Category: The World’s Lamest Villains

World’s Lamest Villain becomes an A-lister!!

It happens in the movies all the time, when suddenly out of no where a C list or D list actor suddenly makes the jump into a blockbuster flick somehow (like Stephen Dorff in the new Sofia Coppola flick)-well it happens in the comics too and the upcoming Wolverine: The Best There is #2 proves that! It was a while back where I profiled the ultra lame Madcap right here as one of the world’s lamest villains, a D-list character who made a few ridiculous appearances in Captain America in the 80’s using a bubble gun that drove people batty and taking on taking on Cap’s buddy Nomad several times.

Well now good ol’ Madcap is bringing his antics back in the new ultra violent Charlie Hutson penned Wolverine series. This time however it seems that Madcap is even more fucked in the head than imagined as he’s now working for Wolverine’s newest villain Contagion and from the sneek peek it appears he’s ripped out his own eyes. Since Madcap can’t feel any pain this upcoming bout proves to be an interesting one I’m pumped to check out! Who knows too maybe this will put Madcap on the map as one of Wolvie’s A-list enemies-lord knows we’ve had enough of Sabretooth! Now maybe if we can just get The Slug out of hibernation to take on Logan ??

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THE TECHNICOLOR NIGHTMARE PT.3-BODY TROOPERS

BODY TROOPERS, AKA: CHASING THE KIDNEYSTONE (Idsoe, 1996)

A decade after Joe Dante made INNER SPACE, a Norwegian woman made a movie about a boy and his grandpa’s kidney stone. What follows is a disturbing art film about bodily functions and fluids.  Get ready for a swim! (WARNING: gross stuff ahead)

BODY TROOPERS-CHASING THE KIDNEYSTONE Poster

Simon lives with his grandpa, a widowed saxophonist, and they have a self-pitying stuffed bear that talks like a hot dog salesman. The night before grandpa’s jazz band reunion show (whom grandma sang for) he wakes up Simon with the kind of groaning that a football to the crotch or bad burrito will induce. Feeling helpless, the boy and the whiny bear bust out a chemistry set and shrink Simon to microbial size.

It all starts with grandpa’s mouth (specifically his giant lip and tongue). Simon steps over taste buds the size of basketballs, some of which talk. A lot. They even have telephones.

Bitter Bud on her flesh phone.

They are disturbed by the boy and want to know how he tastes. Bitter bud calls the Brain. Continue reading

Never forget……GAARD!!!

So here’s another little reminder that there are some seriously shitty villains out there in the comic book universe! Every now and then we need to give a little shout out to these guys in hopes that just maybe we’ll see their pathetic hides grace the pages of our current comic book titles. I mean who wouldn’t want to see a villain like Gaard appear in a current issue of the Fantastic Four or the Avengers?? What? You don’t know who Gaard is?? Have you been living in an icy cave with Spock for the 35 years? 

Gaard is perhaps the most crap-tastic villain to ever grace the pages of Marvel comics!! He appeared in Fantastic Four #163 in 1975 and boy does he suck!  Continue reading

The Technicolor Nightmare Pt. 2–SUPER XUXA VS. SATAN

Anyone who braves through JIMMY, THE BOY WONDER (the subject of Technicolor Nightmare 1) can theoretically tolerate a little singing and dancing. But where JIMMY is creepy as hell, XUXA is cuter than a sugar turd on a neon birthday cake.

SUPER XUXA VS. SATAN (A. Penido, 1988)

(Or SUPER XUXA CONTRA O BAIXO ASTRAL)

double double your refreshment!!

Xuxa Meneghel is a bonafide Brazilian superstar whose fame derives from a series of strange family films in the eighties. Some of my male friends have characterized her as “hot”. This film is the copycat little sister to LABYRINTH.

Super Xuxa, blonde and billowing with butt cleavage in a mini jumper, slathers joy like hair mayo everywhere she goes. Continue reading

Technicolor Nightmares Pt. 1-JIMMY, THE BOY WONDER

Horror nerds often come with intact reproductive organs. Hence, sometimes they reproduce (albeit rare). I have personal experience. But becoming a parent doesn’t mean you must purge the filth from your video collections! Just as changing diapers are now daily routine, so must stealth nighttime viewings of those video nasties.

Yet, finding a happy medium between you, your child and your TV can be a challenge. That’s why there’s demented kids movies! The exaggerated costumes, candy colored sets, community-theater caliber acting and fantastical plots latent in these low budget bombs often congeal into scary, trippy cheeseballs of pain. You won’t soon forget the emptiness your soul will feel after watching them.

Many can be found on the underground label SOMETHING WEIRD VIDEO.

JIMMY, THE BOY WONDER (H.G. Lewis, 1966)

H.G. Lewis, Godfather of Gore, and more?

Herschell Gordon Lewis was an accomplished businessman, so the man who made BLOOD FEAST, 2000 MANIACS and GORE GORE GIRLS went where the money was and crossed genre lines to do so. Although his nudie cuties, teens-gone-wrong and (shutter) family films may seem like resume fodder compared to the squishy, extreme gore films he was famous for, he had a blanketing modus operandi; low initial budgets that yielded cult status and turned profits over long periods of time. He made only two family films and I’m sure Leonard Maltin would hate them. Yet, they endure with a strange charm that only Lewis could conjure.

SANTA MEETS THE MAGICAL LAND OF MOTHER GOOSE is nothing more than a filmed stage production with awful sound. If I remember correctly, the camera barely moves off the tripod.

JIMMY, THE BOY WONDER however, is laced with Lewis’ macabre sensibilities and full of hilarious jump edits, exaggerated acting, nightmarish visuals and horrifying songs.

Comfort bubble violation. Sound the alarm.

Continue reading

If the Collector Calls…it’s gonna be Bad News!

So, The Collector…saw it this weekend and here are my thoughts…

When approaching the theater, I had to remind myself that The Collector was written and directed by Marcus Dunstan. Dunstan has written Saw IV, V, and the upcoming VI (personally, the world could have done without II-V). In the case of The Collector, I really did not want to see new Jigsaw killer, torture scenes, horrendous blood via wild and impractical contraptions, etc., but rather something that would show Dunstan can do different styles of horror. After all, this was his first attempt at directing, perhaps a desire to differentiate himself. Dunstan also has other “interesting” credentials…for instance he was the writer of the Feast movies (again a trilogy that was just fine being one movie, and was a great movie I might add). So, I erased my expectations and ventured forth into the dark confines of my new home for the 85 minute run time.

Collector Movie Poster

Continue reading