot as she beats the holy hell out of a plethora of low IQ (no offense if you have a low IQ, I certainly have one) meatheads (If you’re a meathead though too bad) hellbent on either killing her, mansplaining her or trying to pathetically get in her drawers.
Last time I saw Maria Ford was in ‘The Unnamable 2’ a sweet “better than the original” horror sequel from 1992, where she spends most of her time completely nude. Well she continues the tradition here, as she’s in her birthday suit quite a bit and even manages to beat down a gang of home invaders while donning only her g-string. Angel of Destruction is a fast paced, fairly idiotic actioner that’s a great schlocky time from ‘New Horizons Home Video’. Maria stars as a “tuff as nails cop” who’s sister is murdered by a deranged military vet-turned serial killer, obsessed with killing mob bosses, rockstars & random women, whom he role plays with as his “brides on a wedding night” and then murders them for his twisted kicks. When Maria’s sister becomes his next victim she jumps on the killer’s trail in a whirlwind of rage and teams up with her hunky detective boyfriend to kick and blast their way to ultimate justice.
The weirdo serial killer next targets an “on the rise” female pop singer, who’s hoping her latest music video (in which she performs entirely topless?!) will make her the next Samantha Fox and put her on MTV map to super-stardom. Guess that’s an interesting strategy?
Ford takes the job as the singers personal bodyguard to protect her and her voluptuous lady lover from the skeezy serial killer AND her disgusting Harvey Weinstien-esque manager. There’s some wildly entertaining fight sequences filled with broken tables, broken bottles, busted up chairs, roundhouse kicks, bar room brawls with big dumb bone-heads to get fully immersed in.
I really dig Maria’s performance here too, she’s easily the brightest bulb in a cast made up almost entirely of morons. The plot’s a lot of legit dumb fun and of course Ford is hott as hell and fully able to be quite convincing when giving a mad beatdown to dudes three times her bodyweight. There’s a cool showdown too and Maria gets to go the distance against the big baddie for the most part all by her lonesome.
I’m very curious if she delved into anymore cool sexy full on action flicks?! If so I’m game for more sweet 90s cheez! Someone wise up and give ‘Angel of Destruction’ a fancy blu ray already-Maria is a cult ballbuster here just waiting for a bigger audience
Movie Melt Podcast: The ONE Movie That Surely Inspired The MAGIC MIKE Trilogy!
Oh boy! Happy Valentine’s Day to all the lovers out there! Today we have a REAL treat for those looking for some spicy sexy action! I went back on the MOVIE MELT Podcast to record this special episode, ‘The Life and Loves of a Male Stripper’! Yeah this wild sexy musical “comedy” from 1987 is jam packed with beefcakes galore, bad acting, bad dancing, good dancing, babes, banana hammocks, 80s songs that should have been top 10 mega-hits, bad dancing, more bad dancing & then guess what? Yep even MORE BAD DANCING!
The male stripper here is quite a special guy, he can sorta dance and sorta sing and is irresistible to any woman (and likely any man) who sets eyes upon his “Adonis” like bod. The movie plays out more like a Playgirl male nude dance review than an actual cohesive film.
It features one of my new favorite pop songs-‘TAKE IT OFF’! If you’re in the mood for a good laugh, some ridiculous male dancing, 80s fashion galore and some forgotten retro pop songs that sound like a perfect mix of The Smiths & Oingo Boingo then The Life and Loves of a Male Stripper is going to seriously quench your Valentine’s Day thirst.
Plus we talk about more movies you’ve just gotta check out, a sexy lover’s edition of Battle of the Bands! So much useless cinematic information to fill your brain and most important, complete coverage of the movie that likely inspired the ENTIRE Magic Mike trilogy!! CHECK OUT THE EPISODE RIGHT HERE!! IF you’re feeling real frisky you can also watch ‘The Life and Loves of a Male Stripper’ right here on YouTube:
Comic Cover of the Week: Banner’s Haunting Hulking 1980’s Fever Dream!
One of the most unique comic book covers the Jade Giant ever received has got to be from The Incredible Hulk #294, way back in April of 1983. I love the covers from this period, as you never quite knew what to expect, sometimes covers would be hand painted, or sometimes even photographs. It was all quite unpredictable in the best way possible. Today the slick artwork done completely via computer can be initially quite stunning but can also have a sterile feel to it and the weird glossy “paper(?)” they’re printed on doesn’t help give them any extra charm. Issue #294 though is what comic book covers are all about, painted brilliantly by Ken Steacy. This issue also features the wild moment, of Bruce transforming into The Incredible Hulk COMPLETELY naked while lathering up in the shower! Check that out right HERE! This is all just a couple more reasons why I miss the 1980’s so damn much…
Netflix: Why You Should Watch ‘Hap & Leonard’ & The Final Verdict on ‘Iron Fist’!
Ok so I wanted to take a minute to briefly comment on Netflix’s ‘Iron Fist’ as I FINALLY finished the whole damn thing. So at first I admit I thought the series wasn’t too bad but as I completed the finale it was clear that this show just didn’t deliver much of anything interesting. Now I’m not saying it deserves a 19% rating on Rotten Tomatoes but hey let’s be honest it kinda sucked. The show was pretty damn boring and I admit EVERY one of the Marvel Netflix shows reach a point where this becomes the case. There’s simply way too many episodes, way too much exposition and it just gets to be a bit of a LOOOONG ass process trying to get to the end of these shows. Some of these Iron Fist episodes felt like they were hours long. Combine that with the terrible meandering plot of ‘villains’ Harold and The Hand and the corporate board room BS and it just drags on and on.
I really wanted to like this one but god damn am I glad it’s just over with. One thing this series excelled at was being totally consistently mediocre. Even the finale was a bonafide snoozefest. He barely ever even used the ‘iron fist’ at all throughout this damn show but damn was he hyped on telling everyone he was “the Iron Fist” every damn chance he could. I even kinda liked Finn Jones as the clueless, largely directionless, tantrum throwing rich brat superhero. And to be clear Danny Rand was most definitely not a “white savior” in any respect in this series. He actually was more of a “white screwup” – so to all of the people who had their undies in a bundle I suggest watching the show before you throw your online tantrums. Iron Fist could and should have have been great, pushing the kung fu action to crazy new levels, sadly I give this one a solid D+. Oh well let’s hope they get it right in The Defenders!
On the brighter and more exciting side of things I did start a relatively new series on Netflix last night called “Hap & Leonard” it hooked me right away and I ended up watching three of the six episodes last night. SIX episodes thankfully NOT thirteen!!! I had to mention this one because it’s got some damn good things going for it & here’s a few reasons why you should check it out. First it’s based on the Joe R. Lansdale book series based on these characters. He’s responsible for writing some incredibly cool stories that have been adapted to film like ‘Bubba Ho-tep’, ‘Incident On and Off a Mountain Road’, ‘Cold in July’ & ‘Christmas with the Dead’ to name a few.
Next the directors Jim Mickle & Nick Damici have done some cool flicks like ‘Stakeland’, ‘Mulberry Street’ & ‘We are What We Are’. There’s a big horror connection to this series but so far it really doesn’t quite fit into any genre really. Instead I see aspects of horror, mystery & adventure all crammed nicely into this series. Another plus for me is that it takes place in 1988 and damn do I love the eighties. It’s got some real interesting characters as well, Hap’s a poor rugged private investigator and his best friend Leonard is a gay, black, conservative cowboy who finds more in common with Elvis than Martin Luther King. Both guys are also martial artists and into getting into all sorts of mayhem in the backwoods of east Texas.
It also stars Mad Men’s Christina Hendricks (who’s a total babe and a great actor) as Hap’s ex wife who’s sent them on a wild goose chase to find a sunken getaway car supposedly filled with a million bucks somewhere on the bottom of a alligator infested river. There’s also a weird ass serial killer duo on the loose, one of them is Pollyanna MacIntosh who’s known for her intense role in Lucky McKee’s horror flick “The Woman”. She’s just as wild n’ crazy in ‘Hap & Leonard’.
Yeah it’s a breath of fresh air after Iron Fist that’s for sure. Check it out, it’s a thrill so far and full of surprises!! I’m thrilled this one’s got a second season as it appears there’s plenty o’ crazy source material for out there already from Mr. Lansdale!
Odd Moments in Comic Book History: Incredible Naked Angry Showering HULK!!
I love those weird ass moments in comic book history that catch you by surprise (especially as a kid) and kinda make you chuckle! Today I wanted to add an odd moment from The Incredible Hulk #294, this was back when the Banner could “control” the Hulk and he dressed like banner and even combed his hair the same way. The most nerdy version of the green goliath off all time for sure. I love it. Well this Banner Hulk didn’t last long soon he would lose total control again only to be banished to a different dimension by Doctor Strange. But I digress, well in this issue they are doing some gamma tests on an injured dog and at first the testing appears to have some nice results. After Banner decides to take a nice hot shower, only problem is he’s been having some intense nightmares lately. The over tired Banner starts having a waking nightmare and well, in mid shower transforms into a very naked but squeaky clean Hulk!! Good thing for well placed shower steam! Right after this happens he squares off against Boomerang, a truly classic story line well worth revisiting and of course wonderfully drawn by perhaps the best Hulk artist of all time Sal Buscema!!
Comic Book Cover of the Week: She-Hulk’s Racey 80’s Centerfold!
This particular cover for Fantastic Four # 275 has always been a total favorite of mine! In fact when the Thing left the Fantastic Four back in the early 1980’s I was at first super pissed! But then he got his solo book which ended up being one of my favorite titles as a kid and I was totally thrilled when the FF got their replacement for The Thing- The Sensational She-Hulk!! The Hulk was my all time favorite superhero so of course I was always totally crazy (and a bit crushed out on) about She-Hulk! So apparently was John Byrne-as he gave her a shot as a member of the team and eventually gave her a solo comic series and a graphic novel of her own! This Byrne cover shows an enraged She-Hulk as she get ready to confront a sleazy magazine publisher who took candid photos of her sunbathing topless!! Bad bad move my friend!!
Modok Exposed! Sexy Comic Book Cover of the Week!!
Modok is easily one of my fave Marvel villains of all time and that’s why I had to add this awesome cover for Captain America #313 from 1986 by probably my fave comic book artist of all time Mr. John Byrne! This one always kinda gave me the creeps because it showed Modok who’s easily one of the strangest Marvel villains with his pants down! By that I mean we see the guy without his armor chair which normally covers most of his body. This story was titled “Mission: Murder Modok!” and it featured one of my personal fave super villain teams the “Serpent Society” as they attempted to assasinate him! Seeing Modok on the cover laying on his back like a big cryin’ baby with his little body(he can’t walk because his head is too big) was kinda like when as a kid I’d see my pet hermit crab walking around at night without his shell searching for a larger one. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a hermit crab without it’s shell, but it’s pretty weird, It freaked me the fuck out! This is a cool cover and a rare glimpse of Modok “undressed”!!!
I really hope that Modok makes it into the Marvel cinematic universe-he’d be such a fun villain to see on the big screen! Hopefully they would go with animatronics and puppetry rather than CG, it’d be quite a site! If hadn’t already noticed someone did indeed put a Modok inspired character into a movie already – the 1996 flick “Head of the Family” !
Total Modok rip-off!!! But you can see how cool of a villain he would be on the big screen!!
Oh yeah and then there’s THIS!