Yet, finding a happy medium between you, your child and your TV can be a challenge. That’s why there’s demented kids movies! The exaggerated costumes, candy colored sets, community-theater caliber acting and fantastical plots latent in these low budget bombs often congeal into scary, trippy cheeseballs of pain. You won’t soon forget the emptiness your soul will feel after watching them.

Many can be found on the underground label SOMETHING WEIRD VIDEO.

JIMMY, THE BOY WONDER (H.G. Lewis, 1966)

H.G. Lewis, Godfather of Gore, and more?

Herschell Gordon Lewis was an accomplished businessman, so the man who made BLOOD FEAST, 2000 MANIACS and GORE GORE GIRLS went where the money was and crossed genre lines to do so. Although his nudie cuties, teens-gone-wrong and (shutter) family films may seem like resume fodder compared to the squishy, extreme gore films he was famous for, he had a blanketing modus operandi; low initial budgets that yielded cult status and turned profits over long periods of time. He made only two family films and I’m sure Leonard Maltin would hate them. Yet, they endure with a strange charm that only Lewis could conjure.

SANTA MEETS THE MAGICAL LAND OF MOTHER GOOSE is nothing more than a filmed stage production with awful sound. If I remember correctly, the camera barely moves off the tripod.

JIMMY, THE BOY WONDER however, is laced with Lewis’ macabre sensibilities and full of hilarious jump edits, exaggerated acting, nightmarish visuals and horrifying songs.

Comfort bubble violation. Sound the alarm.

Jimmy wishes he could stop time. Luckily, a lanky fiend named Mr. Fig is stalking Jimmy and grants his wish. Check his grease-painted arching brows the size of boomerangs and his ill-fitting plaid clothes.

Jimmy talks to a stranger and doesn't even get candy!

Forget Goldbulm, Mr. Fig is watching you poop.

Aurora, the good daughter of a kind astronomer, is less creepily stalking Jimmy. She knows Jimmy must right his wrong and guides him through odd lands filled with raining jelly beans, green Indians, trees that grow hot dogs and even a pirated cartoon. Meanwhile, Mr. Fig attempts to divert the young lad to Slow Motion Land, where procrastination is king.

OR; the land where I do my homework.

Also, he doesn’t say his lines, he growls them with throat-blistering volume, deranged limbs and a gyrating crotch that probes near poor Jimmy’s comfort bubble more than once.

A tender moment with a jelly bean cauldron and green indians.

There isn’t enough music to justify calling this a musical, but there’s enough hurt to make you beg for THE SOUND OF MUSIC.

If you want to know the outcome, you will have to track this down for yourself. Frankly, I don’t remember and I won’t re-experience this film in its entirety unless I were tickle-tortured and force fed pure dorito dust and sour patch kid granules for an hour prior to launch.

STAY TUNED for SUPER XUXA VS. SATAN in TECHNICOLOR NIGHTMARES Pt.2

I love how the website kicks off the intro to this revolutionary product, “Finally, a great scalp and head massager designed for home use”, wow…how did they read my mind? I’ve been looking for a great scalp and head massager designed for home use for years, you know something to replace my fingers, and the urge for me to give myself constant scalp and head massages. I believe my prayers have been answered.

But wait, there more! This is not just some run of the mill massage technology; this combines air pressure, vibration, magnetic, heat, and soothing music for the ultimate in head masturbation experience. The only thing this unit is missing is a free phrenology reading! Migraines got you down? Hell, slap this head torture contraption in place and let it go to town.

Now you might ask…but can I, the working person, afford such a luxury? Perhaps you are in luck, it can be yours today for the low price of $200. Your call on the price, if you are desperate for a great at home head massage, then this is a steal. Otherwise…$200? Christ man, I can buy a lot of comic books for that price! And for that price, you can’t even select your own music. You need to select from Wellbeing, Ambiance and Nature. For $200, you would think they could afford a 3.5 mm stereo audio jack so you could pipe in your own hits. Perhaps the music they provide has subliminal messages to keep you from returning the device, or hunting down Brookstone and trying to kill the douche that made this crap. Save this stuff for Delta’s Sky Mall catalog and infomercials, I am going to play it safe and save my hard earned dough.

A natural byproduct of the movie, you have a refresh of characters due to artistic integrity and pending popularity an eventual toy line. So when I heard Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen was going to feature classic characters like Jetfire and Devastator…I was pretty excited. Let’s face it, how could you screw up some awesomely powerful transformers like these two? Wow, I continue to be pretty naïve in my trust of Hollywood nowadays. Read on for more information.

Even if you just straight out copied the classic designs, that would be awesome…well reality bites, right. And we just have to start calling out some of these “professionals” in the industry. You know, the professionals that are probably 20 years old and have no deep rooted love of the classic characters. I mean, how could you not do just a smitten of research on these characters and make a reasonable attempt at recreating them.

So first on the chopping block Jetfire (a.k.a Skyfire) – It was no secret that the original Marvel comic and cartoon just took the design of Jetfire straight from Robotech. They did not even make an attempt at a cover up since the toy clearly transformed and was exactly like a Veritech fighter. But that was ok since you could use your Jetfire in dual purpose play. I am sure that Hasbro just bought the toy molds straight form Bandai to make this simple and cheap. I loved using my Jetfire in Guardian (GERWALK) mode.

Then Transformers 2 comes out and I see their idea of Jetfire…wow, shit…and old school geriatric robot, WTF? I mean, how much more can you slap this character in the face. At least they made up for it a bit and had his transformed state be the SR-71 Blackbird, not much saving grace unfortunately. Here are the two designs side by side.

Now lets compare the toys..original is fantastic! The new one…is that a jet on the robots back, are those hips? Oh, I see he comes with a cane like the movie. That’s good, we don’t want the old robot to fall over while walking somewhere…oh wait, he is a jet…HE DOESN’T HAVE TO WALK ANYWHERE!

Hmmmmm…pretty clear, old school wins. New style is trash and the creators should be ashamed of themselves. I mean shit, here is a fan design that was floating around the web…give this guy the character design job Michael Bay!

Next there is Devastator. Formed from the tight team of six Constructicons, Devastator was the coolest concept when we were kids. The first time I saw the Constructicons form up into Devastator…well, I had an accident that still stains me to this day. Despite his lumbering stupidity on the cartoon, Devastator was an excellent choice of names as that is what he did best!

Then the movie is coming up and I hear rumors about Devastator and I get worried/excited. And to be honest, the movie version of Devastator was not too bad, it was very cool. Following the lumbering aspects, they made Devastator more beastly…but compared to Jetfire, they at least followed the original idea of Constructicons forming up to make the giant robot foe. I am quite surprised they did not make him transform from six faggy single engined Cessna. So hear they are side by side, what do you think?

And for the toy comparison…wow, Hasbro blew it on this one. I mean come on. What is that new toy suppose to be. It looks like one of those guys at the gym that is there all the time and is all upper body. What a joke!

So based on this, I would have to give the clear win to the original design, I mean if you can’t manage par, shit you nothing.

Please, come on out and let us know what you think. We would love to hear how douche you thought the new movie was and how a three legged pig with failing kidneys could do better character design.

Got your attention…follow the jump for more information.

According to several blogs (Engadget, Otsuka-san, GetRobo) Toyota has continued their complete disclosure of their intentions for developing and investing in Partner Robots. In a recent presentation “Realization of Moon Exploration Using Advanced Robots by 2020”, Toyota researchers released some of the following art to show their vision. This type of research always reeked of super secret organizations and world domination (SPECTRE, Umbrella Corp to name a few), buy you can’t get much more honest disclosure with a presentation title like that! I love big business that is willing to invest that in weird and future concepts.

I realize we need to invest our money here on Earth to sustain our own infrastructure, but movies like 2012 offer up an interesting scenario that can’t be denied. What if the Earth encounters some form of catastrophic disaster that leaves it inhabitable. What is our option…extinction?? Not this dork, I will go down fighting, but I would rather have some options. This type of development exploration is truly testing the limits. By having robots help to build and maintain infrastructure for potential colonization on the moon…or another world, that option at least has a chance to become reality.

So here are a couple more of the inspiring visions provided by Toyota…

Your pantz full of a load over this?  Me too!  More details after the jump…

According to /Film, Production Weekly sent out a random tweet announcing the project and there was later mention on Warren Ellis’ own site, so the deal is yet to be signed off, but there are serious talks!  If you are unfamiliar with the story, I highly recommend you go out and pick up the two volumes of TPBs that collect the comics on Wildstorm Comics.  Well if the opinion of Universal Dork is not enough to sell you one this, here is a little taste of the story to wet your palate (referenced from Wiki…but spot on!).

The Global Frequency is an independent, covert intelligence organization headed by a former intelligence agent who uses the alias of Miranda Zero. There are reportedly 1,001 people on the Global Frequency, forming an active smart mob communicating by specially modified video mobile phones through a central dispatch system coordinated by a young woman code-named Aleph

The purpose of the organization is to protect and rescue the world from the consequences of the various secret projects that the governments of the world have established, which are unknown to the public at large. The people on the Global Frequency are chosen and called on for their specialized skills in a variety of areas, from military personnel, intelligence agents, police detectives to scientific researchers, academics, athletes, former criminals and assassins. These threats that the organization deals with are equally varied and usually world-threatening, ranging from rogue military operations and paranormal phenomena to terrorist attacks and religious cults.

I realize that Warren Ellis is sometimes a polarizing writer.  Those that love him cherish his original works ranging from political journalist and espionage/terror organizations to zombie hordes created by volcanic ash.  Some of the most notable of his works include: Transmetropolitan, The Authority, Planetary to name a few.  Those that have a bad taste in their mouth are generally lovers of mainstream superhero comics…of which when Ellis has penned, he is typically criticized for his unpredictable nature to “produce” and how he seems to get tired of characters and does not give them a proper representation.  Some of those works included runs on Thor, Iron Man, and Wolverine.   Regardless, if you love him or hate him, it is hard to deny there is great talent there and Global Frequency is an amazing story.

Floating around on the net you can find torrent copies of the 2004 pilot and it is worth a watch…still wondering why the WB did not pick this up.  Here is a fan trailer for the pilot that you can check out.  I thought this was a great pilot and a can only image with today’s TV budgets and effects, this can only get better.   If this looks like it up your alley…I beg you, go out and read up.  And not if…when the series hits the broadcast frequencies, check it out.

Read on after the jump for just a bit more tutelage…

In the day of Hollywood remaking, reviving, recreating, etc., and every movie featuring characters that are/were cult/popular when we were growing up…I have to say that the state of cartoons has never been better. Easily we had great ‘toons in the 80’s (i.e., Transformers, G.I. Joe, He-Man), and sure, some have been “re-imaged”, those of course will be covered, but there are also some very creative and original cartoons that all dorks should be tuning into now.

I realize that most approach today’s cartoons with the same thought…”But they are sooooo child-ish, and there is too much comic relief for the kids…” yada, yada, yada… If you have not done so, I encourage you to go back and watch some of those classic ‘toons you hold so dear to your heart. I think you would find that they are very child-ish and there is too much comic relief…as if they were made for kids…I smell a conspiracy here! But at the core, the story, message, and characters were phenomenal and still to this day they inspire the hell out of me. Each has original characters and underlying storylines that are nothing short of prime sci-fi and fantasy. At a minimum, these are cartoons you should be encouraging your kids to watch to unleash their primal inner dork! Hell, we need all the help we can get to continue this lineage of dork.

So without further adieu, Universal Dork will kick off the series covering great cartoons of that are going to be considered cult and classics 20 years from now. Keep an eye out in the near future for the first installment of Cartoons Dorks Should Be Watching!

In the first installment, Universal Dork with cover Ben 10!

And as always, we appreciate your following the Dorks at the Dork! Universal Dork!

So the questions are simple…Stallone…you gonna break?
Fellow dorks…you up to speed on the changing story?

Follow the jump to learn a bit more!

Let’s paint a quick chronology:

First, 2008, the return…Rambo IV! Not sure what you other dorks thought about the last Rambo flick, but I felt it delivered in all the right departments in the Rambo Shopping Mall. You know like action, blood, death, flying body parts, jungles, steaming gun muzzles! If you have not seen this movie and dig action, I highly recommend it, here is a taste…

Second, August 2009, the announcement…Rambo V: The Savage Hunt! Hell, I think you can make the same movie 20 times and I will still dig it…I mean how can you screw up blood uncontrollable action. Just change up some villains, victims, and the sweaty scenery and you got a whole new 90 minute experience.

Apparently it was originally announced by Variety that Rambo V was going to be about John Rambo navigating his way through human traffickers and drug lords to rescue a young girl abducted near the U.S.-Mexico border. Sounds simple enough to me, and according to CNN there is no more a dangerous locale on Earth right now than at the U.S.-Mexico border and no more villainous scum as the drug cartel. If CNN’s Michael Ware reports from this place…it is like the most god forsaken recipe for death you could ever encounter.

Third, September2009, more details on The Savage Hunt! Stallone comes out with an announcement about part V being basically Predator with John Rambo in the Arnold part…yeah, you got it…a savage hunt for a beast! Here is the synopsis that was floating around the web…

John Rambo could track anyone – or anything – on earth. Now the military desperately needs him for a mission that his ultrasensitive instincts tell him he should refuse. A beast is loose somewhere north of the Artic Circle. It has already decimated a secret research facility and annihilated a squad of elite military guards. And the raging creature is headed south toward civilization, ready to wreak bloody devastation.

It’s a job that Rambo and his 22-year-old hunting partner, Beau Brady, can’t turn down, but they and a team of highly-skilled special forces kill team discover that the prey is a terror beyond their wildest imagination – a half-human abomination created by a renegade agency through a series of outlawed genetic experiments. It has man’s cunning, a predator’s savageness, and a prehistoric power that has transcended the ages. And even if Rambo and Beau survive its unrelenting hunger for human blood, they’ll still have to confront the grim reality that it may have grown immortal.

I realize that this kind of story can be pretty polarizing to the Rambo fan base (if there is one), but hell with them. I thought this concept was awesome. Kind of like if you had a couple parts Predator and Watchers and mixed it with some traditional Rambo bad ass action…and blood…and beasts! Yeah!

Fourth, November 2009, change of plans, WTF?!??! So it seems that the August announcement triggers some negative reactions among the fans and so Stallone comes out and releases this completely cryptic and uncertain announcement. According to MovieWeb.com, Stallone announced:

“I’m letting you know that Rambo has changed course and the story about hunting the man/beast will be done using another character in the lead. RAMBO himself will be heading over the border to a violent city where many young women have vanished”

What the hell does this mean? Is this going to happen in the same movie? How the hell do you pull that off? This sounds like to two places and two leads…that sure adds up two movies in my mind. And why the wavering on the original plot Sylvester? You chicken, can’t take it? I seem to remember this quote from Rocky!

“The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done.”

Shit man, take a queue from your own words and keep moving forward with your vision of Rambo vs. Beast! What do the readers think? Drop us a line in the comments we would love to hear what you have to say.

Well, regardless, the movie got the green light to start up in the Spring of 2010 and is slated for a 2011 release. And maybe, just maybe, there will be another course correction by Stallone and he will try to get Weird Al for the lead role to complete the epic Rambo parody that started in UHF!

Anyway, no need to blabber on about this fine bit of research, you can follow the links in the blog and read details on the study findings, Grad School, and the author. But one favor the Universal Dork asks of its loyal readers, the next time you hear someone discredit or discount youths and comics…please intelligently inform them of and pass the results of this study, in hopes to ground their arse in reality!

Score one for the superhero’s and real life super-heroines like Dr. Tilley!

Link to Phyorg.com article on Comics and Kids

Link to University of Illinois Graduate School for Library and Informational Science

Well there have been announcements on teleporting photos across a room…cool, but a long way to go till we get to something bigger. May theorists have bought into Warp speed…but again it looks great in the math and on paper. Well wait no more, because now you too can have a Star Trek communicator that works with your cell phone via Bluetooth! All home made, and of course, classic Star Trek style as well, with the flip top and everything.

Keep reading for more info after you transport to the jump page!

In a recent Engadget blog, Diana Eng and Dave Clausen have posted instructions on the net on how you can build your very own Bluetooth enabled Federation Communicator. If you follow the link to Makezine.com you can see all of the detailed instructions and shopping list of parts needed to start your project. With the unit Bluetooth enabled, it will work with any cell phone that uses a Bluetooth headset…how cool is that?

Link to Communicator Instructions!

So, you want to add some spice to your Samsung…or how about some intrigue to your iPhone? Just enable the Bluetooth on the phone, put it in your pocket, and talk to all of your favorite Star Fleet buddies over your comm! Here is a video that covers some of the highlights of the building project as well.

I realize this is hard top when it comes to cell phone bling…but one notable mention has to go out to the recently announced Michael Jackson cell phone; being release in Japan…soon??? (I wish I could read Japanese to relay the details).

So here is a dream scenario…
You get dressed up in your Star Fleet uniform, put on your shiny black shoes and sparkly glove…and moonwalk the night away while perpetrating like you’re talking on your Star Fleet issue communicator. Oh yeah, shoot for the stars!

Come on in and read some more good stuff!

So I know what is the first question on your mind…”Did I watch the old VHS copy?” Hell no, I knew this was a movie that was worth owning so I ran down to the used store and found a DVD copy…I upgraded!

So the next question is…”I never saw the first Guyver movie, shouldn’t that be where I should start?” Hell no, the first movie is god awful.  It stars Mark Hamill, which should be a redeeming quality but Star Wars is the only good Hamill.  All you need to know from the first movie is that Sean Barker (David Hayter) encounters a small alien artifact that ends up merging with him.  The artifact contains a suit of armor referred to as the Guyver.  There is a evil organization called Chronos that is trying to get the artifact back, and they use mutated humans as their army.  Simple enough right?  Sean destroys Chronos and all is good at the end of part one.

So Guyver 2: Dark Hero picks up with Sean Barker living in torment as he becomes a nighttime vigilante that can’t stop himself from killing criminals, blaming it on the Guyver suit.  He keeps having vision of spaceships and aliens which he connects to an archeological dig in Utah.  Upon further exploration, the dig is in fact linked to the suit’s alien background and of course…Chronos is not truly defunct.  So once again, the Guyver rises up and begins to battle the mutants to protect the hot chick and make sure the contents of the dig site don’t fall into the clutches of Chronos.

Sounds kind of run of the mill, I know, but you have to see this movie.  This is based on some classic 80’s Japanese Manga by Yohiki Takaya that later was adapted in to great anime all by the same name.  I am also now learning that there was a Guyver animated series that was made in 2005…on my list!  If you are an anime/manga fan, I highly suggest all of this.  Ok, back to our originally scheduled program!

Guyver 2 was released in Japanese cinemas in 1994, later to video in the US, and directed by Steve Wang.  Steve Wang is one of the best kept secrets in the world of movies.  Steve has done it all…director, writer, producer, art design, special effects director, make-up…oh and did I forget actor!  In fact, one of the most impressive things about this flick are the special effects.  There are very few computer effects…most of the creatures are awesome looking body suits with fantastic old school animatronic facial/body features.  And this is not a surprise as the majority of Wang’s credits come in special effects.  On top of effects, the fight choreography is astounding; especially considering everyone in the movie is in full body suits from head to toe!  So for the total geeks out there I encourage you to go and learn more about Steve Wang’s other work.  And yes, he did the first Guyver movie as well…still not sure what went wrong there…

Regardless, Guyver 2: Dark Hero is one of those rare hidden gems that everyone should be out seeking down after they read this blog.  Don’t worry about the DVD being hard to find, you can queue it in Netflix or it should be at your local video store.  As always, we encourage your comments, I would love to know what you think of this movie, and again, if you like the look/feel of the designs you should for sure check out all the anime and manga!